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Care & carers

caring at a distance - really struggling

(9 Posts)
Jane41 Tue 01-Sep-20 07:22:41

Hi. I'm new here. Really finding it hard not seeing Mum (85) regularly due to Covid. She lives far away. I used to travel up to see her often and stay for weekends to support her, take her shopping or out for the day, which she loved, but have hardly seen her since lockdown and now not sure what to do for the best. She's getting frailer and more muddled but frightened of Covid. I'm a keyworker, mixing with lots of people through work, so really worried about bringing Covid into her home. I can't just go for an hour or two in the garden, or stay at the door as she lives so far. The only times I've seen her I've self isolated for at least a week before going, but can't keep that up with my work now. Feeling so guilty and upset about it.

tanith Tue 01-Sep-20 07:27:38

Similarly I had been supporting an elderly relative at distance for many years but had to stop my visits when my husband became ill. She went downhill did get some support from a local shop and a neighbour but eventually I had to alert her GP who arranged for SS to assess and support her. She wasn’t happy about it but there was nothing else to be done.
Could you speak to her GP and express your concerns. Good luck.

Jane41 Tue 01-Sep-20 07:51:25

Thank you Tanith. My difficulty is that I want to go and care for her, and could go if it weren't for Covid. I want do do the support for her, but Covid is forcing me to let strangers do it, which I find really upsetting.

tanith Tue 01-Sep-20 07:55:45

I understand but by staying away you are caring and safeguarding her.

Jane41 Tue 01-Sep-20 07:59:07

Yes I have to remember that, thank you.

rachaelc Sun 13-Sep-20 19:45:00

Hi Jane, I completely understand. My mum was diagnosed with dementia aged 56 in Edinburgh, and I was 24 just starting my career in London. I found it so hard not being able to go and be with her all the time. But it sounds like you've found some great people to support her and that is all you can ask. I actually got so fed up with it I founded a home care company and we built an app so you can stay in touch with care when you're not there. At the moment only people we care for can use the app but I'm working on making it available to other families too so there are things being done to help but I know that doesn't help now. Do you have a live in carer with your mum? Is she or he sending you good updates? That might help. You are doing the right thing in protecting her even though I know it's so hard. Sending love and encouragement.

tidyskatemum Sun 13-Sep-20 20:04:29

So who are the strangers supporting your mum? How do you know they aren’t bringing Covid into her home? Our eternally over-optimistic PM (I’m being polite here) promised that carers, at least in care homes, would be tested regularly from July and it ain’t happened. Meanwhile the old and vulnerable deteriorate through lack of contact with their loved ones while “being kept safe” by people who may be at high risk of spreading Covid. In this situation I think I’d be very tempted to go on the sick and concentrate on mum.

Jaxjacky Sun 13-Sep-20 20:23:14

tidyskatemum Well, that was helpful, not. I think OP is looking for support and reassurance, not negative doom mongering with a political slant too. Shame.

Tonucha Fri 13-Nov-20 15:25:35

Hi, I am new to this forum.
My mother in law passed away 18 months ago, she was in her 90s and housebound. Like you, we used to visit weekly (were still at work), take shopping, do the cleaning, etc. If she was still alive today, I am afraid that unless she told me not to, I would still continue to do that.
I would take all the precautions to ensure she did not get any nasties from me. If necessary I would change clothes when I went into her house, I would treat myself as 'suspect', I would have gloves and masks and would not go near her, but I would visit, do what she needed done, and spend an hour with her so that she didn't feel she was alone.
She would have been so desperately distressed if I didn't that I believe she would be willing to take the risk.
Everyone is different, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, this would have been my approach.