Dealing with Mother after lockdown

My granny lived with an aunt, uncle and cousin but complained that she didn’t see anyone from one day to the next. She eventually came to live with us because of this. My Mum, Dad, three brothers, me and the dog in three bedroom flat with one living room. Not long after my Mum heard her telling someone that she hadn’t seen or spoken to anyone in weeks!

She eventually was cared for in the local convent because of continence problems. They had a sing song with piano etc every afternoon but Granny would be sitting looking shrivelled and miserable by whoever was undertaking the daily visit! Sister John suggested coming 15 minutes earlier next day! There was Granny conducting the music from her chair, smiling, singing along but watching the clock. When it got to three o’clock she sank back in to her chair looking like the picture of misery.

My Mum had “issues” but always said to check out the local homes carefully and then accommodate her where we thought best but never have her live with any of us! I feel exactly the same. My granny wasn’t nasty or aggressive but was homesick for her previous life.

Witzend

I do wonder whether those people who just say ‘Get carers/more carers in’ or suggest that social services should assess or re-assess their needs, have ever had a relative who refuses to let such people in.
Or who, if they do manage to get in, firmly state that they are fine thank you, and need no help (aka in their eyes, strangers poking their noses in).
It’s not uncommon for them to add e.g., ‘My daughter will do whatever I need.’ (Hollow laugh.).

And that is where you say to the assessors " Sorry, Mother is wrong, I won't be able to do any more for her ". You don't let Mother run the show .

I'm so sorry for all concerned. It must be a nightmare .
And it sends chills down my spine because, at 83, it can't be long now before I start becoming a burden on my family and I fervently don't want to.

Betty.
If your mum hasn’t been out for so long and had difficulties before then I would assume her mobility now must be much worse.
I would start by having this assessed and go from there.
A visit to the bathroom before a drive out just little bits pre planning for an occasional outing if they are to be possible and it might be okay, a small bit of pleasure for her.

Witzend

*Kali2*, having been through the trials of dementia with two close relatives, I most certainly do not want my daughters to go through the same with me, and have added a very clearly worded paragraph to that effect in my Health and Welfare Lasting Power of Attorney.
Dh has done the same.

Same here actually.

I lived through this too and my mum came to live with us. It became a nightmare and we couldn't leave her alone or invite anyone to our house. In the end mum had to go into a care home as we couldn't cope anymore. Well I wish we had done it sooner. She was perfectly happy there and I could go back to being her daughter instead of her (permanently stressed) carer.

* Witzend * Yes I have one of those ! Mum has carers 3 times a day but complains everyday that she doesn’t want or need them. She has hardly any short term memory and very poor mobility but complains bitterly about the cost, even telling the carers themselves they are a waste of money. So embarrassing ?

witzend. Yep been there. Feel your pain. I got lucky. Mum suddenly decided she wanted to live in a retirement flat. I moved fast and found her a little flat in a sheltered housing place. It’s lovely and she has care there if needed. She kicked off big style when we moved her but I gritted my teeth and ignored the abuse. It’s been the best thing we ever did. I still see her regularly but it’s not just on me now. She has carers on tap if needed. Meals delivered if she wants. It’s brilliant. We pay for what we use.

I do wonder whether those people who just say ‘Get carers/more carers in’ or suggest that social services should assess or re-assess their needs, have ever had a relative who refuses to let such people in.
Or who, if they do manage to get in, firmly state that they are fine thank you, and need no help (aka in their eyes, strangers poking their noses in).
It’s not uncommon for them to add e.g., ‘My daughter will do whatever I need.’ (Hollow laugh.).

I agree with Lucca. I have a much loved mother too, who does not have dementia, but is both very forgetful and stubborn. She is also not able to walk easily, and always uses her walker. I dread her getting even older and less able to be independent. She has only agreed to have one carer per day, in the morning, as she can no longer wash and dress herself. It’s a difficult problem for any of us caught in this situation. I have every sympathy for the OP.

The bottom line is that you can't take her out. So make up your mind to that and it's one less thing to worry about. Maybe get a wheelchair and take her for walks and check that she's is actually wearing a pad before you go. Maybe it's time for a reassessment of her needs by social services?

Hugs Betty were in the same boat again. I know it sounds bad but like you it’s the only bit of lockdown I’ve enjoyed, I haven’t had to take mum shopping ,or anywhere for that matter, she’s had two hospital admissions and 3 outpatient appointments I haven’t been able to go to, pure bliss for me as I actually have a phobia of the a and e dept I’ve had so many traumatic experiences I can’t go in now.
I’m afraid I’ll be telling my mum I can’t take her as she’s too unwell, she needs too many toilet visits and can come over sick and dizzy within minutes.I wouldn’t feel competent enough and certainly wouldn’t be able to catch her if she fell.
Does she have a wheelchair ? My mum doesn’t, but I’m thinking maybe you could take her for a short walk as a compromise. As usual there are no easy answers .

Kali2, having been through the trials of dementia with two close relatives, I most certainly do not want my daughters to go through the same with me, and have added a very clearly worded paragraph to that effect in my Health and Welfare Lasting Power of Attorney.
Dh has done the same.

Having been in this exact situation some years ago, I'd say that sometimes you have to put your foot down. Your mother obviously needs to be in a care home, and I'm sorry but she doesn't get to refuse when she has no inkling of the stress she is causing others.

My sister and I made that difficult decision, and despite our Mum's obstinate refusal, we forged ahead and booked her into a care home, got the assessments etc.

Mum was confused and angry about it.....for about 2 weeks. Then she 1) forgot that she'd ever been angry, and 2) started to like the home. She had nice companions, plenty of daily activities and they had a singalong every evening after dinner which she loved !

We still went to visit and took her out for meals sometimes, and we both agreed that we should have done it sooner . Mum had five happy years there before she died, and we had our freedom ,which made our relationship with her much better.

Sometimes you just have to "rip off the bandage" and do what is right for everyone, rather than going along with someone who can't make good decisions.

Best wishes to you.

My mother had dementia. When it got to the stage of me sitting next to my husband with tears dripping off my chin, he said 'it it your mother or me'. Unfortunately the social workers were useless.

We found a good residential home who were willing to take her but had to sell her house to pay the very high fees.

Betty65 - Can you check with the care company the regularity with which she is refusing service and staying in bed? I’ve got a little experience in this area (my gran was the same) and her refusal of service was an indicator of declining cognition. Add to this the danger of skin breakdowns especially when coupled with incontinence, the care company we used did a full review including a social worker. Ultimately my gran did end up in a residential facility because she grew increasingly unco-operative, which happened as a safeguarding measure. She just wasn’t able to live on her own even with the carers coming in.
That whole process took over a year to unfold and one thing that did make a bit of a difference was the carers in the morning using full incontinence briefs rather than a slip pad.
Please take care of yourself too OP, caretaker burnout is a real thing, my poor mum ran herself ragged with my gran for almost 15 years after my Papa died, so please take time for yourself and take advantage of any and all help you can get.

You also should do what's best for your mother

You know this situation is going to get worse.

It sounds like your mother is no longer be able to live with just 2 carer arrangement- nursing home came to my mind while reading your updates.

Other posters have mentioned it already - be firm with your mother as you are able to see this more realistically.
Just because she thinks and feels she wants something, it doesnt mean it has to happen

Take care of yourself as well. Do not forget you have needs too

A big hug for you, carers do experience the unimaginable.
I had to help my 75 year old friend get her 95 year old mother out of bed, her mother and the bed were completely covered in poo. Her Mum looked as light as a feather but was a dead weight.

Could you get a temporary ramp up your front step, and put two handles either side of the downstairs loo?

As for the continence, is it worth trying the pretty Tena pants instead of the pads? Not as effective but wouldn't be as obvious. You or the carer could remove her normal underwear and replace with them, they come in beige or black, I think. I worry about incontinence, I never did the pelvic floor exercises recommended with any regularity, and now can't drink coffee at all, it irritates my bladder and I constantly want to go.

I agree that I wouldn't want my kids to care for me, I've already looked into the local facilities.

Kali2 - Having been subjected to this I can honestly say that I will be at the door or the care home when my time comes. We have sat down with our kids and emphatically told them we will not have them doing this for us. Our criteria is a home with a bar and a garden we can look out onto. Sadly my mum has gone too far to think about what’s happening to me and the impact she has on me

Kali2

How long before it is our turn??? And will we expect patience and kindness- or will we just do as we are told and go into a care home like good little old biddies, and sit there until the time comes. Will you?

And as said, when they are gone - they are gone forever. And some will regret their unkind words and lack of patience. Sad beyond words.

I don’t think anyone is being unkind, just honest. It’s good to be able to “vent” on this forum. I totally sympathise with OP.

A care home is not the end of the world. Plenty of people are perfectly happy in them, That would be the best solution for everyone, surely.

I went through a very difficult time with my mum with dementia. I had a car and out of seven of us the only one ever available to take her out. I remember having to take her to the hospital. Struggling getting her out the car she had put a lot of weight on I could barely manage. I had to set up the wheelchair which was extremely heavy while my mum was screaming all over the place she had wet herself.
I was standing there crying with the stress of it all. When I got home I rang my sisters up and refused to be put upon again.

The social services were then brought in for extra support and help. I advise you to do the same you can not take on this responsibility on your own it is not fair on you.

How long before it is our turn??? And will we expect patience and kindness- or will we just do as we are told and go into a care home like good little old biddies, and sit there until the time comes. Will you?

And as said, when they are gone - they are gone forever. And some will regret their unkind words and lack of patience. Sad beyond words.

Mum has carers twice a day. The morning carers are supposed to get her washed and dressed at 7 am. However she tells them she’s not well or had a bad nights sleep and they will wash her and put her back to bed
Yes she should be in a home but guess what - she fights that too. It’s a blooming nightmare