Nasty 90 yr old

I worked in care with a lady who would ofen make nasty remarks but the worst part for me was listenimg to her talk to her children rudely and gossip to each about the other.

For that money you could very easily find someone a bit tougher if you prepared them first. I dealt with it by just being very very jovial and polite and ignoring negative things.

I can imagine that she must be having an awful impact on your mental health.

You should do what is right for you. She may need assistance but that doesn't have to be you.

There is a method you could try for dealing with this type of behaviour called the Grey Rock method, which helps you stop giving a verbally abusive person ammunition against you.

Whatever you decide i hope things get easier for you

Yes, I would walk away.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Has she always been this way? If not her behaviour may be a symptom of dementia or depression. Her bad attitude may be her only way of expressing her feelings about how she is feeling in a completely different environment.Whatever the reason you most certainly do not deserve this and you must look after yourself - that is so important!.I have been in a very similar situation and I sincerely hope the situation improves for you. Look after your own physical and mental health - good luck !

I would talk to Qge UK to see if they can advise or help in anyway and who will be able to tell you what you can and cannot do and how to interact with Social Services, then give your mother a final warning, that if she does not cease her objectional behaviour within a week you will walk away and leave Social Services to deal with her. Then if she doesn't, hand her over to Social Services and walk away.

Sorry, Age UK

If this is affecting your physical and mental health ,it’s time to put yourself first. Speak to the social work team who arrange services for older people. They may be able to assess and put a package of support together. Who will pay ?
Look after yourself

My first reaction is that I would walk away. It would however depend on whether she had always been like that or perhaps had a change in personality due to dementia.

She's not going to change now, is she? You could walk away and go no contact. Would you be able to do that? Some can, others can't. You can go very low contact. I have done this as I would struggle with no contact. I visit once a week and if she starts being nasty, I get up and leave. It might be after an hour, half an hour or ten minutes. You do whatever you are comfortable with. Do not offer to clean etc. If she complains then tell her that her manner has driven people away. Good luck whatever you decide

I agree with Esspee. Can you get your Mum to see a GP and get a Memory Clinic referral underway?

If Mum does have capacity then maybe have a long talk to her explaining that her behaviour is unacceptable, unpleasant, unnecessary and will no longer be tolerated. Recruit a new companion and explain the history of Mums behaviour so they are better prepared; quite often it is crucial to be thick skinned and shrug off the nasty comments - difficult I know but will she really change at her age?

Has she always been like this? If not it could be dementia, people do change personality so it’s not their fault. I can’t see how you can walk away, if she cannot look after herself though. Would it mean notifying the authorities and telling them? Let them sort it, you would have to be tough to do that. Could she survive in this place without help? So many questions and it depends on the answers, no one should tolerate abuse whenever it’s from.

Thank you for your comments. I will certainly research the Grey Rock method, thank you VioletSky. I think less visits as I am just rewarding her rude behaviour by returning. She does not have dementia but I’m beginning to suspect that she is on the Autistic spectrum as she has always been a nasty outspoken person, no verbal filters at all. She has alienated many family members and my sister has walked away from her.

She sounds like my late narcissistic mother.
The relief when she died was immense.

I am sorry you are struggling with your mother especially as you have moved her nearer to you. Could some of her behaviour be down to missing her old surroundings and friends? I am not sure how the assisted living housing is set up as I am unfamiliar with it but it sounds as if it may have a warden? If so it may be worth speaking to them about how she is within the unit and if they have any suggestions for carers or cleaners as many will have difficult customers and have strategies to deal with them. As others have said the social work department should also be able to help but if she does have capacity and refuses help there may be little that can be done at the present time. I hope things settle down for you.

Sounds like Leslie Crowther’s mil. His widow told me her mother Winifred was a right harridan who had everyone at the nursing home in tears with her rude, aggressive, nasty behaviour. The only person who could control her was Leslie who gave her back the same. Several times the nursing home threatened to chuck her out. Her family lived in dread. Maybe they let her stay because of him. Unfortunately you don’t have anyone famous just a mother who is infamous. I feel for you. It is a horrible situation to be in. Less contact may not help her but it will help you.

Yes. Save yourself. ASAP

Even if this behaviour is due to Dementia you do not have to suffer it. I had this problem with my Mother until she became too vague to even be nasty. I used to say as, soon as it started “ I’m sorry, but I’m not listening to this” and leave. Sometimes it’s just about self preservation.

My mother was always nasty. I found it upsetting as a child and young adult, then I began to really understand that she was mentally unwell. She was compelled to put others down - in an attempt to make herself feel better (and superior).

I detached myself emotionally (easily, as we didn't have much of a bond anyway) and continued contact merely out of duty. I'm sure I would have felt guilty if I'd gone non-contact.

I only visited weekly, with company if possible (she was milder in company) and remained cheerful and matter-of-fact. I often pretended not to hear, failed to react, seemed preoccupied - and spoiled her fun.

I delegated everything I could to others, passed on messages, did the paperwork and kept an eye on her welfare. My reward? I didn't grieve - at all.

Has your mother always behaved like this? Or is it new behaviour?