Dealing with Mother after lockdown

I too agree with welbeck and Witzend. Time a firmer hand is laid as gently as possible, Extra carers required, who she may well pay more attention, no dice, no trips out. And no, I don’t blame you at all, you have a life too, I’ve been in your shoes, it’s hard. Best of luck.

I agree with welbeck above.

I do feel sorry for you; I really do.

It must be awful for your mother too.

Has she perhaps come to the point where she can no longer live at home?

it sounds like she needs more care.
what does the careworker do. i think someone needs to assist her with washing and dressing, so that the pad becomes part of normal wear. often a careworker is better at doing this as they have more experience and know how address the issue tactfully. sometimes a client will do things for a careworker that they would not do for a family member; the dynamic is different.

Sympathies, OP. People with dementia can be unbelievably stubborn about wearing incontinence pads - or anything else, for that matter. Of course, because they can never remember anything, they may genuinely think they don’t need them, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

People who have never had to live with this sort of issue can hardly ever understand what it’s like to have to cope with it.

I suppose you will have to put your foot down, say there will be no lunches at your house or anywhere else, unless you see with your own eyes that she has adequate incontinence protection on. If she gets into a strop, so be it. I know it’s all too easy for me to say, but I’d try to just calmly say, ‘All right, but if you won’t show me, no lunch.’
We had no end of dramas with my mother and showering/hair washing, when she really did smell, so I do know how very trying it can be.

Oh and she’s confused but not when it comes to giving me grief

Thanks, anything regarding day care, respite care is a no no. She will not entertain any of them. She has a dicky heart and her mobility is shocking due to chronic back problems. She had a heart attack 15 months ago and angina is a big thing but she has forgotten she had the heart attack. If she’s forgotten this how am I going to get her to recognise that her mobility is shot away.

I do not think you are being mean. Would she accept that your house is not suitable for her anymore and you are too busy to take her out at the moment?

You do not say how confused she is. Have you looked to see what is available in your area for dementia sufferers re day centres or arranged outings?

Mmm the problem with incontinence pads is that she says she got one on and low and behold she hasn’t. On the same note I have pleaded with her to wear one to bed as about once a week she gets an ‘upset stomach’ before she can reach the loo on a morning. She lies and says she will/or has. The poor carer or me have to deal with that one ! I am embarrassed to take her out for lunch- there I’ve said it.

This is indeed so hard. But as I no longer have my mum- who had similar issues- I so miss her, and regret that I did not have more patience at the time. When they are gone, they are gone ... Sad.

As others have said. Maybe restrict it to monthly Sunday lunches?

Suggest you start a new tradition of having Sunday lunch out. Choose somewhere with disabled facilities. Buy her some incontinence pads and make sure she is wearing one. Then go out together.

re the continence issues, does she use pads. if not, maybe now is the time to arrange a visit from the continence nurse, to advise and arrange delivery of items.
than will at least save your seats.
also you can buy absorbent seat covers, either disposable or washable.
does she have care workers coming to her house.
maybe she needs more support now.

I have no solution but I feel for you. I’m in a similar position. It’s been easy to say you can’t come. Following for hopefully good advice.