Dealing with Mother after lockdown

I'm sorry no-one informed you of the procedure Betty65, as next of kin you should be kept in the loop at all times, how awful. Had you looked at any care homes yet, or do you have to sell your Mum's house first? I don't know how it works.

My only relative, my aunt, is 85 in May, and at the height of my proposed house purchase in February, announced she wanted to sell her ground floor flat and move into a retirement flat as she'd had enough of 'gardening'. I did lots of research for her and after a fortnight she changed her mind, she's going to stay put and employ private carers 'when she's ready'.

Good luck and keep posting, glad you have a glass of nice wine!

Thank you Welbeck- I feel a bit dim that I did not know or think of this. I assumed as next of kin that I had to expedite everything. Thank you, thank you.
She says with a glass of wine in hand

that's good OP.
but why are you doing all this running around.
surely the discharge team should be arranging for her long term care. maybe when she gets to the community hosp.
that's one of the reasons for going to such a facility, usually.
there should be a team there whose job it is, who have the experience and contacts to expedite this.
can you just step back and leave it to them.
unless you disagree with the proposed care home of course.
you are a visitor, to provide emotional support to your mum.
you can leave the professionals to do the job they are paid for.
you are not paid, nor is it your job.
you can give your opinion, and discuss details, but let them put those suggestions to you.
try to step back a bit. you need some R & R.

It is a definitely a shame someone has to have an accident to get the help they need Betty65, sorry I got your name wrong before. Will you have to sell your Mum's home to fund her care home?

Goodness Katyj- I have spent many years being envious of other people whose parents are in homes. It’s just such a shame that an accident has to happen before you can do what is best for them. I just hope I can get a semi-nice relationship back with mum cause I very often felt intense anger and hatred - there I said it. I have read quite a number of articles where they say this is quite normal but these feelings do mess with your head. You and I have only 1 life - we need to live it. If our mothers live for another 10 years we must not give up our lives for them. I’m pretty certain they didn’t do it for their parents

That's great news Betty1965, keep going, the happy end is in sight.

So happy for you Betty. Your not jumping up and down because you are exhausted ! Your mum hasn’t been well for ages, so of course you haven’t had time to restore and reset. See this as the last hurdle then hopefully you can relax.
Please don’t hate me but I have to admit to feeling a bit envious, I’d love to be able to visit my mum in comfortable surroundings with lots of company, knowing that there’d be someone on call 24/7 it would be pure bliss. Good luck .

Daisymae

Refuse to allow her to be discharged without a sufficient care package in place. Speak to social services too. Hope you get the help she needs.

When my mother was in hospital I told social services that she was not capable of going home. Apparently, if she could make a cup of tea and piece of toast, she was capable of looking after herself.

We all went to her house, my mother was unable to make tea and toast so the lady who was assessing her helped and then said she was fine to live alone!

One day I was on my way to my mother's house for the third time that day. Her neighbour happened to see me and knew it was the third time. She said that my mother had been out looking for me because she hadn't seen me for so long!

My mum, having been frightened by her fall last weekend has agreed to go into a care home. I am so happy BUT she is still in hospital, waiting to go to a community care hospital. Once there we can find out how long they are keeping her then find a home. I’ve asked myself why I’m not jumping up and down in joy. This is because only I can visit her in hospital, one person, one hour a day. No one else. It’s me looking for a home, visiting, cancelling the carers, deliveries etc and I’m afraid it’s getting me down. Transporting washing, getting odds and ends. I’m cooked.

I’m so glad things are in process now.
Your mother and you both deserve the best outcome, simple as that. I wish you well.

Refuse to allow her to be discharged without a sufficient care package in place. Speak to social services too. Hope you get the help she needs.

So pleased you managed to speak with the Dr I know how good that feels, just someone listening to you. Last time my mum was in hospital after a fall in December I spoke with the Dr, social worker and o/t they all agreed that mum would be better in a nursing home, but when they spoke to her about it she said no way! I’m going home. They said she still had capacity to make her own decisions so home she came. She has been okay so far, but is very unsteady, and unwell and unfortunately it’s only a matter of time before the next disaster.
Even though I have POA i can’t force her into care, even though it’s the safest option. Good luck. I’m hoping for the best option for you both. Take care

My heart goes out to you Betty 65.Advanced dementia is devastating for all concerned. You are not mean or uncaring - there is a limit to how much you can take. I loved my mum so much and still miss her every single day. She was the best Mum and Grandma , wise , caring , sensible and open minded .She taught me and my siblings about the things in life that really matter. Lived with us four years , but had to make the difficult decision to find a care home for her -it broke my heart! Betty 65 , if you do decide on a care home my advise is do not be afraid to move her to another if you or she is unhappy about the care she is receiving. If she complains about the care she is given,
do listen and investigate because even with dementia there may be an element if truth in what she tells you.
When she is happy in care , you will be at peace and in a position to rebuild your mother / daughter relationship. You will have control of when and how often you visit - you will have your life back ! Unless some one has lived through this they have no idea of how very hard it is. When my Mum came to live with us I had no intention of her moving into care.I thought she would be with us to the end - how wrong I was . Do I feel guilty , yes , do I regret my decision , no !!! Betty 65 good luck and please look after yourself.

I'm so sorry your Mum had a fall Betty65, I hope she now gets what she needs to have a satisfying life.

Very sadly my 83 year old aunt's friend took an overdose to get help, her doctor kept fobbing her off. She has now been assessed and someone is coming to see her regarding carers/sheltered housing/retirement living. There doesn't seem to be the help so many need.

Betty65 good news you spoke with the doctor, ? for the best outcome, for all.

Betty - hope your mum feels a bit better soon, glad you got to speak to the doctor. She’s safe and taken care of, so try and have a wee rest now while you know that she’s safe and sound. Take care

We’ve said the same to our children Betty65. I’d hate to put this type of burden on them, and your mum would probably say the same if she wasn’t confused. It’s gone past the point where you can manage. My friend’s mum had just this with her dad, died last week. He was constantly incontinent, to the point it was becoming unsafe.
You need help....it’s not fair on you. I think it’s lovely you’ve managed this far. All the best.

Kali2

How long before it is our turn??? And will we expect patience and kindness- or will we just do as we are told and go into a care home like good little old biddies, and sit there until the time comes. Will you?

And as said, when they are gone - they are gone forever. And some will regret their unkind words and lack of patience. Sad beyond words.

I don’t think guilt is the right tack here, OP will miss her mother when she is gone, guilty her about that now is not helpful in anyway shape or form. All it will do is to make her feel worse.

Op, I have no advice for you, but that sounds like a really tough situation for you. I hope you can find some workarounds soon

Thank you. The doctor actually called me for my side of the story as mums version is sugar coated, saying she is fine and just wants to go home. Thankfully they are keeping her in and giving her an assessment tomorrow. It was so nice to talk to the doctor and tell her all my concerns regarding her safety and well being. Fingers crossed.

I have see it in other threads: do not let hospital or social workers send your mother home thinking you are still responsible for her.

I agree with welbeck. What was suitable for your mum previously will not be suitable now. She is evidently deteriorating and whilst the hospital won't keep her in any longer than necessary they won't discharge her to an unsafe environment. However, I do wish you well and hope you can have some rest from all that you are having to endure whilst mum is hospitalised.

ask to speak to the nurse in charge and tell her that your mother's needs have changed.
ask for a full assessment by OT and social worker with a suitable care plan before she is discharged.
tell them you are concerned she is not safe at home.

I’m so sorry to hear that Betty, poor mum. Didn’t she have her alarm with her ? I fear this is what will happen to my mum as she doesn’t wear hers. Ask to speak with her social worker whilst she’s in hospital and air your concerns if they deem her dementia too far gone to make decisions it’ll be a lot easier for you to make a decision, The best of luck

My mum had a fall last night in the hallway and was on the floor all night until 9.30 this morning. I called 999 and she is now in hospital as she said he back hurts and her blood pressure is too low. I am looking into care homes but am feeling apprehensive in case they send her home yet again with nothing wrong. I’m just watching her walk a tightrope again and not being able to save her

I have not been able to see my older sister (who lives in a care home) for over a year. He adult children are now able to visit occasionally, but to be honest, I have felt relieved not to se her. I am actually dreading the time when visits will be allowed, as she will want me to take her out in the car. There will be similar problems as the OP experiences.