Mum in hospital

I sound a right moaning Minnie ! I’ve a lot to be thankful for two wonderful parents. A loving DH and family. The last six years have been difficult for mum, the hospital has had a revolving door, most of her visits have involved very long stays.
She’s a very strong lady to be still here, the Drs can’t believe it when they look through her history. Where there’s a will there’s a way.

Oh Katy, I do feel for you. You must do what is best, and I don’t just mean your mum, but also yourself. Look after yourself too.

Very true whiff, it’s not one size fits all, everyone’s family is different, everyone’s personality is different too.
It doesn’t mean you don’t care. Some people need to think before they speak.it’s very different when your actually faced with a situation. Shelfie you did exactly the right thing for your mum.
I know I couldn’t care for my mum at home I’m 66 now with my own problems. If money was no object and we had an annex it might be different.
I’ve been a carer now for 39 years. I’m an only one and my dad became disabled at 55 I was 27 with young children. I’m very worn down with it now. I could write two books !

Shelflife you did what you needed to for your young family. I lived alone my husband was dead and both the children where married. I don't regret having mom live with me. But my health suffered.

I would always tell people they have to what is right for them and their loved one.
It's horrible watching someone you love turn into someone you fear.

No one has the right to critise what you needed to do. Unless they have experience of a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer's no one understands. My own brother couldn't cope seeing our mom change. But he regretted not helping me and has since apologised and will always be their for me now. But to be honest it's to late. I have scars on my body from what my mom did. But it wasn't her it was the dementia.

Shelflife, I had similar comments when we finally found a CH for FIL, who’d been living with us. Dds were still at school, coming up to important exams, and FiL was up and down in the night, banging and shouting and demanding to go out at e.g. 3 a.m. - it simply wasn’t sustainable.
And TBH that was only a minor part of it.

From experience, those people who make such pious comments usually have zero experience of living with dementia, and are best ignored. I know how upsetting they are, though - they may not actually say you are selfish, callous and uncaring, but that’s what they mean.

I wouldn’t wish dementia on anyone, but I’ve often wished that such people’s eyes could be opened by experience.

I hope today your Mum is improving Katyj and hopefully full staffing will help you plan ahead for your Mum.
So many of us have been in a similar situation, take care of you too.

Shelflife

Thank you Callistemon I appreciate that. It was a very very difficult time. Finding the right nursing home was not an easy process, the one we chose was a bit dusty - but the care she received was second to none! Appropriate care is everything, she was fed well , was given regular drinks , taken to the loo very regularly, had outings and was surrounded with kindness. Sadly not all nursing homes are of the same standard.

Yes, the care of the staff is what is most important, never mind that it might be a bit dated and shabby.

That was probably the explanation for mum's confusion and unwellness Shes in the right place for the moment
although you won’t be able to help it, try not to dwell on the ‘Whats to happen next’ scenario
I do hope you don’t pick it up I had it a few weeks ago and now have to wait till December to get my jab
I hope your mum soon starts to improve and you stay well 💐

Sparklefizz Thank you. DH has been on a mission to find some paper masks, no luck. the hospital provide them on the ward, but I’d like some to use while walking around the hospital and in the lifts.
Just wish mum had been able to have her jab but the GP doesn’t provide it now, so I had to ring 119 and we’re on a waiting list.
Whatever next.

Hi KatyJ So sorry to hear what you and your Mum are going through.

I can't add any helpful advice but would just remind you that your Covid vax won't take full effect for a couple of weeks so wear a mask when visiting your Mum as she has already caught it. I'm sure you already know this.

Wishing you all the very best at a challenging time.

Thank you all so much. Dementia is a truly terrible thing, and those who haven’t had to deal with it are very lucky indeed.
Mum is very ill at the moment, she developed covid on Saturday. She is mostly sleeping thank goodness. We can still visit and she is still in a ward. She hasn’t had her latest covid jab yet and neither have I so I’m booked in for that tomorrow.
Your all amazing ladies and every one of you did your very best. I hope I can be half as good, I’m very tired and anxious about the future, if there is one. Time will tell. Thanks again.

Shelflife

Katyj, please look after yourself my mum lived with us for over three years . I was determined she would stay with us to the end. I had a wonderful Mum and we always had a good relationship. However my good intentions were not realized ,
after three years dementia took hold. My youngest child was 11 years old. My mum was awake and calling out every night!! I was absolutely exhausted and distressed with the responsibility of bathing her , dressing/ undressing her and the 24 hour care. A care home was found and I then began to get some control back into my life. I could visit whenever I wanted and importantly I could leave whenever I wanted! It was a very difficult decision but one I do not regret. My DH and my children deserved to have me back !! You must do what is right for you - don't listen to other people. One person said to me " why did you place your Mum in a care home , I could never do that" It took me a long time to recover from what she said , her comment hurt me. Take care and good luck 💐

People who say they could never put their Mum in a Care Home are idiots. I looked after my Mum in her own home Mon-Fri and she came to my house Fri afternoon - Sun night for 14 years but when she was unsafe and diagnosed with dementia I could not leave her like that. Then her mobility got really bad and she could not manage my stairs but she had a stairlift at home. My bathroom was not accessible to her either.

After looking at 14 homes I found a great one and they loved her too. She was very happy there for 3 years until she passed away. The care, room, staff, food was all 100%. I visited every other day and took her out in her wheelchair on fine days, sat in the courtyard gardens or took her for a drive.

People sometimes get confused when they are dehydrated. If other tests are normal maybe she needs to drink more.

Oh Katy, you poor thing. This is such a difficult time. I know as I have been through it all recently, as you know. The NHS must provide six weeks care after a hospital admission with a very elderly person. Insist on it, don’t let them fob you off. The care can be in a care home. Both my mother and my father in law benefited from this care in their last years. Mum ended up staying for three months, fully funded by the NHS. She then made the decision herself to live in a care home and we found another one for her which was absolutely beautiful, where she lived for her remaining months. If your mum can receive her six weeks care in a home, rather than at home with carers coming in, it will give you time to collect your thoughts and see how she gets on. Then the decision as to whether she will return home with carers, or whether she would be better being cared for full time can be made.

Thank you Callistemon I appreciate that. It was a very very difficult time. Finding the right nursing home was not an easy process, the one we chose was a bit dusty - but the care she received was second to none! Appropriate care is everything, she was fed well , was given regular drinks , taken to the loo very regularly, had outings and was surrounded with kindness. Sadly not all nursing homes are of the same standard.

You did the right thing, Shelflife, for all of you.

Katyj insist the NHS should arrange some nursing care in a "convalescent" home for her - but do make sure they realise she cannot come home as she is so confused and presumably not eating. She could be dehydrated too.

Hospitals are fine for getting a patient better and sending them home asap but she needs more care than that.

Katyj, please look after yourself my mum lived with us for over three years . I was determined she would stay with us to the end. I had a wonderful Mum and we always had a good relationship. However my good intentions were not realized ,
after three years dementia took hold. My youngest child was 11 years old. My mum was awake and calling out every night!! I was absolutely exhausted and distressed with the responsibility of bathing her , dressing/ undressing her and the 24 hour care. A care home was found and I then began to get some control back into my life. I could visit whenever I wanted and importantly I could leave whenever I wanted! It was a very difficult decision but one I do not regret. My DH and my children deserved to have me back !! You must do what is right for you - don't listen to other people. One person said to me " why did you place your Mum in a care home , I could never do that" It took me a long time to recover from what she said , her comment hurt me. Take care and good luck 💐

Katyj did they test your mom for a UTI or kidney infection? My mom always got more confused when she had one.
Mom lived with me the 18 months of her life. She had cancer and dementia . Due to osteoporosis she was only 4' 10" and weighed 6st. She only wanted breakfast and dinner but did have tea and biscuits for lunch . Mom's dementia turned her violent the last 4 months of her life. But dementia and Alzheimer's violent is through fear. Mom didn't know who I was ,who she was or where. Mom thought I was her mom . She was very tired and stayed in bed for those last months. It was very hard looking after mom on my own but I couldn't put her into a home . Every morning I hoped she had died in her sleep . I know this sounds wicked but my mom would have hated what she became. As neither my parents had laid a hand on me my whole life..

Mom would go to sleep and I never knew if she was going to attack me or not. I am proud of the fact my mom never had a sore on her body I made sure to protect her skin.

Even though dementia killed my mom long before her body died. She never wet or soiled herself. She wanted to wear a pad but it was only like a thick Tena lady. She always told me when she needed the commode.

You are in a difficult situation but the choice is yours where your mom goes.

I choose to look after my mom myself. She was 90 when she died in 2017. But I didn't realised what it cost me healthwise. I was born disabled and with a hole in my heart. But didn't get my diagnosis for my rare hereditary neurological condition which effects my limbs until last year and didn't know about my heart until 2020. But on medication for both since.

But a couple of weeks after mom's funeral . I started to feel very ill . Thought a life of caring for others had taken its toll. Didn't realise I had jaundice caused by some tablets I had been taking since 1992. Ended up on an acute ward at the hospital . Luckily only in for 5 days. But seriously ill for 5 months.

I didn't want you to thing I was fit and healthy when I looked after mom. I was widowed in 2004 aged 45 my husband was 47. Nursed my dad with my mom he died in 2007 aged 80..Then still had my mom and mother in law depandant on me . MIL died in 2015 aged 91.

But you must do what is best for you and your mom . I am now 65.

Hi yes BlueBelle she’s 92. No sign of any infection it’s all a bit of puzzle, she was confused before but nothing like this. She didn’t think to use her emergency alarm either which is worrying.
Think I’ll start investigating, see if a care home could take her for a few weeks, although it’ll probably be expensive, but I don’t think I’d need to pay her carers so it might be okay. Thanks

Perhaps you could use the word convalescence which might sound acceptable to her.

Depending how tall she is KatyJ older people (I think your mum was 90ish wasn’t she) will get smaller both height wise and body cover especially if she’s sleeping a lot and eating a small diet my 87 yr old friend is tiny now and used to be only a bit smaller than me
How about offering mum a week or fortnight in a care home you can easily pretend it’s the hospitals policy to make sure she’s alright to be at home, it could work and she could like it or she could be like my friend who took her self home after two days ! Call it rest and recuperation or something don’t call it a care home
Has she been checked for urine infection something raised her bp and caused the confusion she must have felt bad to go to a neighbours at night time
Hope you get some answers but doubt you will before Monday at earliest