carer or skivvy

My husband has mental health issues. He has lost three jobs in a month. He's here 24/7 won't leave the house without me . I feel trapped.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this disillusioned it's very easy to slip into this cycle of low mood/ depression. Tell your Dr how are you are feeling and get some help with this. Try to do one different thing each day to break the cycle, as the weather improves you may see your garden improving as well. Small steps but I hope you can take them to make your life better.

We were saying recently how giving up full-time work (retirement, illness, new baby) takes time to get used to, especially there are 2 of you at home.. Minimise the housework, try to get out of the home, maybe try to walk near nature (parks, woods, beach) and enjoy the changes spring brings.

You are depressed and have no motivation. I would for one hour a day to start with, instead of sitting around feeling resentful and low, go a walk, no dog, speak to every one you meet, just a good morning to start with, same time each day. Then perhaps after a while instead if that get a bus, free, into nearest town or village, look around there. You are bound to feel so low as a carer and seeing little of family, you must however look after your own mental health, if like me you can't see a doctor for love or money you just have to help yourself. I felt as you did and made myself do something each day, I am on my own and that has its problems too.

Whaat sort of community do you live in? rural? Urban? Inner city? Suburb?

Almost every community has some kind of social group.

I live in a large, rapidly growing village in a rapidly developing area. We have a WI, Derby and Joan Club, Social Club, History group, Warm Space, open 2 daya a week for warmth, chat and a soup & sandwich lunch. Ballroom dances and Tai Chi in the village hall, to name just two of the activities there.

If you have a bus pass, that will give you free travel to places further afield.

But the problem lies with you, and you know it. You do not seem to want a solution to your problem and your post rules out so many.

^ I just can't be bothered and am glad when it is bedtime. In fact bed time gets earlier day by day. I don't like sitting around all day but what else is there. I have a dog but can only walk her where ther are no dogs as she is not very friendly. I used to go swimming but can no longer afford the cost or the petrol to get to the swimming pool. I have a large garden but many of my plants are dead due to the cold weather before Christmas - I give up. If I don't care I don't get dissapointed. I have no interests in hobbies or meetings or get togethers of any kind.^

Other people have suggested that you are depressed - and that may be true, but in every situation like this the only solution lies in you. You have to find a reason for getting going and making an effort to change your life. No Prince Charming is going to swing by and suddenly fill your life with excitement and interest. The only person who can do that is you.

When you have got as rundown and unmotivated as you are, I can see that life isn't easy and it is hard to wind yourself up again, but the only way is up. See your doctor, perhaps look for councilling. See if there are any activities in your locality that just offer companionship and ht refreshments, like the 'Warm Space' in our village hall.

I know it will not be easy, having to make this effore, probably several times. But what is the altenative?

Yes being a Carer is hard but in order to look after your Husband you also need to look after yourself. There are some good ideas on here. you really need to have something of your own to do even if it is just one day or one hour a week. Perhaps do something on line if you don't feel inclined to go out and get involved in groups. Have a look and see what is available there could be something that sparks your interest.

I'm sorry you're finding life difficult since retirement. All the above advice is very positive and I hope it will help you. I noticed you mentioned your dog doesn't get on with other dogs.
You might find it useful to watch Dogs Behaving Very Badly. It's on Channel 5 at 8pm. Graeme Hall is a dog trainer who goes to the homes of people who have a problem with their dog(s). You will be amazed at the results achieved in a short time. Graeme often deals with dogs who can't socialise with other dogs. Perhaps if you were to watch the programme you would pick up some tips to enable you to train your dog.
Sending you my best wishes for a more positive future.

Have you considered contacting Age UK. They have loads of useful advise on Attendance Allowance and Carers allowance, in case you're not claiming that. You might be entitled to enough to really change the possibities of new activities. They can also tell you about getting help with housework, house maintenance etc.. and they often run exercise classes. I would also talk to your GP to check out whether you are depressed. She/he can also offer counselling/ and all sorts of social groups and exercise classes. I do hope life can change for you, it sounds grim.. but it doesn't have to be..

Perhaps find a dog training group or someone who could help your dog to become more sociable and then you could join a dog walking group. Dog walkers are a chatty lot and I don’t even have a dog. If you have a bus pass get on a bus,top deck and go somewhere. Find out if there is avery nice bus ride in your area. There is one up the coast here to Alnwick which has lovely stop offs even in the rain.
Plants are surprisingly resilient and can often resuscitate themselves. Give them a chance. Look for one good thing every day. A leaf pattern ,a bird feather. That got me through a bad time.

Google free activities in your area.

You havent mentioned friends at all?

I would say see your Dr.
Set a day for housework and do it together. don't let it drag on all week. My DH helps me now we are both retired.
Set a day for shopping and maybe go together and have a coffee while you are out.
We also planned that one day a week weather permitting we would go out even if just for a short drive and a friend suggested taking a packed lunch and flask. It really worked during covid.
I know if you live in a town or city this is sometimes hard to do but even the park gives you some fresh air.
We also share the cooking, I do the weekdays and DH gives a hand and cooks on Saturdays and Sundays. On Friday we have an Italian night with a bottle of wine, we started this when DD's were teenagers.
For hobbies try the U3A. It worked for DH but not for me so that was my afternoon when I did my own thing which was my Family tree.
Best of luck your not a drudge just settling into a new way of life.

See your doc and talk it over with them.
How much care does your OH need? Is it OK to leave him on his own?
Walks are free and you do not always need to take the dog if other dogs in the area are a problem.
Everyone above has listed all the things that you could do to brighten your life; but you need to find the impetus to do these tings and you cannot do that if you are depressed, so that is why you need to start with a conversation with your doctor.

Start with that then go from there - I wish you lots of good luck.

And by the way - 2 people cannot generate much housework - let some of it go and do the bare minimum - life is too darn short for cleaning!

Some good ideas here.
Changes in circumstances can be hard dissillusioned2022.
My daughter was very lonely and quite isolated after giving up work to have a baby - it was some time ago but I remember how she spoke of the shock of not working and although she was not as fed up as you sound she was adapting to a new way of living and found it tough.
It was a church group who were very welcoming which gave her the impetus to simply do more and she quickly blossomed. She wasn't (and isn't) a member of the church.
I think you should consider having a look at coffee mornings and other groups. They are very careful not to do anything expensive.
I think you can blossom as my daughter did, dissillusioned2022 - try to make yourself do something and hopefully you will become positive 2023 in a little while.

Thinking of you.
💐

I’m sorry that you feel so low. Yes, do speak to your doctor.
If you use a lap top, iPhone or iPad there are many free courses / classes that are free.
Are there any local clubs that you could walk to ? There may be a subscription but over a year they can prove an inexpensive outing.
Many places have a lunch club for over 60s .
Local churches often have tea and chat meetings. You don’t have to attend church.
Do you get a local magazine ? Often they list all the local organisations and clubs. There are lots that cost very little to attend.
I know it is difficult but you need to put in some effort to find what is right for you. Unfortunately they will not come knocking at your door.

Could you join U3A which has loads of different interest groups? The meetings are generally free. Also I have recently joined our local Historical Society and the National Trust Supporters group. Both of these have monthly meetings. Why not join a walking group (without the dog)?
It does sound as if you are depressed and should be talking to your doctor and volunteering would be a very good idea. My DH is often ill and doesn’t want to go out and I have built a life for myself.

If you can't see anything positive in life, I wonder if you might be depressed? Talk to your doctor and don't make excuses about it not being easy to get an appointment. When you are low, it's too easy to find excuses why you shouldn't change as it's too hard. I actually think you've done something positive by posting here so take credit for that. But definitely talk to your doctor

Can you volunteer for a few hours a week.
It will give you purpose and you will be doing something positive for others as well as lifting your mood and just getting out.

Could your doctor "prescribe" swimming as exercise is good for the mood. What you save on swimming charges may mean you can afford the petrol.

Please don't think you have to be so miserable in retirement.