Best interest meeting

My sister and I had a similar situation to deal with. Mum had lived with me and my DH for about 4 years , ended up in hospital and we had meetings about her future. It was decided a care home was the best option. She was becoming confused and calling me throughout each night , my youngest child was 10 years old and life was becoming very difficult - I was exhausted. Of course each case is very different , but a care home was the correct decision for us. Me and my siblings had POA and if you can I urge you to do the same ! It made life so much easier. However your Mum must be deemed capable of understanding the process and of course giving her permission. My Mum was 92 when she died and I miss her every day! Your Mum may manage at home - but for how long? All I can suggest is follow your instinct , you know her so much better than anyone else. Do what you feel is in her best interest, don't be pushed into placing her in a care home if you feel she is not ready. I am sorry because I know how hard it is ! I wish you and your Mum well 💐

In hospital the doctor said to me " there is really nothing wrong with your Mum , she is just wearing out"
How right he was, she was confused at times but never diognosed with Demi.

Dementia - sorry !

Who would look after her if she returns home KatyJ and what if this situation happens again?
I’d be looking at the wider implications for your family in the future as well as what’s best for your Mum.

Shelflife. Thank you. I have to apply to be an appointee for her benefits maybe that’s because I don’t have POA. Apparently even though mum is refusing a care home the SW can make a decision for her, unless I haven’t heard correctly, she was difficult to understand as she had a strong accent.
Mum definitely needs 24 hour care now these last three months she has deteriorated, and been going outside knocking on neighbours doors for help instead of ringing me or pressing her alarm. She’s housebound and isn’t supposed to be out, because of fluctuating bp. How she hasn’t fallen again I’ll never know.

Jaxjacky She has carers four times a day, but there’s no one there from 6.30 pm until 7.30 am and that seems to be the time she needs help. I can’t relax and I’m sleeping really badly wondering what she’s doing it’s an awful time.

Katyj my Mum went straight from hospital to a care home, we and the hospital knew she was unsafe to return, after a week she’d settled and so could we knowing she was safe.
I’d start researching local homes now just in case, do not let her be discharged into any old place, you have a voice.

Jaxjacky Thank you. Oh I so wish this happens for us. 🤞 I’ve done a bit of research, but I’m not sure if they need to stay within their own postcode. We live seven mile away different city and would prefer her to be nearer us and the grandchildren.

If a care home is needed, don't ever feel guilty! If the home does not meet the standards you expect move her. We moved Mum 3 times, against the advice of the nursing homes ! The last one was a bit dusty but the care was first class! If she is paced in a care home you have not given up being her carer you can still oversee what is happening. I felt to have regained some power, I could visit at my convenience ,stay a longish time if she was receptive or stay 10 minutes if she was not ! Reading between the lines I think you know what to do . I know exactly how you are feeling and I am thinking about you.

Sounds like the SW has already assessed capacity and deemed your mum to lack capacity around making a decision around this....a best interests decision can only be made in these circumstances ....it will becfairly informal...but the SW will chair....everyone will be given an opportunity to express their views ....sounds like POA is too late to get now ....have a little Google around mental capacity act 2005/ best interest decisions ....hope it all works out

A care home near you is probably the best option. Good luck .

I agree with Shelflife .You really need to get Power of Attorney a.s.a.p. so you can look after your mother's affairs and act on her behalf

As I understand it, a POA has to be applied for by the "donor" i.e. your mum, when that person has full cognitive capacity.
Has that time passed now?

Only your mum can get Power of Attorney, which she will not be able to do if she has not capacity. The alternative is for the court to appoint someone ( you, presumably) to make decisions on her behalf,,and this can take some time.
I’m sure you’ll find that the best interests meeting will be just that, so that mum’s best interests ( and yours) are paramount.

Hi Yes I think it may be too late for POA although mum does not have a formal dementia diagnosis, I don’t think she’d sign anything at the moment for fear of signing herself into a care home.
We have a joint bank account, all her benefits go in there and I pay everything from it, including carers. I wasn’t aware I needed to be an appointee.

Regarding placement, a lot does depend on your mum’s personal circumstances. If your mum has assets and/or owns her house, and is therefore going to pay for herself if she goes into a care home you can obviously choose a home which is outside the area where she currently lives. Her Local Authority will only pay for her placement if she has assets worth below a set amount, and if they are paying would be likely to stipulate that she is placed in a home within the boundaries of that Local Authority.

Thank you casdon I wasn’t sure how it worked. This is a big learning curve.

Casdon

Regarding placement, a lot does depend on your mum’s personal circumstances. If your mum has assets and/or owns her house, and is therefore going to pay for herself if she goes into a care home you can obviously choose a home which is outside the area where she currently lives. Her Local Authority will only pay for her placement if she has assets worth below a set amount, and if they are paying would be likely to stipulate that she is placed in a home within the boundaries of that Local Authority.

I was going to say exactly this!

If you get time before the meeting have a google and see what homes are like in your area. You can also ask people you know.

Social workers will suggest anywhere that has a place available and I know several people who have been shocked at the state of some of these places and have removed their loved ones straight away. If they suggest anywhere with a bad reputation just say No.

If your Mum has money and can fund herself she has a lot more choice. The Best Interests meeting is really them just saying your Mum’s time is up and they need the bed. After 3 weeks in hospital my Mum was still not well enough to go home and I told them I wasn’t having my Mum sent to unsuitable places. After telling me there was nowhere, I pushed and got her into a very small NHS rehab place for a further 6 weeks which was excellent. She was very happy there. During those weeks I visited 14 care homes.

Hope all goes well.

Primrose53 Thank you. Mum won’t be able to self fund she has very little. I’m worried about getting the right place for her, she’s always had a lovely home and is spotlessly clean, even now.
Over the last four years she has had lengthy stays in three different rehabilitation hubs, they have all been quite new buildings with lovely room etc but she’s hated every one, and had lots of arguments with the staff. The night care especially in those places seemed hit and miss.
I’ll do my very best for her, I always have fought her corner. But I’ve a terrible feeling of dread, it’s not going to be easy.

It’s perfectly reasonable to stress the need for a care home within reasonable distance of your own home. It’s in your mums best interests and yours. We’ve supported friends through this process and yes, it’s hard going but ultimately was best for everyone. If your mum isn’t going to be safe in her own home then a care home is hard to avoid.

Age U.K. is a good starting point for advice. This is their starter information, sorry it’s a long link which I hope works. .

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/arranging-care/care-homes/help-finding-care-home/

It’s absolutely fine not to agree to a specific home until you have visited. Say no to any which are unsuitable. In the meantime, if you can and there is time, an internet search for homes taking SSD funded people is a good beginning. Phone and ask if there is space, if not what is the waiting list, visit if you can and go to the meeting armed with the outcome of your research.

It is such a hard time but your Mum does need to be safe. Of course we’d all prefer our own homes, sometimes, sadly, they aren’t the best for us.

Thank you corner gran. I’ve had a look at the link very helpful. I’m going to make some notes to take with me. My head is such a muddle I keep forgetting things.