Moral dilemma

Luckygirl - thank you, yes she is safe as she is all-electric and the water is not turned up too hot. I get her Wiltshire Farm Foods frozen dinners every week and I think she just buys herself a sandwich for lunch, so hopefully her food is all ok. It really is just the general dirtiness which is the problem.

I would discreetly check for out of date food or anything else dangerous.
But from me its a no to cleaning. My mum was, sadly, like this and we got her out for the day, all pitched in for a thorough clean and expected her to be pleasantly surprised. She was not. She was shocked and felt degraded and cried for ages before we could calm her. Poor mum. She was always a very independent lady. I wouldn't do it.

Such a tricky situation, and I think that most on here have got it right; don't go behind your sister's back, however kindly meant. We all have different standards of what is acceptable anyway, and as long as your sister is not endangering herself or anyone else in the block, then just leave it be. MOnica is right in her advice, just check the fridge while you are in the kitchen, have a packet of disinfectant wipes in your back and swish around the bathroom and kitchen while using them. Fortunately, my late Mother really liked her cleaners, and looked forward to their chat and tea while they were there so her home was kept to the standard that she would have liked, pre-Alzheimers.

The important thing is is she safe? - the dirt does not matter, but her safety does.....e.g. gas stove, fire etc.

People in the early stages of dementia are very conscious of forgetting things and very frightened by what is happening to them. One of the ways they deal with it is keeping things in exactly the same place. If you all pile in and tidy up and move things, not only will this be confusing for her, but she is likely to feel very upset as it will reinforce her unhappiness with her current problems.

So........I think your OH and son have got this wrong. As long as she is safe, I think you need to leave her be for now.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I really appreciate your advice and feel vindicated in my view. I will contact the Alzheimers Society today.

I wouldn't take your family's advice, no disrespect. She would very likely feel betrayed by you if you cleaned up in her absence. It is her home at the end of the day. As others have suggested the Alzheimer's Society would be helpful. Good luck.

I don't think you can interfere in the cleaning but perhaps, if you are worried about any possible hazards, discreetly check her fridge for out-of-date food etc as she may not realise depending on how she is coping.
She may be fine just jogging along as she is but could deteriorate quickly and become a danger to herself.

If she was always clean and tidy previously then it is, unfortunately, a stage of her dementia and she might become distressed if you interfere.

Yes, as M0nica says, do contact the Alzheimer's Society for advice.

Your sister has mild dementia. One of the signs of dementia, even mild dementia is a lack of awareness of their surroundings and often a lock of awareness of themselves.

Your sister's behaviour is entirely consistent with the condition she has. You are fortunate that it has not yet spread to personal hygiene and dressing, and eating, or rather not eating. Sadly these are to come.

Whether her dementia is caused by Alzheimers or not. It would probably help you to get in contact with the Alzheimer's Society www.alzheimers.org.uk/ . They offer support and help to the families and carers of people with dementia and also help and advice about how to cope with any problems. I think you would find them very helpful.

In the meanwhile, I would ignore suggestions from the men in the family. They mean well, but it would be a disaster.

Perhaps when you visit you could do a bit of discrete cleaning, If you go to the loo, stay an extra 5 minutes, and do a bit of cleaning or wiping down, perhaps you could go into the kitchen when she makes a cup of tea and casually wipe some kitchen surfaces down or enlist her help to get the washing up done.

But most of all get incontact with the Alzheimers Society, they have so much information about dementia and its progress, which, sadly, is slowly and inevitably going to get worse and the more you know and understand the better it will be.

Don’t interfere with the way she lives that will cause trouble, if you take her out, go to a place where she feels comfortable, if that means you “dress down” yourself she will enjoy it more.

Tricky isn't it? My late MIL was similar, so BIL and his wife arranged for her friend to take her out for a coffee.

Then the house was cleaned, surfaces and door/cupboard handles wiped, bedding changed, etc. Would she have noticed any difference on her return had they not left a bottle of disinfectant on the window sill?

MIL was angry and insulted. She blamed her friend for plotting against her and DIL was 'obsessed with germs'. I heard about this from both sides. Both had a point but solving the situation was like walking a tightrope.

When someone needs help but doesn't want help what can you do? Her failing eyesight meant she couldn't see how bad it was and her dementia meant she didn't believe that things got dirty. There is no easy answer.

If you’re visiting you could ask her if there are “any jobs she’d like help with today”. If she says no…do nothing. I’d still wash my cup before making tea, and probably tidy the sink whil waiting for kettle etc. Tell her she looks nice if she’s dressed well, or if she’s washed her hair. Be kind. Upside…,Her immune system must be strong!

No, no, no your husband and son are so wrong I would be mortified if someone did that to me They are seeing it through totally practical eyes you must look at it with compassion Your sister has feelings and as you say will either be angry or cry…. either emotion is distress
If her standards are not as yours, so be it
Let her live as she wishes to live, unless you see something severely dangerous and then kindly help her put it right making it seem as if she instigate it, if she has mild dementia her memory could be a little poor so you could say I ve come to help tidy your stove remember you asked me to last week, or make out youre bored or something anything to put her into control of the situation
But other than danger let her live as she is comfortable

Leave her to it unless it becomes hazardous to other flats in the block. You could spend a lot of time sorting her out only for it to get bad again. She’s entitled to live as she wishes without AN Other interfering.
My partner’s brother is similar. Doesn’t live like we do and won’t accept help. It’s troubling but he has the right to live like he does and in his words “doesn’t notice it”.

It's not up to you to impose your standards on her.

I think that's why the OP said "I just don't think I have the right to do it" FarNorth; she was just looking for some advice.

Sewnsew, like others have said, I don't think that there's much you can do without causing your sister upset and a loss of trust between you. If the state of her house gets too much for you to bear, meet her elsewhere. Out of sight, out of mind, might be the best way forward I'm afraid.

Has your sister always lived in that way?

It's not up to you to impose your standards on her.

What galaxy and cafeaulait said

Again if she has capacity you can't really do much apart from general cleaning while you are there. Does she have a POA set up as that sounds like it may be needed. The only other point is, if it's a retirement flat and there is a risk of vermin, flies etc that may affect other properties then that might escalate a need to clean.

I would feel really violated if someone did that to me when I have asked them not to. If it's a health concern or you think she can't care for herself properly anymore, then maybe someone needs to take action to get a medical assessment done. Otherwise, she just likes to live differently and has different standards.

Ahhh, very difficult.
You must always keep in the forefront of your mind if your dear sister has competence. If she does (and it sounds like it) then so long as no actual harm may befall her then I think you should allow her to live her life.

I think adults choose how they live (it's different if children are involved) and we have to accept that people live differently to us. You can offer support and help but I think to do what your husband suggests would be unkind.

If you were to take your husband and son's advice SewnSew you could well destroy any trust that your sister has in you. Like you, I don't think you have the right to do this.

My brother was, and probably is still exactly the same (without the mild dementia) so I understand how difficult it is to accept that someone you love is living in a very dirty environment.

All you can do is encourage her to allow you to help or agree to have outside help. In my experience, despite cleaning my brother's house on several occasions with his permission, it always reverted back to the condition it was in before.