Feeling overwhelmed

I'm so sorry to hear this bad news, and hope you will continue to come here for support. Please remember to try to get some time to yourself for your own mental and physical well being.

I can’t add much the advice here except that I don’t think anyone has mentioned that you get a 50% reduction in council tax when someone in the household is diagnosed with dementia. There are other allowances you can claim which are not means tested but so helpful towards extra help, paying for gardener, cleaner, treats, taxis, etc so that you can have time together, and time for yourself to recharge. What I can add are my heartfelt good wishes to you you and hope that can still have happy times together in spite of this cloud. Always come back for a listening ear and to tap into the experiences of others. ? for you.

Thank you all for your support. We are ok at present. We are maki g a list of all the things we wanted to do that can be done under present conditions . DH really deserved a new shed , old one v dilapidated, so are organising a new one, complete with potting bench, and a greenhouse so he can potter in the garden, rather than the allotment which feels a bit to much for him now. We are adopting the mantra ‘ if not now- when?’ to help make the most of every day x

Hello Nanna58 I just popped back to see how you’re doing today?
Just because the replies slow down after a few days doesn’t mean we’ve all gone away.
Please keep posting if and when you feel the need for some sympathy or support.
The message from anxiousgran is very encouraging and reassuring I thought.

Hi Nanna58, I didn’t just want to scroll by. I care for my 92 year old Dad with Altzheimer’s, so I am so sorry to hear your dear husband has been diagnosed, especially as you already look after your Mum.
Lots of good advice here, so I’ve no more to add. Just to say though, my Dad’s illness hasn’t caused any challenging behaviour, and he still enjoys company and has kept his sense of humour. His illness has developed very slowly.
I hope you can cope with help when the rawness wears off.
Good luck and best wishes.

Just to mention that Samaritans are available 24/7 and are there to listen if you feel you need someone to talk to. Not just there for those who are thinking of ending their life but there for anyone who needs a listening ear. You can get in touch by phone or by email.

Your poor DH and bless him for thinking that you will struggle to cope. Stay strong, take some time to adjust to the news and get ALL the help you can. If and when the family can help, let them do so. You mustn't try to be all things to everyone - you will need to care for yourself as well. The Doctor's Surgery will put you in touch with a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who can come out and give you lots of advice and help. Check out the Alzheimers links on here and use the Forum for support and genuine concern. You're in the best place for life advice from a wonderful bunch of Grans - many of whom will have had first hand experience of your problems.

Good luck and take care. x

My advice would be to take each day as it comes and and don't be afraid to ask for help . Don't forget to take some time for yourself , easier said than done I know . Even if it's a quite soak in the bath . My thoughts are with you .

I know exactly how you feel. My Dh was diagnosed 4 years ago. The only way to cope is one day at a time. Some days I could just sit and cry. Bit by bit he’s loosing the ability to organise his own life. My daughter and grandson live with us. Which brings its own problems.
I think it’s the most awful decease. My dh just thinks he has a bad memory , but it’s so much more than that.
We did get referred to mental health doctor. Who got us involved in classes all about coping with dementia. Which were great, but Dh wasn’t interested, he didn’t think it applied to him. Once the classes were just for him, he stopped going.
My only advice, is to find time for yourself, even if it’s just for a short time.
I still work part time and that is my escape. You really need to feel normal sometimes.
I’m sending you a massive virtual hug. ?

Lots of wonderful suggestions here, I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through, but I am sure you will be in the thoughts and prayers of many people. As others have said, take every scrap of help offered, and do look after yourself too, as much as is possible.

So sorry to hear this. My father-in-law had vascular dementia while living with us. I think there is much more help available today than back then (16 years ago), so do make use of it in order to look after yourself too. Accept any help that's offered and don't be afraid to ask. I'm sure you'll find reserves of strength you didn't know you had. I've heard music therapy is really good for Alzheimer's patients, among other things. ?

Nanna58 I do so feel for you having gone through this with my OH plus us both having cancer. Life is wonderful but also very hard at times and this is one of them. We don’t choose to be carers and in my case I don’t think I am temperamentally suited to it, patience not being my strong suit, but what can we do?
All good advice above and do look after yourself, making time for things you enjoy and of course it’s not selfish but sensible as two people can go downhill otherwise.
My daughter would take over for a few days and I would go and stay with a friend, what a difference a break makes!
When my OH became confused, the best advice is to always agree with them, unless they are in danger.
I wish I had had more patience, but I’m not a saint, none of us are and I had to think of myself too.
Thinking of you and if I could send you a shot of extra strength in some way, I would! ???

My Dad struggled with caring for my Mum with Alzheimer's as neither of them would accept any outside help.
Eventually she had a fall and ended up in hospital.
This triggered the involvement of Adult Social Care which was great.
They sent the occupational health people round to check the house and put some safety measures in place, they also arranged carers to call every day.
Initially Mum and Dad said no to this, but the social worker said as I had power of attorney I could overrule them. Fortunately it didn't come to that and once the carers started both Mum and Dad were much happier.
Definitely don't be a martyr.
Thinking of you Nanna58 x

You are not alone. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s three years ago and is quite a long way into his journey. Until last year I had my mother who was 99 with a form of dementia.
It is tough.
As soon as you can find ‘dementia talking point’ forum.alzheimers.org.uk on The Alzheimer’s society website. It is a real lifeline.
Each Alzheimer journey is different but carers all face similar issues. There are many people juggling with multiple problems and it helps just to be able to hear other’s stories. My husband has never acknowledged that there is anything wrong, so it’s good if you can talk with yours in these early stages. You will need a support network, and respite. Sending you strength and patience. One day at a time. Luckygirl has said wise words, as have others.

Thanks Luckygirl I have both. I’ve long followed your posts and I admired greatly the way you cared for your DH in such difficult circumstances, I hope life is a little easier for you now.

Glad you have the PoA forms - please make sure that you have these for both Finance and Health & Welfare.

What a lovely caring and wise bunch of ladies you are! I can’t thank you enough for your replies and , well, love frankly, it has made a huge difference. I do have family who are all willing to help, we just need to find out how much they are allowed to help in these COVID times. I have filled in thePOA forms for DH , and already have them for Mum. Once again thanks, you really have all made a difference. Big hugs to you Mealybug x

I have no experience of AD so can offer no useful advice. But how lovely to see so many caring replies. Take care of yourself.

I am sorry that I have no useful advice to give, but wanted to express my sympathy for your very difficult situation.

Big hug for you too Mealybug

Sending you a big warm hug Nanna58. Lots of very good advice already. Take care x

hugs and prayers and more hugs and prayers,

I can only re-iterate the advice to organise power of attorney now whilst he is able to agree to it. It will pay dividends in the end - it was an absolute godsend when my OH was so ill. I was able to sort out all the care costs, and to represent his interests when he became unable to do so.

Hubby has had Lewy Body Dementia since 2010, he's now bedridden at home and needs constant care. I didn't ask for help until 3 years ago and had copied with the falls, the accusations, the incontinence, the hatred sometimes (all due to the LBD). It got to the point where I couldn't get him up off the floor anymore or cope with the situation and firstly asked for some respite then for carers. His family are useless and no support whatsoever, they stay away, my dtr has 2 children of her own to look after. The most important thing is take any help offered and don't be afraid to ask, try and give yourself some time out even if it's just going in the garden with a coffee or to the garden centre (when they're open again). If you have friends give them a call when it's quiet but give yourself some me time.

I can only offer my real sympathy for you. It's going to be tough, but as others have said I hope you find a way to look after yourself though it all.