Grandkids

I just can’t get my head round some of these ludicrous demands that some adult children are making to their elderly parents! As if it’s something you should do, and the grandparents seem to be so scared to say no, it’s ridiculous, I’ve never been taken advantage off, yes I looked after a grandchild but my AC was adamant it would only be for very few hours the rest of the time would be a childminder! There was never any resentment from me, mutual respect between myself and my adult daughter.

I'm exhausted at 74, I've looked after 2 small grandchildren for 9 years now, I do the household washing and ironing, plus cleaning for 3 days a week between 7 am to 6pm. Nothing I say to family makes them realise it's too much, what can I do?
There is a common understanding that I'm ok with doing as I look very young for my age.
The days I have to myself are spent in pain as my muscles ache so much with the lifting, carrying and walking after I've had them.
DS insists I take them out every day no matter the weather, I do not drive so have to walk nearly 3 miles to get to their house in the mornings.
Am I being unreasonable to say I'm done with it?

I'm astounded at how grandparents are being expected to provide such long periods of childcare by what appear to be entitled adult children. It's different if they have asked to do it and in good health.

When I had my 2 sons my mother didn't do one hour of childcare, and wouldn't have if I'd asked. She had a full time job anyway. Even when I was a single parent she didn't ever look after mine to even give me an afternoon's break. I didn't ask. They were my boys, my responsibility...and their dad's responsibility even when we weren't together any more.

My sons now have 2 children each, so 4 grandchildren for me. They have never asked me for childcare [GC's spanning 20+years], they are the parents not me. They take responsibility and have more respect for my retirement and wellbeing as I do have an issue which means I have days when I don't feel great.

However I would pick them up from nursery/school and maybe looked after them for a couple of hours before taking them home. I'd have one for the odd weekend, and another would come here after school for a meal and a couple of hours. I'd babysit in the evenings when asked. I loved it all. It was all a pleasure, not a chore.

There has never been a day when any of my sons or DIL's have taken my car and left me isolated. They take responsibility for their lives.

Please just say no, and stick by it. You are the adult and you are being taken for granted and dare I say, a doormat. If they don't like it, that's tough. You should get more respect and understanding not have this stress, emotional blackmail and manipulation. But you'll only get it if you demand it, it seems.

Unbelievable!
I have 5 children and 12 grandchildren. Never ever have I been expected to use my retirement in this way. How selfish and self-centred of them.
I did offer to care for my Granddaughters for a limited time. The parents' suggestion to review in 6 months. As it was I managed a year then said that it was too much for me. Complete understanding.
Say no....it only has to be said once. If that doesn't work then broken record technique or write a letter.
Their children their problem

I live in a Granny flat in DDs and SILs property, there have been a few times over the last 10 years when I have felt a bit put upon.
I am a member of a 3000 strong Ladies group here and have quite a lot of interests and friends.
When it starts to get a bit cheeky I make arrangements to go out, alone.
It took a while but it seems to have sunk in now that they ask me not tell me when they want child minding.

I would say that you have spoken to your GP and he or she has said that it is not advisable due to your health.

I have had arrangements with my DDs to look after the GC at various times. I have done this with one set of GC since they were 9 months old - caring for them 2 days a week while DD at work, picking up from school and giving tea etc.

This is how it went. She asked me if I might be able to help be part of the plan for child care when she returned to work. I agreed to do two days, and she made up the other days with child minder and other grandma. When she had a second child she again approached me as to whether I could help, and how it could be organised to suit me. I said that having them both to0gether might be difficult, as I was looking after a sick OH too, so we sorted it so that each of the days I helped it would be just one child and the other would go to other child care.

I usually pick them both up from school on a Friday now they are bigger but this Friday I have been invited somewhere. My DD immediately said she would put them in after school club so that I could go.

She has good manners and consideration and does not expect help as a right, but as a favour, She recognises that I too have a life. I am truly sorry that your daughter is behaving in this ill-mannered and inconsiderate way. You must be so disappointed in her.

Might it help if you wrote down what you are happy to do? - what feels manageable for you. You could then tell her this very clearly; say you are very happy to do this and hope it will be a help for her, but that you cannot do more than this. It sounds as though you have already gone down the route of the whole issue becoming the source of strife and argument with the whole family, so you will need to state your case clearly and firmly and not get dragged into recriminations and argument.

I do hope that you can find a way of resolving this, and can find a suitable compromise for both sides.

Sheian62 I am so sorry that has happened to you. You may find the Support for those estranged thread helpful to talk to others in a similar position!

I gave up full time work to look after my granddaughter for 4 years, even when her mother was on maternity leave with the 2nd grandchild. We had her from 7 p.m. one evening of the week until 7 p.m. the following evening. She is a lovely child and very well behaved. However things changed one day when we were asked to babysit one Saturday night. We agreed to collect the children at 4. p.m. so they could get ready, have both children overnight and then would drop them off the next day at 10:00. This went down like a pricked balloon as my son complained, we don't ask you to have them that often on a weekend. I wanted a blow out and 10:00 is a bit early. What he really wanted was for us to have them both all day and neither my son or his partner liked it. He hasn't spoken to us since August 2021. I believe he has had too much support, emotionally, financially and practically and expects, expects, expects. He is depriving us from seeing our grandchildren as well as him and it is heartbreaking. However until he finds it in his heart to apologise and accept that we have a life too (we are both 62), things may not change. I have tried writing to him, but he has ignored it, has returned birthday gifts and blocked us from phoning him. We have done so much for him, that it would read like a book, and all has been forgotten. We are now estranged and I cannot see how we can get beyond it apart from wait and see. Such selfish, callous behaviour.

absent in the time you are in, and you have my sympathy, I would think the company of your grandchildren must be a blessing - but you clearly also have a thoughtful and caring daughter..

Mr absent is in palliative care and dying. I am nearly 72 and have some fairly minor health issues but they can make my life a bit tricky and restricted. I have been routinely looking after my two youngest grandsons after school for three days a week. My daughter suggested that we should reduce that to two days a week – she knows how much I love having the boys chez moi but how tired and stressed I am.

i wonder how clear you're being with your daughter and sil? it seems blatantly obvious to everyone on this site that they're asking too much of you, but they seem to be blissfully ignorant.
might it help to begin with your health problems, and point out that your doctor has told you to slow down?
and many children would respond to you telling them you've been looking forward to retirement to do some of the things you weren't able to when you had small children of your own. eg days out and short trips away.
you also feel that as you have the expense of running your car you ought to get the benefit of its use.
before you sit down for this discussion, you should decide between yourselves how much (if any) you'd like to help out. probably ad hoc would suit better, so you can go away when you want. but bear in mind that this "showdown" may well result in them "taking the children away" and you not seeing them as much as you'd like. harsh! reality!!
i wish you luck. but you need to be crystal clear. agree a date they must make their own arrangements by. i hope they will respond well. but if they don't then tell them their response has made you feel absolutely unappreciated for what you've been doing, possibly do tears and sobbing, and let them apologise to you.
know that you are doing the right thing, for everyone involved.

Jinny54,

Stand your ground and say no more.
Why do adult children think it's up to Grandparents to look after their children.
I know some GP's love doing it but others don't.
You have to look out for your health as well.

Give them notice that you won’t be providing free childcare, say from after Easter, so they have time to arrange alternatives.
Then arrange to book a holiday, stay with friends from the first day they would have been with you.
If your d & SIL aren’t paying for childcare or the expense of running a car then they are taking advantage of you and this has to stop.
I wish you good luck and strength to carry this through.
Your health and life is important.
Take care

On another thread,
www.gransnet.com/forums/aibu/1188280-Exhausted-after-spending-a-day-with-my-grandchildren?pg=4
OP said her sil told her it would cost them £1500 a month for childcare, but expected her to do it for nothing!

Why don't you book yourselves a fortnight away (if too expensive perhaps stay with family), book it for first week in April and inform them that you are going away and will not be looking after the children from then on.

If you are able to, print off a list of child carers, nurseries etc. ,and give this to them. You have done your child care they are the parents not you. And if they are nasty I will tell them some home truths, and I suspect there will be a queue of us ready and waiting for them.

We sometimes agree to demands from children because we want a quiet life! It’s emotional blackmail.
Give them notice a week before before and tell them you will be having a break the following week .You don’t even have to go away,just relax in your own home.

If you are getting nowhere with basically giving notice work out the hourly rate a nursery would charge for looking after the two children plus food of course. Add a bit of a premium as the children will be the only clients therefore receiving greater attention had they been in a group of say 5 or six. Tell her you will be applying to be a childminder r to enable you to charge. Of course you will have holidays when DD will have to find an alternative childminder. So many people have children nowadays as if they will be everyone else's responsibility. Your DD needs to look at her lifestyle if she is stressed, all she is doing is passing it on to you.

Mummer

You are calling louisa rude but you are asking her to stfu?

Jinny54

My other D who has no kids yet has said that soon we will go away for a week & leave her to it. My other D also gets put on to help with the kids & she is a hard working teenage cancer nurse & also gets fed up of having her free time taken up with the kids. We do take them out when she is off but U cannot on my own because sil is using my car for work. Won't moan any more honest!!

Whaaa? She's using your car as well? Blimey time to stop my dear. Also. Car insurance is dependent on who is the main driver, so I would check out her Insurance arrangements I bet she's not properly insured!! What selfish people , sounds like one of my offspring!!

Be brave this is your time and it's too much

Hey Louisa1523-dont be so rude!
We have opinions and advice but we DONT have the right to be so downright rude about people we do not know! If you can't be nice or at least helpful stfu

Tell me about it! We had same selfish attitude from son and lazy partner.
You must be strong and not let them bully you to take on more than you are safe doing.
This will most likely cause a rift but I hope you find a peaceful resolution for all.x

I just don’t understand how you can be bullied by your own family and at your age into doing this. Give them an end date and notice that the arrangement is coming to an end.

I think too many grandparents are used for free childcare whilst the parents are working

Possibly but that only matters if the grandparents are not happy about doing it. For nearly 10 years we provided one day a week of childcare for our two grandchildren. I am SO glad we did that now that they have moved quite a distance away and we see them far less, we have a strong established relationship with little routines that they still remember. I am not saying that can't happen anyway, just that that was the outcome for us.

However from the very beginning we were VERY clear that we would only do one day per week as standard with possible extras in a real emergency. We also made clear that when we were going away we would always try to give notice but we would go away and other arrangements would have to be made. To be fair to our son HE never queried this and never complained or expected more than we offered.

Jinny That is where you need to aim for in your childcare arrangement if you wish to continue offering any time at all. However you may feel that enough is enough, especially as you have some health issues, in which case hard as it is you will have to draw a line. I am sorry that what should be a pleasure has turned into a battleground for you.