How to decide about a care home?

I also have a friend whose husband has vascular dementia, I found the Alzeimer society web site very useful. This is the care home link, you might find it useful.

www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/help-dementia-care/care-homes-who-decides-when

Cabbie absolutely correct, spouses are usually elderly themselves, however it is so painful to admit that you can’t do it anymore.
I think too that the costs involved are so scary, that they really can’t see how they can afford over £1000 per week.

I think in some ways it is a bit easier for children of a parent with dementia to make the decision that they should go into a carehome, but harder for a spouse or someone who actually lives in the same house. My friend’s husband who has dementia is getting very difficult to care for, and she is getting really low and run down and admitted to me she had felt suicidal recently. Yet society and family expect the spouse to cope far too long without help, and of course they do out of love and duty. It is so hard.

I agree , perhaps it is time for your friend to visit a few nursing homes,that way if / when the time comes they will not feel rushed to find an appropriate home. Your friend needs to visit and get a ' feel' for these care homes. It is not always a case of how they look - a well furnished , spotless and beautifully appointed home may not necessarily provide the best care. She must feel welcome and comfortable when she visits. Watch the staff carefully and look for genuine empathy, kindness and respect towards residents. It is a minefield! but with attention to detail it can be done. Also if this gentleman goes into care and your friend is not happy with the home then not to hesitate to move him . We moved our Mum three times!! and eventually found a home that really cared although it was a bit dusty!! On each occasion we were advised not to move her ( too traumatic apparently!)
At one home I questioned why my mum was wearing pads and was told " well you know she is incontinent" She had just left our home been with us 4 years and I knew she was not incontinent! I reminded them that we would all be incontinent if we were unable to get to the toilet under our own steam . They were too lazy to take her and assist her in her toileting. Lots of incidents like this in many care homes. The home we found was headed by a compassionate person and that attitude filtered down to all staff from nurses , care assistants , and domestic staff. A culture of real care is vital! They regularly took Mum to the toilet - no more pads!!! Ask your friend to be vigilant and do her research in good time . I wish her luck.

My friend and her sister looked at all the homes in our area (with their father) before getting a live-in carer and they didn't like any of them except for the newest which he said felt like a hotel, which is why they went for a live-in carer. The sister is suffering from anxiety and my friend just doesn't know which way to turn.

It wouldn’t hurt for them to go and look at what’s available, just in case it becomes urgent that he needs to go into a home. Then they can see what their priorities will be and also the costs involved and how they will pay for it.
MIL had vascular dementia and went downhill very quickly, the family were able to cope, but on her last hospital admission the Doctors said that they would only release her into a care home as she was unsafe at home, she should have gone into a home months earlier but my SIL was adamant that she would go and do everything each day, which was silly as it made her ill as well.

Thank you both. I'm asking on behalf of my friend because she always turns to me for advice and of course in this case I don't have any. I will value any information coming this way.

I think a chat to his gp or memory clinic is a good idea - he could need a nedication tweak.

A nursing home is not any more likely to be able to get him to drink - in fact he might slip through the net.

This is a hard one. There is no good time to go into a care home. My dad said to me one day that they weren’t managing and would I find them a home. I looked around many before I found the one which I thought was most suited to them.
It is up to your friend to decide with her father.