How to decide about a care home?

Or I hope I have, I should have said.

Germanshepherdsmum

I hope that that will be allowed in my lifetime Witzend. What I dread is suddenly becoming incapable of control of my own destiny, say as a result of a stroke.

I’ve allowed for that sort of thing in my addition to my Health and Welfare power of attorney, Germanshepherdsmum.

IIRC roughly, ‘If I should develop dementia, or any other condition where I am unable both to care for myself and speak - with full mental capacity - for myself, then I emphatically do not want any life-saving or life-prolonging treatment. I ask for palliative care only.’

Dh has the same in his, so I would hope that no wretched I-know-best person would interfere. I’m pretty sure that dds would respect our wishes.

Please god it never happens to me. I don’t want to be a burden to my family.

I've mentioned it before and found I was far from alone in my thinking. It is heartening. I'm not sure GN would allow a thread to stay up - someone would be bound to report it -but you can always try. It's an important subject.

Don't apologise Fleurpepper. I feel the same. I tell my children that I want to die in a tent in a field and they know I'm not joking (I lived an al fresco life for a while and adored it). I agree it would be good to have a thread about it...

I am humbled. I expected very negative reactions to my post. This however should not be on this thread, apologies to Mizuna.

But perhaps we could discuss this on another thread at some point. It is massively complicated. But I am heartened by your responses.

Baggs

Fleurpepper

kittylester

I think a chat to his gp or memory clinic is a good idea - he could need a nedication tweak.

A nursing home is not any more likely to be able to get him to drink - in fact he might slip through the net.

I hope this won't upset or shock anyone. But my mother wanted to 'slip through the net', and I think if I ever get dementia or Alzheimers, so would I. Would that really be a bad thing? I would not wish to be kept going through all the indignities of the above for a long time.

Again, apologies if some find this shocking. This is how I sincerely think about this. And I would not wish my OH's and my children's lives to be so strongly affected for year to come.

I feel the same, Fleurpepper. I don't actually want to live to be dependent on others for almost everything.

I work in a care home but feel exactly the same,would not want to be kept alive with the indignities that go with the situation..

Witzend I wish I could’ve done the same for my Mum whose last few years of ‘life’ were similar to your mother’s.
MrJ and I have made plans.

I hope that that will be allowed in my lifetime Witzend. What I dread is suddenly becoming incapable of control of my own destiny, say as a result of a stroke.

Fleurpepper, not shocking at all, not to me. My poor mother showed the first signs of Alzheimer’s in her very early 80s. We finally went down the care home route when she was 89, and she went on to 97 - for her last years doubly incontinent, not knowing any of her family, unable to hold any sort of conversation, no clue about anything.

TBH in the few months before I knew a care home was going to be inevitable, if I could have tucked her into bed after a nice dinner and a glass or two of her favourite sherry, and been able to ensure - without consequences - that she’d never wake up again, I’d have done it. And I know absolutely that it’s what her former self would have wanted.

I can only agree with this, I dread being a burden.

I feel exactly the same Fleurpepper and Baggs.

Thanks everyone for your very helpful responses.

A really good question to ask any care home that takes residents with dementia is what type of behaviour would they not be able to cope with. Some say they are dementia specialists but they only mean for people at the early stages who are not going to disturb the other residents, gets violent towards carers who are helping them etc.

This was important to me when my mum went into a home as I did not want the worry that one day I would have to move her at short notice. Even when my mum got very difficult and it needed 4 carers to get her showered or dressed in the morning and she threw her food around, her home still welcomed her with compassion and coped with her moods.

Fleurpepper

kittylester

I think a chat to his gp or memory clinic is a good idea - he could need a nedication tweak.

A nursing home is not any more likely to be able to get him to drink - in fact he might slip through the net.

I hope this won't upset or shock anyone. But my mother wanted to 'slip through the net', and I think if I ever get dementia or Alzheimers, so would I. Would that really be a bad thing? I would not wish to be kept going through all the indignities of the above for a long time.

Again, apologies if some find this shocking. This is how I sincerely think about this. And I would not wish my OH's and my children's lives to be so strongly affected for year to come.

I feel the same, Fleurpepper. I don't actually want to live to be dependent on others for almost everything.

My friend kept her dh home for as long as she could. Several times he went missing and the police were really good at finding him and bringing him home. After that she stayed home most of the time and didn’t leave him on his own. Sadly he became more difficult, wouldn’t let anyone dress him, and became impossible to manage so much so that he was sectioned and sent to a mental unit 300 miles away. Fortunately he was moved to a geriatric unit close to home and then she managed to get him into the dementia unit of a nearby private nursing home where he was very well treated. She visited every single day and helped him eat his lunch and said he was always smiling and happy. He gradually deteriorated physically and passed away.

Fleurpepper

kittylester

I think a chat to his gp or memory clinic is a good idea - he could need a nedication tweak.

A nursing home is not any more likely to be able to get him to drink - in fact he might slip through the net.

I hope this won't upset or shock anyone. But my mother wanted to 'slip through the net', and I think if I ever get dementia or Alzheimers, so would I. Would that really be a bad thing? I would not wish to be kept going through all the indignities of the above for a long time.

Again, apologies if some find this shocking. This is how I sincerely think about this. And I would not wish my OH's and my children's lives to be so strongly affected for year to come.

I understand where you are coming from.

My mum looked after our stepdad at home, it was horrendous for all of us. He didn’t believe anything we said, he was verbally abusive and prone to outburst of anger, he was having mini strokes which made his vascular dementia worse each time.

He was admitted to hospital via A & E after a fall and the medical team decided he needed to be discharged to a home, and not able to go home to Mum.

We found a home, close to the sea, he could see it from his room (he loved the sea & beach all his life) it was probably the shabbiest one we looked at, but the management and staff came across as caring.

He was there for just under two years, the staff were outstanding and so very patient with him and the other residents.

I would urge anyone looking for a home, to research, speak to other residents families if possible, Google away, and do not be swayed just because the home looks nice as it’s the staff that’s important.

Thank you muchly Witzend.

To me, having been through it all twice, the time for a care home is any or all of,
a) when the person is no longer safe to be left alone at all,
b) when family/other carers can no longer manage,
c) when 24/7 care and supervision are now needed - by which I mean all day, all night, 365 days a year.

Sending all best wishes, Mizuna - I know all too well what a worrying time it is.

Jaxjacky, I don't know but I suspect they soon may be...

Thank you so much, all of you. Some heart-breaking stories. It seems like my friend's situation is escalating. Last night her dad got dressed in the middle of the night and sat talking to 'friends who came to visit.' This morning the carer has asked my friend to phone the GP. Incidentally, re the cost of a care home, this situation is costing £1,400 a week, so they will be well prepared for the costs.

Oops similar with my Mum, vascular dementia, another hospital visit for dehydration, she would only be released into a care home. We’d already done the research on homes, with the local mental care nurse tipping us off to her recommendation.
Mizuna are adult social services involved? Although busy, they were helpful to us with logistics.

This is all so so heartbreaking for everyone x. There is certainly no right and no wrong and whichever path you choose, it is not done with ease. I understand what each of you is going through. I looked after my mum, i gave up my job as a carer to do so, i was in a position to stand firm that my mum was not going in a home, but I had to have carers going into her home too, to help me and even then I daily 'beat myself up' that I wasn't there 24/7, despite the fact I was doing everything humanly possible ( I have no brothers or sisters )

Its such a heartbreaking time and like I say there is no right or wrong, we have to look after ourselves as well as looking after our loved ones, we have to find it in ourselves to be kind to ourselves, its not selfish, its sensible, its necessary in order to be able to carry on and be strong.

At the end of the day, if we can look at ourselves in the mirror and say "No regrets" then we can continue in life with our heads held up knowing we did everything humanly possible.

❤

I found the decision to let my H go into care extremely hard.
He had Alzheimer’s and was physically very unable after a stroke.
I had very little help with him and I was feeling trapped with a man I hardy knew and unable to leave the house.
I eventually got him in a care home one day a week 9.30am to 5pm.
Some days I went home and slept.
One morning I got up and his bed was empty, the police were called and although he could hardly walk at home he had gone to the local newsagent for his newspaper in pyjamas and dressing gown.
The police brought him home, came in for a chat and suggested that it was all far too much for me as I was 81, my H 82.
I asked for a place at the care home where he went for respite and a place became available in a few weeks.
The week before he went was one of the worst weeks of my life.
The guilt was overwhelming, however I stuck to it.
Less than a month later he was diagnosed with cancer and died four months later after a month in hospital.
Again the guilt was awful and had I known I would have kept him at home with paid help for his last weeks.
It took me a long time physically to recover some of my strength.
Your friend will come to realise she can no longer cope, that will be the time to make the decision.

kittylester

I think a chat to his gp or memory clinic is a good idea - he could need a nedication tweak.

A nursing home is not any more likely to be able to get him to drink - in fact he might slip through the net.

I hope this won't upset or shock anyone. But my mother wanted to 'slip through the net', and I think if I ever get dementia or Alzheimers, so would I. Would that really be a bad thing? I would not wish to be kept going through all the indignities of the above for a long time.

Again, apologies if some find this shocking. This is how I sincerely think about this. And I would not wish my OH's and my children's lives to be so strongly affected for year to come.