Any other grandparents care for their grandkids

Grannytomany, you are quite right. The child's needs and views have to be taken into consideration. Have you, the OP, asked her, without judgment, what made her come to you and how she sees it panning out? Sometimes young people see things in black and white and can't see a way back. I would listen to what she tells you and ask her, without making her anxious that you don't want her, what she thinks the way forward to reunion with her mother is. I too would also support my children/grandchildren until old enough to fend for themselves. Too many people give up on teenagers at the age they need adults most. They would of course never admit to that. Good luck with sorting a solution. It's a minefield. As for the money I would suggest to your daughter that you get the family allowance, or some financial contribution, for the gd while she is there. I am sure she is glad she is with you and not on the streets. There should be a member of staff at her school with responsibility for the welfare of pupils in such a situation. You can meet with them privately and make sure they are aware of the problem. Sometimes they have strategies to help sort it. They are also able to spot changes to behaviour. However, I have been out of teaching for some 20+ years now so perhaps things have changed.

There are too many gaps in the OP for any of us to make an informed comment and many comments have been made unbacked by real information. Is the girl's mother your daughter or DiL? I wonder what the cause of the rift can be to make it so irreparable. Does the girl have siblings and is there a father on the scene? What kind of relationship do you have with the mother and is some kind of negotiation possible between you?

One of my grandchildren was recently taken into care from her mother, my son's ex girlfriend. I was deemed suitable and am now her carer. At times I feel very resentful not towards the child but her inadequate parents. My son has her every other weekend but is happy to let her do anything she likes including staying with her friends all weekend. She is 11.
I am dreading the teenage years, she seems to be one already!
I don't know what the future will be but I will do my best for her as long as I am able.

An excellent post grannytomany. Having read some of the posts following mine up thread I was totally amazed by the lack of empathy for this youngster and her family. She is the important one who has her whole life ahead of her and I echo your sentiments entirely. Fortunately we have been in a position not to have had to ask for financial assistance and have not needed to involve social services for our two grandchildren. The two schools and their GP surgery have been very happy to liaise with us and indeed have been very supportive. It is not ideal for any of us but this is the hand we have been dealt and this is what families do. We also get much pleasure from them being with us at least for now.
So I would say to the OP , only you know the real circumstances and situation and only you can find the way through.Only you know if you can cope but don’t feel guilty whatever you decide . You can only do your best.

I can remember at 15 having the most terrible panic attacks and suffering with a mild form of what is now known as anorexia. My parents were very supportive 50 years ago but I can remember the shear terror of what I was going through. There was no medical support and my parents used their experience of going through the War to try to get me through. It did work but it was completely family driven. I wonder what this poor girl is going through.

That is a wise post Grannttomany Food for thought for me

I’m sad to see so little compassion and thought being given to the person in the middle of all this, the 15 year old. We have no idea of the circumstances behind her running away and her mother’s refusal to take her back home and I don’t think we should ask but I do think it should be acknowledged that there might be understandable reasons for both the child’s and the mother’s actions. Ultimatums aren’t the answer. Allocating blame by way of accusing the mother of abrogating parental responsibility isn’t the answer. Social services certainly aren’t the answer, especially for a teenage girl. Social services concern would be for the safety and well being of the child not whether she lives with her mother or not and the child is safe with her grandmother.

I understand completely what it’s like to suddenly have grandchildren living with you because of issues with their parents at a time when you think you’ve done your share of child raising. In our case, it was also a breakdown of a maternal relationship with a granddaughter but starting much earlier, almost from toddler age although she ( and then her younger brother) lived with us sporadically for well over 10 years and even when my grandson eventually returned home full time, my granddaughter stayed with us more than her mother because they just couldn’t get on. No bond there at all.

Even now, we are heavily involved in the lives of these two grandchildren who are now living independently but their mother (my daughter) is not. I do resent this but I would rather try to provide the family support they’d otherwise not get than wash my hands of them.

Sometimes one does what one would rather not do because there is no acceptable alternative. I stress the word acceptable. The consequences of taking the hard road with ultimatums and similar can be terrible and long term.

in an emergency, medical intervention would be given, without delaying to seek permission, same as with an unconscious patient.
but.
as previous posters, inc welbeck, have pointed out, there are many issues which might arise in this unregulated situation, which could put the OP in a difficult position.
seek expert advice urgently from children's services.

Ha! Another crossed post!

Hithere

I don't mean to be rude

The rights to make decisions on behalf of the minor - what if OP needs to take her to the hospital for a medical issue?

Could she make that life saving decision to save gd's life or hospital has to call her mother?

I read Hithere's questions as more rhetorical: suggesting that these issues rightly need considering, and soon.

This granddaughter is a minor and Jodyjay4 is not her next of kin.

Hithere

I don't mean to be rude

The rights to make decisions on behalf of the minor - what if OP needs to take her to the hospital for a medical issue?

Could she make that life saving decision to save gd's life or hospital has to call her mother?

Oh so sorry Hithere I posted my last post before I saw this post of yours.

Hithere What rights do you have to make decisions on behalf of your gd? She is a minor. Cannot comment more w/o additional details

Louisa1523 You are SO rude

I dont think Hithere is meaning to be rude. I agree her comments and questions could be worded better but she does have a point. Making decisions regarding a minor can be a minefield and this arrangement appears to be without things like that being taken into account.

Hithere perhaps explaining your thinking woukd be helpful to the OP?

Chestnut
I think some people forget that this is a public forum.

I don't mean to be rude

The rights to make decisions on behalf of the minor - what if OP needs to take her to the hospital for a medical issue?

Could she make that life saving decision to save gd's life or hospital has to call her mother?

The mother will retain PR for her DD ....I would have imagined school would have referred to childrens services? Even early help support...maybe that would be a starting point ? But mum would need to consent

Hithere

Op

What rights do you have to make decisions on behalf of your gd?

She is a minor

Cannot comment more w/o additional details

You are SO rude 🙄

A difficult time Jodyjay4 I can understand your feelings as it seems your granddaughter 's parents have abdicated all responsibility for her. What a relief for her that you could help. You should look to getting some professional help with this, money to help support her and advice/counselling to enable her to return home.
I wish you both well.

It doesn't make you a bad person at all. We had our GS living with us for two years and still now have to look after him for a considerable amount of time. It's not really how I saw this period of my life panning out - but it's what families do. They step in when needs must - and when there is no alternative.

Daughter should step up.

I agree with welbeck - social services can sort out a solution. Of course, we help out in an emergency - but how dare her mother assume that you'll take her in, at your expense? Maybe her mum will wake up and take responsibility when ss become involved?

you may be getting yourself into a legal minefield.
the parents cannot just abdicate responsibility.
contact social services asap.

Hithere

Op

What rights do you have to make decisions on behalf of your gd?

She is a minor

Cannot comment more w/o additional details

What right do you have to ask for additional details in such a rude manner? She does not need to hand over any more details than she wishes to.

Op

What rights do you have to make decisions on behalf of your gd?

She is a minor

Cannot comment more w/o additional details

You should be reimbursed financially and gd should be encouraged to help you within the household too with chores.
Lots of love and compassion but no easy ride.

You are far from a bad person. You are sheltering your grandchild, even though her parents foolishly think they get to abdicate responsibility for the person they made.

You need to tell your daughter that she needs a plan to take back her child. It’s not a choice she gets to make. She gave birth to the girl, and until such time that the child is no longer a minor she will have to deal with this situation.

I would ask for a hard end date to this arrangement, provided it is in the very near future. I would then inform your daughter that you will get social services involved if she gives you any pushback at all, or if her end date is too far in the future. Until that date, give the parents an amount they absolutely must contribute toward her upkeep until they take her back. The absolute gall of them to think they neither have to raise nor financially support their own child. It’s appalling. Teenagers are hard to deal with. You don’t get to be a parent only when things are easy.

As an aside, the fact that your daughter and this child’s father think they get to give up on parenting when the going gets tough should give a bit of insight as to why the girl ran away in the first place. Suggest family counseling. They need professional help get them in a better place. The message cannot be sent parents can give up on underage children. This period in your granddaughters life may be a simple rough patch, or can be the foundation for troubled interpersonal adult relationships. The outcome depends on how her parents handle it. But let them handle it! They must sort out their family issues.