MiL wants to go to care home. We don’t think she’s ready.

It's really difficult as family members get older. Even if they have close and supportive family.
All I can say from personal experience with inlaws , keep as much support from you / family and paid care. Especially, if what you say about her cognitive and physical situation is correct . Most ( not all) people in care homes are failing , albeit slowly . My Mil , felt she was lonely ( although she had 3 - 6 people coming into her home every day, including family twice a day ) . Basically she'd never lived alone , didn't like it and felt vulnerable . She would have liked to come and live with family, however, her son's and other dil didn't want that . I as a widow, with 3 children couldn't support her living with me , however visited, shopped , supported 5 days a week .

It's tough. I support you keeping her in her own home as long as you can .

Especially for her .

Hard choices.

I agree with previous suggestions to let her have a 5 day to 2 weeks trial. This will give her a good introduction and an idea if it is suitable for her. It might well be that she is getting more tired and frailer than she is letting on.Better to move when she is ready than when something happens and you have no choice. This will give you time to choose the best home for her. with a good room. You can see the facilities and what they provide and let her meet the other residents. Let her keep her options open whilst respecting her wishes. Possibly extra care might help.

I think you are right to be concerned, as you would be for any dear relative that was making a life choice that looks inadvisable. I know this is a gloomy thing to say, but might she know something you don't? A diagnosis, perhaps? The suggestions about trying out a home for a few weeks are really sensible.

gn38

I'm 85 next month and would imagine your MIL is just plain tired. Old people put on a brave show but behind the scenes everything becomes more and more burdensome and exhausting. I'm in process of selling my home as my husband, 4 years older than me, moved into a Care Home last year after a 2 week trial. He appreciates his regular meals and all the attention which I could no longer give to him. He's no intellectual but enjoys Bingo, Chair Exercises and Music and Movement. There's a lounge, conservatory and large wraparound patio which provide alternatives to his room, easily accessible as he independently uses a frame for walking and makes his own way down to the communal areas dining room included.
I'm left wondering what I'll do - I'm living with my daughter till my house is sold (sale necessitated by funding for husband). Daughter is anxious I stay but I like more independence and feel she should have that too but as she is continually working we hardly fall over each other.
I've looked at several retirement complexes which are tempting with their compact purpose built accommodation. High annual costs are affordable but later selling is a nightmare I believe as also is the problem of selling and getting one's 'stuff' out. Most of mine's in storage now.
Anyway won't bore you Grans further except to say far better to do your moving early (and at 90+ hardly easy) than to wait till one feels incapable which is what happened to my own mother at 86.

I read in your post

"sale necessitated by funding for husband"

Surely not? Were Social Services involved in this decision? If one of you is living at home then they cannot force you to sell up??

If they are, then get some advice - or did he choose to go in?

Sounds like she'd love it.
A bit of pampering & more choices
There can be lots of interesting people around including of course the lovely staff
Better to move in whilst you are lively & interactive & can build new relationships
Guess it might cost more but the sale of her house will facilitate that.
She sounds amazing xxx

I understand her - I am socially isolated, and it is horrible! I do not think that moving her into sheltered accommodation is a great move, as potentially she would have to move twice!

Why not get someone in to help her out? Take her places and provide some company? Maybe someone older like someone who has kids at school, or someone recently retired with time on their hands?

I do think that a months respite in the care home of her choice is also a good idea, as if the people there are able to debate with her or even have a decent conversation, she will hate it - I would ....

I also think that

A trial run does seem the best way forward . She may hate it and come home to enjoy her independence. She sounds a capable lady but at 92 she is perhaps wondering how much longer that will last. After her practice run in a nursing home she may decide to stay in which case I feel sure you will respect her wishes. It is a dilemma but ultimately her choice. I wish you and your MIL the very best whatever the outcome.

Some care homes have separate apartments where the resident can take as much or as little help as they want and can come and go freely. Cooking facilities are not usually allowed, however your MIL may be able to assist in the kitchen is she wants to.

In any event, there’s nothing to stop her from continuing to go to those groups she wants to / can get to, and indeed the home may facilitate that or at least have a trusted cab firm.

My mother lives in a McCarthy & Stone block and I think they’re great. However at 83 my mum is now infirm and I would dearly love her to accept either in house help or a residential home with an apartment, I’d say let your MIL decide and the help her to achieve her wishes!

Near here there is a mixed complex where there are flats owned by people and also some supported living flats. They also have a cafe that is open to the public as well. If there is something like that in your area it would provide care if needed and not need to actually move again. I agree it is a good idea to be able to go and try it out and think a fortnight is a good idea. We can all be delighted with somewhere for a couple of days and only notice the disadvantages a bit later. Also try to find somewhere now when it is still sometimes poor weather. Again when the weather is good people tend to be in a better humour and get out more. Having a chance to see how it works on a miserable day is worth while. It is also an opportunity to work out how often you would be likely to visit. So trying to have 2 weeks in the normal way the person would experience it. I am a very independant person and made the hard choice to leave my home for a ground floor flat. Practically it was the best idea, but emotionally very difficult. However I have found ways round things like lack of a large garden, and I am still running my life in my own way, which is the most important thing to me. So your MIL is doing the same , choosing what she thinks will provide her with the best available place where she has the choice, and does not have to worry about being put somewhere she would not like in the future. It is good that you are concerned and caring, but when it comes down to it, we all want to choose our way of life as long as possible. Good luck to her finding somewhere that suits her and hope she is able to keep her independance for years to come

Lizbethann55 as she owned her own house she couldn't have afforded somewhere really nice.

Couldn't she sell and live as she wished?

Are there no organisations your MIL attends that have volunteers or access to volunteers who would collect and take home after the club? Obviously cost would be involved but sometimes it turns out someone would be passing her house anyway on way to club etc and could pick up. Would taxis be out of question costwise? I can understand the approach of not wanting to move and then perhaps need to move again. Maybe needs to consider it may only be one move, not everyone goes into a care home.your MIL sounds a real livewire and I also understand your concern re deterioration.

Far better to be proactive rather than reactive !!
My best friend is in a care home and has a small apartment rather than just a room. She can make tea, coffee etc., and still is able to access all of her groups as before but also has company, activities when she chooses.
And at the end of the day it’s her choice !!

I'm guessing that she just wants to move once, not have to move again if she becomes infirm. I think that some places offer two kinds of support, starting with simple sheltered accommodation but with more care available should she need it later.
My mother chose the place she'd like to move to quite early, but sadly died before she needed to leave her own home.

A trial run is a good idea as is the choice of home. My MiLwas in a wonderful home. Purpose built. Each room had a living and sleeping end. An ensuite and even a little kitchen. The residents kept their own landline phone numbers. There was a variety of lounges. It was also on a main road with a bus stop right outside. Across the road was a library and a hospital with a few shops. One of the ladies who lived there was a volunteer with the WRVS at the hospital until she was 100. But, it wasn't cheap. As my MiL had lived in a council property most of the cost was paid.
My own mum lived in her own home until she died. She could do all the things you talk about, but she no longer wanted to. She was tired of looking after herself and wanted to be looked after and didn't want the responsibilty of worrying about herself and the house. But as she owned her own house she couldn't have afforded somewhere really nice.
Why don't you have a serious discussion with her about why she wants to move.

Perhaps she wants to sell, make finances ready for paying for care?

Well I think a trial is a great idea, she might not get what she's expecting.
Give her a break though, looking after yourself : meals, cleaning, washing, tidying, loneliness is hard. Maybe she wants a rest. If I could go to an all inclusive hotel to live I think I might go now!!! It was my 60th last week lol
I hope she's happy whatever SHE decided big hugs to her ❤️

Agreed

Good for you Bijou!! Long may you live 🤩

Nannan2

Lost my glasses- wow, that seems like an awful lot of money for them NOT to have delivered on the staff and management levels doesnt it? You would expect for that price it would a near perfect nirvana?🤔

South of UK .and it was a nursing home as well . Self funded but you can clawback about 1/3rd in various allowances
She always would say isnt thenhs marvellous- she didn’t always realise it was her money .
To be fair she went from liking it to hating it on a regular basis but I do think a lot of it was the other residents- it was often quite depressing to be honest !

I'm 85 next month and would imagine your MIL is just plain tired. Old people put on a brave show but behind the scenes everything becomes more and more burdensome and exhausting. I'm in process of selling my home as my husband, 4 years older than me, moved into a Care Home last year after a 2 week trial. He appreciates his regular meals and all the attention which I could no longer give to him. He's no intellectual but enjoys Bingo, Chair Exercises and Music and Movement. There's a lounge, conservatory and large wraparound patio which provide alternatives to his room, easily accessible as he independently uses a frame for walking and makes his own way down to the communal areas dining room included.
I'm left wondering what I'll do - I'm living with my daughter till my house is sold (sale necessitated by funding for husband). Daughter is anxious I stay but I like more independence and feel she should have that too but as she is continually working we hardly fall over each other.
I've looked at several retirement complexes which are tempting with their compact purpose built accommodation. High annual costs are affordable but later selling is a nightmare I believe as also is the problem of selling and getting one's 'stuff' out. Most of mine's in storage now.
Anyway won't bore you Grans further except to say far better to do your moving early (and at 90+ hardly easy) than to wait till one feels incapable which is what happened to my own mother at 86.

And I agree with the OP that it needs rose-coloured spectacles to assume that there will always be stimulating companionship.

You can't guarantee that anywhere once past a certain age where care is needed. However, we can assume the carers have a certain amount of intelligence to be stimulating. Even though my Mum has dementia, she is still intelligent and the carers attempt to engage her about the books and papers she is reading or tv programmes she is watching. There are activities every day she could join in with if she chose to. I think that is the case in most homes from my exploration!

I agree with the OP that it's odd that her mil is rejecting sheltered housing options, even the ones that have provision for greater care when the need arises, and that she won't talk things through with them. I'd feel very hurt and perplexed in the OP's place.

I also think it somehow not quite right to take up a scarce care home place without being in need of the services it offers.

And I agree with the OP that it needs rose-coloured spectacles to assume that there will always be stimulating companionship.

Might the mil consider more home support for a year or two - laundry, basic food prep etc? Plenty of companies that provide that. Cleaner twice a week or doing more? And taxis to her bridge club and talks? All that would cost far less than care home fees.

Good luck, Cloudscape.

Why does she want to go into a care home?? Maybe she's had enough coping on her own and would like to be able to continue to make her own choices. If she always has been an independent lady why do you think she is not able to make the choice for herself? She feels she is at the point where she can still decide how she lives. The transition is so much easier if it's your own decision. I know I would like to be able to do that and I am not quite as old as your Mother in law.

Rogerxyz

Let her go and enjoy it.

We are talking about a woman capable of making informed decisions here. No question of ' letting her go'. I do find this insistence that because you are older you are incapable of making decisions about your life. Whether others think the decision is right or wrong it is still ours to make.

i dong think she needs a carehome she won’t get the activities and socialising she is expecting 🤔