Grandkids

It sounds as though you find it difficult to argue back or state no and keep to it, so I think that one idea would be to quietly arrange a few days away somewhere, dont tell them and then just set off and send them an email saying you are having a few days away. Dont tell them where and dont answer any phone calls from them. If you dont actually speak to them you can think clearly and do as you chose. It will be difficult and you may feel guilty about it but stick to it and then do the same thing a few weeks later. By doing this you are reinstating your right to do as you please in your life. You have already brought the children up and it is now their turn to look after their children. You then can say , that after all the years you have been doing things for the family, you realize you need to take the opportunity to do a few things you want to , while you have the energy and ability to do so. Write a list for yourself where you remind yourself that you have every right to live your life as you choose, that you are not second class citizens who must fit their lives round other people, keep in touch with friends who do their own thing so that you can not be browbeaten into thinking that their selfish and greedy use of your time and your belongings is normal. It isnt!! As far as we know we only have one life, and having spent many years providing a home and life for your family it is not down to you to repeat it for the grandchildren .If you can afford it ,go to an area you do not know well and rent a cottage or stay b and b or try going back to Youth Hostel - I have done quite a bit of that before covid. find out what you like and think of new ideas to try. Good luck to you and YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO ENJOY YOUR LIFE, dont let them take over and take away your life to suit them.

I think too many grandparents are used for free childcare whilst the parents are working…you have to be firm and say no or only agree to an occasional evening babysitting to allow the parents to go out for the evening…. Good luck.

My GS goes to a registered childminder now he's 3. I've helped out a lot with him and his younger sister because I like it that way.
However, occasionally when it gets too much, I ask for a break. No harm done. Ask and you shall receive... failing that, hide behind the sofa!

Man up and say a big fat NO! You only have one life and now is your time, enjoy being selfish.?

Oh Jinny, I do really feel for you and your husband. It sounds like your daughter and SiL are all for Their rights and non of Their responsibilities. We all make choices in life,but, it does sound like your choices to a long and happy retirement are just not being met, yet. Stay strong and maybe get you and your other daughter(the nurse) together and discuss the current situation. Please don’t put up and shut up. Feel free to PM me if you want to rant some more. Always here to listen. ?

I am also 68 and not in the best of health but I only have my last DGD 3 times a week after school for a couple of hours. Obviously I have her a few more hours in the school holidays. This is more than enough for me and it’s only until she goes to secondary school next year. I really wouldn’t manage the hours you are expected to do with much younger children.

I am with all those who say that you are being bullied, at worst, or used at best. It is time to say NO repeatedly. It all sounds like very unpleasant behaviour. I hope that both you and your husband can agree how much childcare and use of your car you want to provide, and firmly stick by it. No divide and conquer. Write it down if you think that will help, and give them firm notice of a date when your services will be withdrawn.

This is bullying and coercive on the part of your DD and SIL

DON'T STAND FOR IT - SAY "NO".

Tell them when they pick the kids up today that tomorrow is the last time you'll be having them. You've been telling them for long enough and now you've had enough!

Don't back down when they say they've got no-one else, stick to your guns, they are their children and their responsibility to either look after or pay for cover.

Maybe even lie tell them that you've decided you're going out every day next week and if you enjoy it you'll be doing it every week from now on

You do sound stressed out by it all. How sad that you are not enjoying your grandchildren at the moment. Remember that your daughter can't MAKE you have her little ones but it really does sound like you need to learn how to say no without any guilt. Try a casual chat along the lines of oh by the way we are out on such and such a day so you will need to sort something else out for the kids. Yes have a break away. We dont mind our children asking us to do anything for them but we have always said we reserve the right to say no and don't have to explain ourselves. I work on the theory of just because you can doesn't mean you must. Good luck.

I had to move house due to stress and worry my daughter gave me. It made me ill.
We text when necessary but she's not invited up.

Would they pay you the going rate? I think you can expect to be paid and,as and when you are, they can pay someone else who wants the job. I’m younger than you and in pretty good health - it’s blooming hard work! Might you also point out it’s putting the children at risk as you are not able to respond to potential emergencies- hopefully never happening but……..

Just say no.

Jinny54 my heart goes out to you. Dealing with such little ones at our age is not right.
I also get the psychological nonsense from my daughter. She and her husband have taken on two extra teenagers who have lost both parents. I was expected to love them as I love my Granddaughter....and to do it straight away.
I have tried for a year now to stand my ground on what I will and won't do. It's hard.
A therapist once told me that the simplest way to assert yourself in difficult situations is to 1. Know what you want to say. 2. Be specific and 3. Repeat as often as necessary.
All the best to you !

Honestly you need to "grow a pair" here

Start by withdrawing your car!!! Then move on to the kids.

Could you start by reducing the hours they are with you and work from there?

I agree with all the above, it's totally unacceptable that they are treating you like this. Call a halt, put them on to the free Government childcare and repossess your car.

Now, here's a caveat. My DDs MIL chose to take on childcare for her four grandchildren from two sons, all a similar age. She did have a Nanny to help and the arrangement was much appreciated. It was her choice and she had always been a controlling helicopter parent.

I made sure we got on for my DDs sake, but she was always wanting to discuss how they were living their lives. I refused to be drawn in and changed the subject every time.

She also tried to make me feel guilty for living in France and not down the road so I could have taken on a share. This I would not have done whatever. However, I would fly over every three or four times a month and do childcare especially in half terms and holidays when the time came. I looked after my son's DD also. To me this was a perfect arrangement and had some really wonderful times while my little ones were growing up. Of course there were times when I flew back when there was an emergency. I was doing exactly what I was prepared to do if I had been living down the road.

When the youngest started school DDs MIL said she would do no more childminding and was looking forward to taking up painting and seeing her friends. With weeks she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died 2 years later after a reasonable time but obviously difficult with all the medical care. It was so very, very sad and she totally missed her metime.

I really do feel that after the early struggles of adulthood, bringing up children and working retirement should definitely be the time to look after yourselves, call the shots and ENJOY.

Could you possibly 'invent an illness' that you or your husband have, thereby making it impossible to look after the grandchildren any longer.

I would put it in a letter saying that you don’t mind having kids now and again but your nanna not mother. I know one of my daughter inlaws puts on her mum and dad. She will sit and say mum you can have kids tonight not do you mind etc. I’ve even said you shouldn’t just expect your parents to do it in front of them and parents will say it’s fine we don’t mind but faces say different. Guess that’s because she is an only child. I’ve even said I won’t be that soft when I move near. As I said I’ve had my kids and I’m there nanna not a nanny. My other daughter inlaw as a child minder for work and us grandparents To be grandparents for odd night babysitting or taking days out but never puts on me or her mum

I really do feel for you Jinny, I know how difficult it can be to be browbeaten by a child with a domineering personality. Like so many here have said, you are being bullied, and that’s not ok. Regardless of what you do for people who treat you like this, it will never be enough. I think you are going to have to put on your big girl pants, tell them it doesn’t suit you going forward and you’re giving them 2 weeks (or whatever) to sort out childcare. Book yourselves a few days away if you can so there is a definite cut off date. Remember, you can’t change them, only yourself, best of luck!!

I think I would be very tempted to move away! Failing that get the locks changed and don’t answer the door after you have texted that you can’t have the children any more!

Good grief- did I read that right? Your son in law has your car?!
No- that needs to stop! Tell me you don’t pay extra for his insurance and fuel?

As to childcare- you are doing too much and finding it difficult and stressful. A baby and a toddler are far too much for that amount of time. The 3 year old should be eligible for 30 hours free childcare and if they are on a low income there is extra help with childcare costs ( www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs )

I know it will be an uncomfortable conversation, but it has to be done. Give them a date to organise things by, and book a holiday, preferably one that needs the car!

Stop allowing yourself to be treated as a doormat!

Tell these children's parents that much as you love them and your grandchildren, looking after them is now beyond you and that from such and such a date you will no longer do it.

Then book yourselves into a cheap B&B from the date you have set and make sure you leave to go there before the time of day where the children usually are brought to your place.

Have a nice peaceful couple of days away, and do not answer phone calls from your D and SIL,Answer by text if you like, that you are away from home as you assumed they had made other arrangements for child-care, as you had given them notice that you were discontinuing it.

I really don't know how you put up with this. I'm 69 and my OH 76 and we couldn't do it part time let alone 30 hours a week. You've done your share of child rearing why on earth does she think you want to carry on doing it now at your ages? I think they are both very selfish people. Put your foot down and say no. Don't answer the door when they bring the children or make sure you're out when they are expected. But say no. As for the car, who pays the tax, insurance, wear and tear for it? You? Stop doing that straight away and tell them to buy their own. Sorry if this sounds harsh but they won't take no for an answer so you need to make sure that you don't make it possible for them to take advantage of you like this. Because that's exactly what they are doing and you need to take time for yourself in your retirement while you can. Good luck. Please let us all know how you get on .

They’re taking the p**s.
Just say no!

Set out the time you feel you can manage the children and say to your daughter you would love to be fit enough to carry on the way you are, but that it is not fair to the children when you are too exhausted to play with them