MiL wants to go to care home. We don’t think she’s ready.

cloudscape, I wouldn't want to start over by 'moving house' at 92 either.

My aunt moved into a lovely
hotel until she really did need a nursing home. She was 'Tired with everything, running a house, shopping and cooking!' Fair enough at that age, surely?

When my Mum decided, at 89, that she wanted to go into a care home it was because, although she appeared to be coping well, she felt very insecure and vulnerable, aware that her situation wasn’t going to improve and needing the reassurance that even at night there was always someone close at hand. Nor did she want to be bothered with the routine upkeep of her home. Sadly she had a stroke before we could arrange that and eventually had to go into a nursing home, rather than the purely residential home she preferred.
Looks like you have done the right thing by visiting homes and finding a decent one. The only advice I would give is, if your Mum is mentally fit, avoid homes that take dementia patients as she might find that distressing. There is probably a waiting list for a good place so this would give your Mum time to be sure this is what she wants. In the meantime try to get an LPA in place if you don’t already have one, it will make life much easier for you all.

Cloudscape, first can I say what a lovely person you must be, you are obviously very fond of mil and want her happy. I do wonder however, if perhaps she is not coping as well physically, the suggestion of trying the care home for a while sounds good. It would save two moves. As you age everything takes longer and you age are no longer do thise tasks you found easy. I would however make sure where residents sit round in circles but there is the opportunity for lots of social interaction. Some posters do come over as a bit dismissive and judgemental, best to ignore.

She may change her mind. My mum (96) considered it a few times, but came to the conclusion that she liked keeping some measure of independence and has people/family popping in. She has visited friends in care homes and so is making an informed choice. But her mobility is quite difficult, so that may in time be a decider for her. These nonogerians are truly inspiring.

If she is adamant, help her look at as many as it takes, until she has made up her mind which one.

Only she knows how she feels within herself.

Perhaps at 92 your MIL simply wants to relinquish the responsibility of running her own home and enjoy having no housework to do. Maybe she is ready for an easier, more restful life and feels a retirement home is a safe place where there will be company, meals in a dining room and where there will be staff to support her for her remaining years.

My mil said she wanted to move into a care home a number of years before she actually needed to.
We took her to see a few and there was always something not quite right with every one,so she did it do it u tiles she had to following a fall and broken hip.
It turned out she didn’t like it.What she really wanted was either her son or daughter to move in with her at her house without their respective spouses!
She’s maybe tired,she may have had a few scares like almost falling,and no one sees her for a few days after.would she consider one of the wrist or neck alarms?
But if she’s got her full factualities you can only help to enable her.
Good luck to you all.

She sounds very sensible! Go and visit a few care homes with her and choose one which she likes. A couple of weeks trial sounds a good idea. Care homes are not prisons! If residents are able to venture out safely it will often be encouraged.
Many offer activities according to abilities and interests.

If its what she wants support her.My late MIL was keen to go into sheltered housing my sil kept telling her she wouldnt like it .
She stayed in her own home where she was lonely ,SIL also didn't want her to come to us and she didn't want to upset her daughter who "is highly strung" .
She had a stroke while on her own ,luckily her carer arrived just a half hour or so later ,we knew the time roughly because I''d been chatting to her on the phone .
Its very selfish of you to want her to stay by herself when she could have some company while she wants/needs it .
My MIL died ,I feel guilty that I didn't stand up to her selfish daughter and bring her to stay with us .Now that same daughter is refusing to go with her brother ,my OH to scatter MIl's ashes and says she's "not ready" .Its been 15 months which I think is quite disrespectful but her brother comes out with the usual " she's highly strung" nonsense .

Smileless2012

I'm confused by your post*gn38*. If your house is your marital home with your husband and you still reside there, you cannot be made to sell it in order to pay for your husband's care.

I was confused by that as well.

I'd assumed he chose to move (not forced), needs his half of home sale proceeds to pay for his place?

The OP mum is 92, may just want to sell and pay for care.

My dear 90 year old Mum is now in a nursing home, following an injury. The care is exemplary. I have sold her too large home. In my opinion Mum should have moved much earlier, so she could have taken advantage of all the social activities available to her, before she became bed bound. It’s such a lovely place xx

I'm confused by your post*gn38*. If your house is your marital home with your husband and you still reside there, you cannot be made to sell it in order to pay for your husband's care.

My mum asked to go in a care home when she was reasonably well . My sister insisted she move in with her . They didn't really get on , mum's dementia became unmanable , she went into a care home and really didn't settle well at all
A trial is a great idea. To choose while you are still able is a godsend . I think your mum is a wise woman

My mother wanted to go into a care home but she was way too young ad once in there not air of activities and went downhill very fast

Sadly I moved into a 'retirement flat for over 55's independant living ' when I returned to the UK ....HOWEVER there are now so many really elderly people moving in (relatives don't want them in a care home as then there would be no money left when they die, and also the possibility the relative would have to pay for the care home !!_ however, there are now so many people living here that are over 80 and having carers in ...this is not what these flats are for, but what can you do ?! there is NO care or social activity here and some elderly with no relatives are simply left on their own 24/7 which is hard when they can no longer go out ...things like day care are no longer available from social services and they are very lonely. There are also new blocks of retirement independent living apartments in our district which are over £400,000 to buy (owned but also leasehold) that do provide (for a fee of £700 plus, per month) plus other charges, maintenance, insurance, paying staff etc ...these charges do include the provision of a cleaner once a week, plus they have a restuarant and activities lounge ...nice for those who can afford it and are not ready for the care home ! but not many people have the sort of money that costs ! i e service charges around £3,000 a year (not including the £700 a month charges), also you have to pay your own council tax, insurance, electricity, etc ) and these are the CHEAPEST range for over 70's available in our area ...which is one of the cheapest areas in the UK ...........impossible !

This is a hard one, but I agree a trial stay would be a helpful way forward. My father really needed the support a care home could give him but didn’t want to be there. The staff were brilliant with him but he was very difficult and nasty, on occasion. It caused all sorts of problems because he really couldn’t stay at home even with carers. I would say, if MIL wants to be in a home then have a trial and see how it goes. It’s so much easier on everyone if the elderly person feels a care home is right for them. It’s a very stressful time for everyone.

Trying various options seems the way forward especially care villages or care homes where you can graduate to various levels of care. Care homes get a bad press. They do not all have poor standards. Those are the ones who make the news. Excellent care is not headline news. A dear friend who has recently passed away considered herself fortunate indeed to be cared for, fed well, entertained in a local home. Support your relative in finding what fits for her.

Cloudscape
At 92 yrs MIL has lived nearly a century! Time is running out for her, so while she is still of sound mind, relatively healthy, active and social she deserves to live her last years the way she wants. She is tired. She has earned it!

She still wants companionship since most or all of her friends have passed. She wants a new life on her terms, and without being a burden on you, (the way I’m reading your post.) That’s very telling and probably true! She needs to be rewarded and respected for that alone. God bless her. 🥰

God bless you too for helping in her transition.
USA Gundy

Aged 85 , not slagged

My DGM went into sheltered housing in the 1970s and loved it . The was alarms in each room and a warden who answered any calls for help . She also called each resident on the call system every morning to make sure they were ok .
The complex only had about 20 apartments. There was also a large communal lounge and a laundrette .
Once a month the warden put afternoon tea on for the residents and every week my DGM would bake scones and cakes and encouraged all the residents to come down to the lounge to buy a cup of tea and a cake and to play games .
She saved up the proceeds and at Christmas would put on a Christmas party for everyone including elderly people from nearby houses . She had a fabulous life there and remained there until she died 17 years later slagged 85 .
I think it could be perfect for you relative , mixing with new friends without leaving the building !

Although my mum was highly intelligent and capable right up until she died quite suddenly, it was the responsibility of owning her own home that she found most worrying. She had a great fear of high winds and storms and of losing tiles off the roof. She spent a fortune making sure it was secure, but she didn't sleep on bad nights. She hated having to worry about everything being in good working order. Worrying about getting her heating services. Worried when things broke or didn't work properly. She longed not to have that responsibility. Although she was a brilliant cook and did all her shopping online there were times when she didn't eat or have a drink because she just couldn't be bothered. She had a cleaner because she had always hated housework. She was active in her church which was round the corner. Certainly didn't need a carer or a paid visitor. But she said herself, she just wanted to be looked after and to not have to worry. She was contemplating sheltered accommodation but died before she could decide. Maybe your MiL is just tired of being independent and capable.

Care homes typically cost £1000 per week. I know your MIL probably is not concerned about cost, but does she realise that she will likely be self funding if she has no nursing care needs?
Worth pointing out to her...?

You sound very kind and thoughtful,maybe she has just had enough cooking,cleaning etc.& wants to get rid of most of her stuff now so no future worries.I worked with a lot of elderly people so many have hidden depths,a life time of knowledge &
very good company,your MIL will find who she likes when she moves,good luck.

If a care home is willing to take her, as she does sound far too healthy and capable for that to be an option, please give in gracefully.

It is her life. I am 20 years younger than your MIL, but I think I can see her point of view. At 92, no rational person, which she obviously is, can honestly believe that they are going to live much longer, can they?

We all tend to worry a litle or even a lot, as to whether we can make it to the end without too great a loss of dignity, to say nothing of illness and pain.

It sounds to me as if you MIL is tidying up. She sounds like the kind of person who has her will in order and instructions for her funeral written down, and that this is a step towards ensuring her own peace of mind if she is not one of the fortunate few who just go to bed one night and don't waken up again.

Please let her decide how she wants to live this last stage and try to find the courage to ask her what her wishes for the final stage of her life, whether it is long or short, are.

I think it's?really food the your MiL is looking into care homes usually the elderly don't accept that they need the help . Maybe she is lonely ? My mum was in a belong care home after a fall at the same age until she died 4 years later . She used to love chatting with the staff and knew all about their families and holidays . We were glad she had that time being care for and loved visiting her there .