MiL wants to go to care home. We don’t think she’s ready.

After an operation five years ago the NHS put me in a care home for two weeks. I couldn’t get out of there quickly enough. Not to be able to have even a cup of tea when you wanted and having to have meals at a set time. Not being able to see a TV programme of your choosing.Even when in pain having to wait until they decided to give medication.
Two weeks in Jail!
As most of you know I will soon be 100. I am still able to get my meals and do my internet shopping although in pain. If watch TV in the middle of the night I can do so. I still enjoy my independence .

Nannan2

Like a little 'flatlet' entirely of her own but within a care home setting so to speak?

This is more or less what I have. My large old house with very large garden was beginning to be too much for me, and when I was in hospital my son found this flat for me. It has a hallway. sitting room, bedroom, bathroom and small kitchen. There is help available if I need it. I have lunch provided, but choose to do other meals myself. I could have lunch with others, but prefer to have it on my own in my flat. Communal eating reminds me of school dinners!

It is bliss not to have to worry about the maintenance of the building, and to know there is someone there in an emergency. It’s made a big difference to my life.

I think possibly she’s worried about if she had a fall or became ill suddenly she’s afraid of noone finding her for hours/days. Maybe an alarm bell would help which she would wear all the time. May also be worth finding out if there’s local day centre nearby which would collect her. Something like that may give her an indication as to whether full time residential living is for her. Hope you find the best solution for your MIL
I know from experience my Dad is really much happier in a nursing home ( does have a lot of health issues) as if you find the right home staff organise days outs, entertainment and there’s always someone there to talk to or help. Living alone myself I do know how lonely it is and I’m sure when I get less mobile hopefully not for years to come a care home would be my preferred choice of living.

Sounds like your very caring I sympathise my mum is 88 very independent lives alone etc but says next year she wants to look at care homes as everything is too much trouble .I don't live near 2 hour drive but go fortnightly. So I feel whay your saying

My Aunt and Uncle have just moved into a fabulous place, it has 3 levels of accommodation and care. They are middle level have a small apartment with small living room, kitchenette (no cooker but has a microwave) en-suite shower room. They have all meals in lovely restaurant or can be delivered to room. The restaurant even has a bar. They have loads of clubs and entertainment they can go to, trip to supermarket once a week and trips out.
They have an option to upscale to nursing care if required.
Apparently lots of these places around the country.

Just as an aside in August 2020, mid pandemic my husband had a serious heart attack, it’s was put down to stress as he was an active and slim 65 year but he’d given up work to care for his Mum permanently who lived in part-sheltered council accommodation very close to us, this suited her when she first moved in about 8 years before, but a series of TIAs sadly left her with vascular dementia which rapidly progressed and left her unsafe. We had to move her quickly whilst my husband was still recuperating and found a care home within a bus journey away (DH does not drive) and we had to leave her at the door as visits were prohibited due to COVID DH was only allowed to see her through an open window (small opening at top) wearing full PPP - they really did their best and only lost a very few to COVID and she is still there at almost 88 and they’ve been truly amazing - a great well being lady arranges all manner of voluntary activities, exercises and monthly trips - the food is brilliant and it’s spotlessly clean and the carers are fabulous, kind, patient and understanding

The comment about not wanting to move house but move out with selected possessions may indicate a desire to live a more relaxing life style for a variety of reasons and not necessarily those that you are aware of. Selling and moving house is stressful and an upheaval and I would think even more so at 92. You could ask what is her plan for the house, selling it, letting it - will she be asking you to oversee this? The idea of a trial stay is good, other ideas/options other than a care home may present as a result of this.
Good luck

Let her go and enjoy it.

We are nearly a year in to a Nursing Home for my mother and she still wants to go home. She can't see that she can't cope at home even though she couldn't do anything for herself. If your MIL feels she is ready for that now and is capable of making her own decision, let her do that. A good first step would be to have a 2 week/month's respite to see how she likes it.
Whilst you might be against this, you aren't the one living on your own and may be masking some problems. In my Mum's home there is a lady of nearly 100 with full faculties, setting up her own wifi and smart assistant, etc. Not everyone has lost their faculties and can have good conversations. The carers are often more than happy to do so even if the residents can't.
Also, you can still take her out, visit regularly, etc. It's not as if you are putting her in a prison!

I know a lady in her 80s who was living independently, but a year into lockdown, she opted to self fund a 2 week respite stay in a care home. I thought she'd rush back home, but she's chosen to stay there.
In her eyes, she's future proofed the rest of her life, as the care home can provide nursing care if needed.
The potential downside is the cost. It's over £1K a week here in the Midlands, and I know that's cheap compared to down South.

Lost my glasses- wow, that seems like an awful lot of money for them NOT to have delivered on the staff and management levels doesnt it? You would expect for that price it would a near perfect nirvana?🤔

I’d go for the suggestion of a months trial in the nicest/best/most suitable home you can find and then take it from there xx

Yes - or rather encourage her to look at other options and do some serious research first . I did amend my somewhat negative comment -as I can only talk from experience . A move to a residential situation with options for care and activities whilst maintaining independence is abetter choice ) in my opinion ) there are alot of care homes with a lot of problems . Harsh but true !

My partner and I had a similar issue with my MIL so we arranged a two week stay at a local care home to see how she got on - she wanted to come home after a week. We have since arranged visits with volunteers from Age UK who pop in for a cup of tea and a chat etc. Like your MIL. she was just lonely.

SecondhandRose- yes that sounds like what i was trying to envisage!

Have read of these Age UK factsheets (scroll to homes and care section) and the Elderly Accommodation Council info. These may help thinking and talking to your MiL. www.ageuk.org.uk/services/information-advice/guides-and-factshttps://eac.org.uk/heets/#home

Like a little 'flatlet' entirely of her own but within a care home setting so to speak?

The only thing that would concern me is the situation which occurred back in the beginning of covid 19- its still a 'thing' and rising up again in some areas- so if that, or indeed any other illness, became rampant again would these kinds of homes be the death/sickness harbourers that they were then? Your very healthy lively elderly person likely survived all that as she lived alone..However, maybe thats one thing that has decided her- maybe all the months of lockdown on her own led a realisation that to be entirely alone is not what she wants..Is there no 'sheltered'/community housing where they just have a bedroom/bathroom/small kitchen of their own but everything else is where they gather together for meals and sitting room and have proper care staff /medical etc? Surely somewhere has 'the best of both worlds', so she'd only have to move the once?

Neeed to add to my post as it was abit negative ! It’s down to the standard if the care home as well as they are profit making businesses. My mothers was top of the range care and nursing home and 7k a month . Her last years were in the pandemic which was a nightmare but prior to that the home did not deliver at management or staff level . I am saying do your research check the CQVC reports and reviews .hopefully she may indeed strike lucky and be very happy !

My FIL said the same. Took him to see some and he then found out he couldn’t take his own bed, have a kettle or booze in his room. He soon changed his mind!

My 91 year old Mum has recently moved to a McCarthy and Stone apartment. It is a great inbetween home and although my Mum is not at that stage, carers and staff come in daily to visit some residents. They organise outings and fish and chip nights and have a social communal room. Yes there are fees to pay (approx £3.5k annually including ground rent) but this includes the warden, emergency pull cords, social room, cleaning of common areas, maintenance of lift and security doors, fire alarm, gardening, window cleaning and buildings insurance and poss more I have forgotten. Above all it feels safe and no price can be put on that. She opens her front door onto a carpeted hallway. No nasty draughts or doorstep callers.

Lostmyglassesxx

The issue will be the other residents and whether she finds anybody on her wavelength .surrounded by people who weren’t , my mother felt very isolated . A lot of activities but very little social interaction . A lot of residents will be in decline . Discourage her !! Also the lack of doing things herself causes a decline
Maybe a weeks trial so she can get an idea and assess herself .

Discourage her? discourage someone who is totally capable of making her own decisions?

If at 92 I wanted to move in a care home, I do not see how it could be done without selling home and possessions. I think once you settle in care home, you might decline rapidly. Especially after arranging sale of home etc. But it is her choice.

@Cloudscape. I don't mean this to be critical, telling off or anything except a helpful comment and its this. You may not be able to understand her reasoning and that shouldn't be a factor. Loving acceptance (which I am sure you are giving her) is all that is necessary. For your own comfort, can I suggest that you think about why you find it worrying that you don't understand her choice?

The issue will be the other residents and whether she finds anybody on her wavelength .surrounded by people who weren’t , my mother felt very isolated . A lot of activities but very little social interaction . A lot of residents will be in decline . Discourage her !! Also the lack of doing things herself causes a decline
Maybe a weeks trial so she can get an idea and assess herself .

Funding is key I presume this has been thought through.