What arrangements should we put in place for old age

Watching my maternal grandmother and my mother pass after horrific bouts of dementia we have plans in place. Their ends were ....horrible for them and us. They were both very capable physically and violent . Fortunately quite small women both of them .
Our place is geared for mobility issues
We live in an inner city suburb and everything is within walking distance .
If I become very infirmed with dementia I am to go into a home and no one is required to visit me at all.
I have passed those requirements on quite clearly to my husband and son and they are quite aware I am admant now about this
Prepping for elderly impairment ...I am glad to do.
Having said all that we enjoy our life but...it does give me some comfort if dementia does come to me
Pools are open again whoohoo in my area so back to pool lap walking tomorrow

My brother has died unexpectedly and clearing his home is a real hassle. So i recommend an annual clearout if not more regularly

My mother had a stroke unexpectedly and was left a vegetable. I knew she hated that and would have given her consent to end of life if it was allowed in the UK. The care system is overburdened and short staffed. So please tell me why people can't have the choice to die with dignity rather than suffer for years?

Heartfelt stories here! Tips (I think) declutter the house, have had friends who have really struggled with their parents homes. Do power of attorney/wills. Also I am sorting Advance Direction (was the old Living Will). We moved to village with regular buses, LOTS of amenities and access to everything we may need in the (hopefully distant) future.

Thanks Maddyone. This is weighing heavily on my mind lately as I'm 84, but in good health for my age apart from an arthritic spine. I can still do almost everything for myself.
(I could do with a cleaner though!), I now realise that I am very lucky and am going to hang on here for as long as I can, - and, like you say, recognise when I need to organise help.

henetha drawing on my experience with our elderly parents, I would say try to stay in your home and be as independent as you can, for as long as you can. It’s good for you as Hetty says. The trick is to recognise when you need help and organise it yourself. If the time comes when you are as disabled as my mother, recognise that and act upon it, that’s the clever trick. My mother doesn’t see that she needs so much help, and doesn’t regard what we were doing before she went into the nursing home as unreasonable.

That's interesting Hetty58. I'm in the process of trying not to become a burden to my sons. I'm still reasonably capable of looking after myself but it's getting harder. I don't want to go in to a 'home' just yet though. I have wondered if the sheer effort of looking after myself is probably good for me, - and your comment confirms it. So I'll stay here!

Allsorts, there is a theory that making 'sensible' adjustments for old age is unwise - and hastens decline. Lack of daily exercise, such as climbing the stairs, cutting the hedge or walking to the shops is quite a factor in losing muscle strength. Without good muscles, bones deteriorate rapidly.

The average length of stay in a care home (where everything is done for you) is just two years - before you die. Those who manage to stay at home survive far longer.

Having watched three elderly relatives (my mother, and my parents in law) grow older and older, and become more and more disabled, I have no desire to make my children do what we, and my husband’s brothers , have had to do. We are 68 and 69, and facing going into our 70s, still looking after three currently 94 year olds. My husband’s parents refuse to go into a home, and only have one carer visit a day, relying instead on their sons who shop, cook, wash laundry, take them to medical appointments, in fact do everything for them. My own mother is currently in a nursing home following her third fall and hospitalisation in six months. She had decided to stay there, but is now thinking she’ll go back to her flat. When I heard that I started to panic as she is very disabled in that she can’t care for herself in any meaningful way. She thinks because she can walk two metres to the toilet with her walker that she is now ready to go home. She refused to pay for more than one care visit a day when she lived at home. She is totally dependent for everything, shopping, cooking, laundry, personal care, care of her weeping leg, care for her bedsore on her back. Everything! I’m really, really spacking out at the thought of her going back to the flat and everything we’ll have to do again. I simply don’t want it. She wasn’t the best mother as we grew up and I’m fed up of being the best daughter to her now. I want it all to end, and apologies if that offends anyone. I’m looking at us both being in our 70s and still looking after the old.

GrannyTracey

Kali2
No regrets at all, it added some lovely times to my precious memories I have of my mum & gave me quality time with her that I would never have had

I totally agree with you Granny Tracy. My 2 siblings turned their backs on the situation but I'm so glad I didn't. I had difficult times but have peacefull memories of her now.

Kali2

Perhaps for another thread, and this has been discussed before, but I truly believe everyone in the UK should have the choice to decide how and when to end their life- when faced with debilitating and painfull illness, terminal conditions and intolerable pain or loss of dignity.

Woukd that read just as well without “in the U.K.” ?

Perhaps for another thread, and this has been discussed before, but I truly believe everyone in the UK should have the choice to decide how and when to end their life- when faced with debilitating and painfull illness, terminal conditions and intolerable pain or loss of dignity.

We made the huge decision to move to look after my very elderly parents. It was a difficult decision- but also no regrets, although it did not work out as expected. (we were tricked by a fraudster with the house sale, and it took longer than expected- poor mum died 3 weeks before our move- and dad, 3 months later of a broken heart. But it does mean the choice will be ours, if and when. Our adult children are totally aware and have come to agree).

Kali2
No regrets at all, it added some lovely times to my precious memories I have of my mum & gave me quality time with her that I would never have had

GrannyTracey- I totally agree with you.

My outlook is different because I now live in a country where the choice will be mine. I am very lucky to have the choice. I am a strong supporter of 'Dying with Dignity'.

You have my respect and admiration for what you did for your parents- although exhausting, I hope you have no regrets.

grannynannywanny glad it made sense. I usually do it on a board with arrows all over the place.

Foxie and anyone else cnsidering having joint accounts, just don't.

We had endless problems with elderly relatives who had each done POAs, but chose their own individual appointees. Because their accounts were all joint and they didn't have appointees in common every cheque had to be double signed. The idea had been that as I lived closest to them I would deal with everyday matters and paying for care, they were in a care home and would write and sign the cheques, but because of the way the POAs were set up every cheque had to be signed by an appointee for each of them and because both had different appointees, every cheque I wrote had to be sent to one of the two appointees for the person who hadn't named me as an appointee and cheques were flying here there and everywhere. it was a nightmare.

Cali2 my mum always said she would never expect my sister or myself to care for her & she would go into a home . My dad passed away just as my mum was diagnosed with Parkinson’s & dementia. I lived 500 miles away but visited her every 8 weeks , my sister 60miles away ( no other comment from me ) she couldn’t cope , stopped eating , stayed in bed all day / night. I had a call from her friend who said they had been helping her between them but it was too much as they were not getting any younger . Mum refused to go into a home & when I reminded her what she had said she said she never said it & could she come to live with me & my husband. We converted our garage which was joined to our house into a en-suite bedroom for her & she lived with us for nearly a year before she passed away . It was the toughest year of my life because I still worked full time but because I worked from home I was able to still care for mum . I am glad I did it but when I look back , my mum & dad rarely ever helped me with my 3 children when I lived near them because they said they looked after me & my siblings with no grandparents helping them so they let us get in with it because they wanted to enjoy their life . People can get very selfish as they get older so having something in place for old age I would consider very important because we do know what’s round the corner for us . Sorry for the long post

kittylester that’s really helpful and informative advice you’ve given about joint finances thank you.

Such a pity PippaZ’s appeal to GNHQ last week fell on deaf ears despite all those in favour of having a Benefits advice forum. So much helpful advice could be there for anyone who needs it.

I had a 3rd party mandate for my mum kircubbin and managed her accounts on line.

I had great difficulty with my father's finances as he had hidden money round the house and would not tell me any pin numbers.I eventually got him to the bank where they discussed how I could share his account. The meeting was to prove he was of sound mind. He was quite deaf and at the end the manager asked if he was happy to sign and agreed to the arrangements.He said I've no idea what you are talking about but I can sign if you want.Luckily she said nothing!

Joint accounts are not necessarily the best thing foxie. Joint current accounts are good but joint savings accounts might not be.

If you had £100k in joint savings and one of you needed care, the 100k would be allocated equally 50/50. And care payments would be assessed on that amount (50k) If the care costs are (say) £20k pa. at the end of year 1 joint saving are reduced to £80k again split 50/50 ie £40k each. And so on - thus depleting the assets of both parties rather than just the one needing care.

By the same token, houses should be held as Tenants in Common rather than Jointly.

I have told my children to just take all the valuable things then get a house clearance in but I am trying to get rid of some things I don't use to the charity shops.
I don't want my children to look after me and have saved so that I may be able to manage with some paid help if I need it.

Although I'm in my early sixties, I have downsized to a bungalow already. I have ruthlessly decluttered and got rid of lots of stuff. Now, I keep an eye on it so I only keep what I will use. I'm in walking distance to a supermarket, doctor, train station etc. I have poa ready and my will is written. I'm planning to sort out funeral arrangements so my children don't have to. They already know I want cremated. I've done what I can so far.

One thing I would suggest is decluttering (while you have the strength and energy). so your offspring aren’t left with a house full of “stuff”, I think that would be very unfair.

Within a few miles!