Help with my mum

You sound like an amazing, caring daughter.. have you considered getting a wheelchair? I don't know if Age Uk or your GP could help with that. I imagine if she just went for little while outside and saw other people it might increase her interest in food and life in general and would make your visits better for you.. It's a lot to cope with on your own every day.
Fresh air and countryside can be very comforting..
I'm assuming that your GP has checked for depression..she might be grieving.. do the Palliative care team talk with her?

A wheelchair is a great idea Bellzy. Your mum will probably balk at the mere suggestion, I know my m.i.l. did but it made such a difference to her life, enabling her to get out and about again, we wished we'd suggested it earlier.

You're doing such an amazing job of caring for your mum so if coming here to have a moan helps, then moan away

Thank you both. We got her a powered wheelchair eayer this year, something that folds up small enough and is light enough for me to just about be able to get it in and out of my boot by myself. Mum literally cannot walk far enough to get anywhere without the wheelchair and the reason for getting it was so tgg he at she would have some autonomy when we’re out and about. Which we now never are.
Mum was desperate down around April time and her doc prescribed some anti-depressants. But she won’t take them (‘I’m not depressed!’), which is fair enough.
The community nurses started out every fortnight but quickly went in to a monthly visit. Tbh there’s not a lot of pro-activity and it tends to be me asking them and/or the doc for meds/alterations/tests etc.
I’ve arranged a hairdresser and a chiropodist every six weeks at home, Specsavers Home visits ( fab service!) as required. I asked her local minister if he/she does pastoral calls but got no reply. We’ve started physio though the local hospice and the latest thing is a referral to a dietician, whilst we wait for MRI results to see if we can finally get a diagnosis.
So, long story short, we have a rather fab wheelchair and even that doesn’t galvanise her.
But I’m grateful for the suggestion!

Aw, I do feel for you; you sound like you are doing your best for your Mum.

Many care homes have an out-patient visiting day, or adult day programs. Basically, they you up in an accessible vehicle, bring you to the care home for the day where you may play cards, do exercise etc, then bring you home. Your mum may benefit from something like this. It will give you a bit of a break and she will benefit from being more social.

Have a look around locally to see if there are any such programs available. It is hard being the sole social outlet for an elderly person.

Bellzy sorry for all you are coping with .With all the illnesses your mom has gone through in such a short time plus the grief she is feeling it's sounds like your mom sorry to say but she has had enough of living. You say she hasn't gotten dementia but she may be in the early stages of it triggered by ill health and grief.

I can only tell you about my mom I know it doesn't fit exactly with your mom. But when mom's dementia got bad she said she couldn't walk. She could but didn't want to. I was taking her to bed one night and she suddenly sat on the stairs and wouldn't move I asked why she said I have broken my leg . She hadn't but I couldn't get her to move. I had to phone my nephew to come and help me. When he came he said nan you need to get up and walk so she ok and did .

I think all your mom's gone through she just doesn't want to bother with anything. I suspect there is nothing wrong with her legs but she's had enough and sad to say but I think by not eating much and drinking she is hoping for her life to end. It's how it was with my mom . Only thing she would eat is porridge made with double cream and dark brown sugar but I had to spoon fed her because she wouldn't do it. She would only a few sips water and she refused to take her tablets. The doctor said don't force her she has decided it's her time.She was 90 when she died . She had cancer and dementia but mom didn't want to live anymore.

My dad was 80 when he died from a heart attack 10 years before. The lead up to his death he stopped eating and would only have a cup of tea once a day. He hadn't got any dementia but had enough of living . He hated the fact he was fail and hated the sight of his own body. 2 days before he died he told me I will die soon I can't stand being this and pointed to his chest this is not me. He died of a heart attack in his sleep 2 days later.
I still believe my dad decided to die so he did.

I know this doesn't fit with your mom but I firmly believe both my parents had enough of living and it's horrible to see them like it. But I still believe even with mom's dementia she willed herself to death and I know my dad did.

Sorry I can't be of comfort but only tell you of my experience.

Has your mom said she has had enough to anyone? If she has I suspect she has decided she wants to die. If that's the case all you can do is see her as much as you and has hard as it is the more you try and make her do things the more she won't. All you can do is sit and talk to her hold her and give her all the love you already are. She may not want to talk or just talk about when she was younger or when the rest of the family was younger .

Sorry I can't help more and only tell you my experience. But if your mom has decided enough nothing in the world will stop her willing herself to death. I know my dad did.

My mum(89) also went from fierce independence to being frail in the space of a few weeks. I'm fortunate that she has regained a lot of her mojo but it did take quite a while and hasn't been smooth. It can be very draining. Build up your own support network to help you with this.

4 hours a day is a huge amount of time - could you find help with the housework at least? Your mum might accept it if it was help for you rather than her.

There will be a carer's network near you wherever you are and I suggest that you find your local one - it will be a goldmine of information and support.

Some charities - Age Concern being one of them - have a bank of volunteers who pop in to chat with people who are alone. It might be worth finding out if you can access that.

As you say, who knows how it will pan out in the future. You are doing a huge amount to help her already and i take my hat off to you.

You are doing an amazing amount already Bellzy but how long can you live like this. Four hours every day what happens if you are unwell or want to take a holiday? Something has got to give as this is not fair on you. Surely if your mum still has mental capacity she can see that you can not keep this up, if I reach such a point in life I would not want my children to have to spend so much of their lives caring for me.

Aww Bellzy this sounds very hard for both of you. Your mum sounds depressed and not surprising really, it must be awful not to be able to walk, even if it’s only around your flat.
You spend a lot of of time with her, it can’t leave much time for anything else, are you able to visit with friends, shopping or just relaxing it’s important to take time for yourself. It may better better for her to see you have another life besides this one, she might become very dependent on you and who knows how long it’s going to go on.
There’s lots of help out there. My own mum at 92 was very resistant to carers and in all honesty she hasn’t a good word to say about them, but last time she was in hospital they wouldn’t let her come home without them, although she can walk, dress herself and make snacks.
I wonder if you had a social services assessment they’d be able to point you in the right direction as to what’s available in your area it does differ.
Also district nurses would be able to come talk to her see what was needed, I’ve just been offered this. My mum is the same though, very lonely and depressed. I visit every few days, I’m an only one, but also look after Grandchildren so my time is limited. Now she has signs of vascular dementia and things are becoming difficult. I’m finding the visits very waring, and depressing now, so only stay about an hour as I could scream by then.
Day centres as mentioned above, or volunteer callers either in person or on the phone might be an idea too. Good luck it’s not easy.

Bellzy should have said my mom lived with me the last 18 months of her life as I was being called to her house all hours of the night and day . I don't drive so had taxis it all got to much easily to look after her in my home. As I couldn't put my mom in a home. She was my mom. I knew I could look after her better than and strangers. I didn't have carers did it all myself even thought I'll myself. Even when mom got violent the last 4 months still couldn't put her in home. But I am proud of the fact when mom became bedridden she didn't have a sore on her body I made sure of that.