My mum wants to die and it’s all she talks about

Well done GrannySomerset. Not easy but definitely the right thing. I hope you find comfort in that.

My DH decided that he had had enough after Christmas and died peacefully in his excellent nursing home. I had agreed with the GP and the home that there would be no intervention and signed the relevant form, and DH had the death we both wanted for him. I am immensely supported by feeling that I did the right thing and that I was brave enough to get him to talk about what he wanted while he was still capable of having such a conversation - not easy but definitely right.

You sound very kind Serendipity. My Mum loved babies and dolls.

A few have mentioned a doll. That brought back memories if when i was a carer, awwww it was absolutely so lovely.

I went to a new lady and she was in bed ( morning call ) it must have been winter time because i remember the bedroom being pitch black.

I made myself known and asked if i could put the light on, which i did and there in bed with this wonderful lady was a baby NOT A REAL BABY, it was a doll that looks just like a baby.

Anyway, i sat on the edge of her bed as she told me that her 3 children had grown up, married, moves away and she missed them so she bought herself ( maybe 1 of her daughters or granddaughters bought her it ) a baby doll that she could nurse and love.

I almost had tears in my eyes, what a wonderful experience that was for me to witness.

Just thought i would share that with you because when a few Grans had mentioned the doll, it brought that particular experience back to me.

That's lovely, Betty65

Thanks so much everyone- you have no idea how you have helped me. I found a poignant saying today which I hope helps us all.
Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles - it takes away today’s peace.

ps correctiion - you YOUNGER folk.

Betty - I'm nearly as old as your mum so have a similar point of view.
To you daughters, talking about death is, hopefully, about something far away.
To us, it's something more familiar, often thought about. just around the corner. We're not here forever.
Thank God I still have a husband and we often talk about it. He always says we need to go together. So hoping he's not planning a joint car crash.
But I know our oldest daughter, who we see most of, feels the same as you older folk. I daren't tell her how we feel about death, she would crack up.
Perhaps that's the difference with your mother Betty, she seems to have lost the social skill to imagine your feelings.

Well done Betty.

This is such an important time in your Mum's life and you have had the courage to let her talk about it and make her wishes known. I applaud you.

My Mum would not accept a doll, she took one look at it and said 'take it away I don't want it I'm not a baby. A doll was the last thing she wanted. She'd have accepted a kitten, but we were afraid of trips and falls.
Sadly she lived till she was 100 and was miserable.

Betty I am another who understands from personal experience how difficult this is

Pleased you’ve had a better day Betty. All the best to you both

In an odd way I'm sure it's a relief to know that the end is in sight Betty. It's what your Mum wants (and I expect many of us in her situation would want), and palliative care can make things much easier for her and for you. Yes, talk about that party if it makes her happy. Tell her it helps to know what she wants, which actually it does, and make sure you have the party in due course difficult though it will be. My very best wishes to you both.

Good for you Betty, you've got lots to talk about now the party has been discussed. I'm really pleased for you.

You could find out which brandy your Mum wants there - my late husband was a Remy fan - who she'd like to invite, what food to have, etc. You could get some miniature brandies and ask her opinion. let her choose. Let her feel she is organising it.

My friend works at HospiceCareNorthumberland and has to regularly discuss death with her patients, it really helps the families.

Betty She wants me to make sure that we have a big party when she goes and that everyone has a brandy (her favourite tipple). I’m thinking maybe let her talk about her wishes more - it does make her happy
I’m sure that is the right approach.
You might like to listen to this www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06nnqlj
Kath Mannix was a palliative care consultant at Newcastle & in the broadcast she talks about people sometimes needing permission to die. Perhaps that’s what your mum is doing - asking your permission to go.
She’s written books too.
As regards the brandy, that reminded me of my godfather’s funeral, which he had arranged himself. The lesson was the gospel story of Jesus turning water into wine.
The music as we all left the church was the theme from the Last of the Summer Wine.
Then it was a short walk to the village pub where he had arranged for everyone to have lunch.

Betty65, thank you for your update, it sounds like you have come to accept your dear Mum's point of view after the hospital visit.
I think you are a loving daughter, and very wise to listen to your Mum's wishes now. Thinking of you both, hoping and praying that you both have peace of mind and some gentle, happy days together in the time that remains.
For you and your dear Mum. Our lovely Mum had dementia too.

Germanshepherdsmum

A doll is a lovely idea. Or one of those pretend puppies/kittens I have read about which seem to breathe and make little sounds?

My mum had vascular dementia. She was more of an animal person so I got her one of the cats that 'breathes'. I also moved its head. The brand was Fur Real Friends.

The cat seemed to comfort and settle her and I thought she seemed to think it was real. However, on one occasion someone commented on it and she said, 'It's not real you know'. I was quite taken aback!

I went with mum to the hospital and was told it’s very likely bowel cancer but without more investigations that they could not be 100%. She is too frail for this. The doctor has indicated that she only has a matter of months left which in a weird way has given me solace that her suffering is nearing an end. My mum did not hear, nor was interested in what the doctor was saying so thankfully she is unaware. Afterwards we went for coffee and cake in Costa and I let her talk about death instead of trying to change the subject. She wants me to make sure that we have a big party when she goes and that everyone has a brandy (her favourite tipple). I’m thinking maybe let her talk about her wishes more - it does make her happy. Such a roller coaster day

Thank you for sharing FOXIE. Betty I am so sorry for this dreadful situation for your mum and you. I understand some of what your going through. My mum is 90 still in her own home, but showing signs of dementia too.
She is certainly not enjoying life at all, every time I visit 2/3 times a week, it’s the same story of how much she can’t do, how weak she is, asking when she will feel better, how long will it all go on for etc etc.
To say it is draining is a understatement ! I dread going now, and sometimes have to take a kalms tablet before I go. My DH sometimes comes with me but then they’ve never really got on, so she always picks a fight with him. ?‍♀️
I wish there was something I could say to help. The only thing my mum enjoys is looking through family photos on my phone, but then she’ll spend the rest of the visit complaining she doesn’t see enough of everyone.
I’ve spoken to the Dr about anti depressant, but he said they weren’t recommended for the very old.
I hope you both get some peace soon. Take care.

Thanks Teacheranne, I'll suggest to her daughter she take her Mum's DVD player in, she had quite a new one. I don't think she'd thought of it, she's anxious about having to sort and sell her Mum's house.

Betty I know what it's like because my late Mum had dementia and I was her only visitor when she went into a nursing home. It was a challenging time and emotionally draining. That was a long time ago and my memory of her now is that of her being a wonderful mother who I miss.
A twiddle muff is worth a try and soothing music too . One day one of Mum's nurses took a kitten into Mum's room and put it on her lap. My Mum instantly relaxed and looked very happy. Nowadays you can buy a toy purring cat or a dog that might be a distraction and a comfort for your Mum. Here's a link to one on Amazon and there are more to choose from.
www.amazon.co.uk/Joy-All-90955-Orange-Tabby/dp/B07GSZ4HSQ/ref=sr_1_8?crid=1USJMKRGLHB9S&keywords=joy+for+all+cat&sprefix=Joy+for+all%2Caps%2C308&tag=gransnetforum-21&qid=1643169301&sr=8-8

Shandy57

I'm sorry you had a panic attack Betty65, I started having them when my husband died. I take Bach's Rescue Remedy spray and it works for me, they also do pastilles. I count through them now to try and get my breathing back to normal. Scary aren't they, big hugs.

My husband's grandmother was 89 when she started saying she wanted to die as 'everything hurt', it is understandable. I am sorry your Mum might also have bowel cancer, let us know how she gets on.

Can you think of anything that would distract your Mum from focussing on death, something she would look forward to doing/seeing? You could just bring in when you visit so it's like a 'treat'?

My friend has just gone into a home, I used to lend her my DVD's. She was really enjoying my 'Coast' collection before she left. Her daughter popped in today and returned them, it seems there's not a DVD player in her Mum's room, just a tv. I'd want a DVD player if I was there.

Good luck, you are a lovely daughter.

Your friend can buy a DVD player and take it in for her mum to use, that’s what we did for mum so she can watch dvds of Manchester City matches. DVD players are not expensive and just need a cable to plug into the tv. All care homes will have DVD players to put on film shows so the staff there should know how to work one.

Is there anyone you can discuss this with among your friends or family? And explore why you can't accept that this is what she wants- and why you can't bring yourself to 'let her go', in peace.

This is so sad- but your mum has the right to feel this way. This illustrates so well just how vitally important it is to talk- when all is well, and tell each other how we see the future beyond the limit we set outselves. My mum was always clear she did not want her life to be prolongued in any way once she got past a certain stage. She saw no point in continuing to fight in pain and increasing loss of dignity- once it was clear she would not, and could not get better. I respected this, 100%.

And I have told my OH, and my AC, that I will probably feel just the same, if ever, like her, I lose my legs, my sight, my dignity. I hope I never do- and I am a very positive person and a real fighter- but I am 70. My mum died aged 94, but she truly hated the last 5-8 years of her life. I wish she had been given the gift of an earlier death. One of the reasons I ma choosing to live where I live, is to have that choice, always.

Take care.

So sorry for both of you. Its very sad. But I understand how your mum feels. Take care of yourself.