Care home ringing

I’m sure you mean well tyer2323 and I believe you are a new poster (?), but had you checked the date of the original post, then read through the thread - you’ll have seen it’s AN OLD THREAD and sadly THE PERSON REFERRED TO HAS DIED!

I know it’s an old thread revived but just to say that care homes only ring if they think it’s necessary.Relatives have to be kept in the loop and could be upset or angry if they weren’t told there was a problem, especially health related.Sometimes dementia residents can be soothed by a phone call from a familiar voice.

"That's a great point! It’s amazing how supportive partners can be in these situations, especially when helping family members. It really highlights the importance of mutual understanding and communication in a relationship. Like you mentioned, sometimes it’s about getting used to it and being there when needed, even if it’s not always convenient. Your DH’s willingness to help and offer support shows how much he values family and the effort you’re putting in. It’s wonderful when partners step up like that!"

How on earth did I not notice. I am usually quite sharp! 🤣

Another case of an old thread revived- why?

I was going to comment about my experiences then realised the OPs parent had since passed away.

Georgesgran

Just a question (not a criticism) but why would you not have gone without your DH and why would that be unfair for him?
Perhaps it’s a long way and you don’t drive?
My DH just had to get used to me heading out at odd hours to help my Dad, although he was in his own home, just a few miles away.

Same for me Georgesgran. I never needed to ask my DH. He loved my mother like his own and would always offer.

In the end, we only got calls if my motherwas particularly unwell, otherwise we would be getting them daily.

Why revive this thread -*tyer2323*??
Especially as the OP’s Mum died months ago!!!!

I'm so sorry you're going through this—it sounds like such a tough situation. It's unfortunately common for people with dementia or other cognitive issues to experience confusion and develop false beliefs, which can be really distressing for both them and their families. It might help to discuss this situation with her healthcare team and see if they can provide strategies to help calm her and reassure her when she gets upset. They might also consider adjusting her care plan to address these emotional needs more effectively.

In addition, it's important to communicate with the care home about how they can manage these situations better, especially during the night. If you're feeling uncertain about how things are being handled, don't hesitate to ask for more detailed updates and even seek additional support for your mum’s emotional well-being. I hope things improve soon for both you and your mum. Take care of yourself too—this can be very taxing on your own mental health.

No worries.

I hadn't realised this was an old thread, revived.

Thank you for your comments. Dementia is a very complex illness, and I had no previous experience of it at all.
Sadly mum passed away in June this year, she took herself off to bed one afternoon, unusual for her, and never woke up properly again, she spent the last 8 days in what the Dr called hypodelerium, I’d never heard of it, but at least she had a peaceful end.
I started this thread in March. Shortly after then, her delerium stories changed from being in a brothel, to the care home staff taking her to a very nice hotel by the sea, she loved it ! and used to say it looked remarkably similar to the care home but there was dancing and a bar. Bless her she loved dancing.

Giving reassurance is a complete waste of time. I learnt that very quickly when I was responsible for an aunt and uncle, both with dementia.

Katyj You should do, as Witzend recommends and go with the fantasy. I never dealt with worries like the ones your mother has had, but my uncle became obsessed with the idea that had an appointment to see his bank manager and he hadn't been able to cancell it. For several weeks I just reassured him, without effect. In the end I just said 'Oh, its alright, I have spoken to the manager and the appointment is cancelled and I said you would make a new appointmnet when you returned home'. 'Oh', said my uncle,' thats alright then'. And the subject was never mentioned again.

I would add, just because your mothe does not have a diagnosis of dementia doesn't mean she hasn't got dementia. As I said, bith my aunt and uncle clearly had dementia, but only my uncle ever had a formal diagnosis. I did find with my aunt that her irrational fears, did get darker and more frequent as the dementia developed.

What your mum is saying is quite likely true. There probably are men (and women) getting into each others beds. This happens with dementia residents. They are probably going in and out each others rooms and en-suites. It happens a lot apparently. I know my dad has wandered into his neighbours room often confused thinking it’s his own. Or dad has had ladies wander into his room. Dad gets confused thinking they are staff. And if they say something inappropriate to him (due to dementia) he thinks they are staff being emotionally abusive or uncaring. A lady with dementia has tapped my dad (rather firmly) on his back and said well done for letting her pass him as he was slow walking with his Walker and he shouted out “that was an actual hit”. Sadly his ability to process the reasoning for what is actually happening is lost. Your mum will be partly correct. She’s just interpreting it wrongly.

Shelflife. Thank you. I’m doing okay I think. It’s not for the faint hearted is it. There’s always something to sort out, not what I expected to be honest.
The state of care in this country is sadly lacking, and only going to get worse unfortunately.

Twig14, that’s terrible, I’m so sorry! I’d certainly be making a few stinks about it.

Re the ‘distressing imaginings’ I well remember my mother telling me that ‘They kill people here!’ (in her care home).
It was just the latest in a long line of things where she’d put two and two together and made 148.

Since she was a ‘wanderer’, up and down a lot, inc. at night, I have no doubt that at some very late hour she’d seen undertakers trying discreetly to remove a resident who’d died, in one of those black body bags.

It was never any earthly use telling her it was all in her head - I could only resort to my usual ‘love lie’ of telling her the police knew, and they were On To Them! Which, thank goodness, would usually pacify her, at least for the moment.

These imaginings weren’t down to infections as far as I know - they’d been a feature of her dementia for some years - including, while she was still at home, telling me there were polar bears raging about upstairs! Luckily I was with her at the time, so could go and check ‘that they’ve all gone now!’

KatyJ , do hope you are ok and your Mum has settled a little. As I mentioned in my earlier post I have been there and recognize your distress. When the NH called in the night I went as often as possible but not every time. On one occasion my Mum said " get me out of here there are some very unsavory people here"
I am thinking of you it is a horrid situation for you and your Mum .💐

To be truthful, you pay the care home a lot of money to take care of your mum and they should not be ringing you in the middle of the night to do the job that they are being paid to do and if they cannot manage one of their residents then they are not fit for purpose. If they feel there is a need to speak to you then they should wait until the following day.

Twigg I can only imagine how horrible this is for you and your mum. As you say to move her now wouldn’t help her and I hope that the investigation results in more stability safely and Care for all residents in the home.

Please look after yourself too. Your emotions will be all over the place.

Thank you KatyJ and Granniesunite. I have been to see my mother today and she reenacted the attack to me again it’s obviously had a massive impact on her. The care home had an inspection last year and the report that followed was quite frankly awful. I would have removed my mother but at her great age it would have been too traumatic. I just visit frequently. The CQC who red flagged everything right across the board are inspecting again next week. This attack won’t have helped and like you have mentioned this man shoujd hsve had one to one security from the start but they left it and this is the result. I actually cried when I went in the morning it had happened I took photographs but they are shocking and upset me when I look at them. Very grateful for your comments.

One on one care should have been given to the man when he was moved from the high dependency unit. He was there for a reason!The care home were wrong imo in not providing that support sooner.

This is awfully sad and I’m sorry that your mum has been exposed to such an ordeal and hurt.

I’d be having strong words with the management of the home.

Twig14 I am so sorry this has happened your poor mum. Safegaurding should have been informed by the home, they then will instigate an enquiry and the police will be called and a full investigation should take place. This is what happened to my mum a couple of months back, although the assault was from one of the carers.
She was suspended then sacked. I’ve just come back from visiting my mum, she’s just told me the lady that stays in the room opposite to her came into her room last night with her fists up. Mum 92 is feisty so did the same to her. She’s taken to closing her door and putting her walker behind it.
I’ve told all the staff there today, they did say they knew about it so hopefully it won’t happen again 🤞
I really wish your mum a quick recovery it’s a lot to go through at her age and should never have happened. Your right a care home should mean just that.

I took a call at 8.am Monday morning from my mother’s care home. I was informed she had been attacked by a male resident. The attacker entered her room n began hitting her while she was in bed with his stick. Her arm is a mess and she obviously tried to defend herself from him hitting her head. The resident has a history of violence but due to cost cutting the high dependency dementia unit this man was in was amalgamated with my mothers elderly residents unit. A situation waiting to happen. My mother is almost 104 years old. I’m told due to this man’s mental capacity even though the home phoned the police they didn’t visit. I have phoned them and now have a crime number. It’s such a worry and a CARE home should mean care. I’m aware this resident won’t be charged and he’s now been given 24hr round the clock support but meantime my mother will see this resident as he will be walking about. The fact that they have had to give him one to one support says it all. Including in the attack a male carer was hurt and had to attend hospital. He also hurt another carer and they have all told me they just couldn’t control him. Any thoughts or help would be appreciated Finally had a very elderly person been attacked outside in the street or road then it would have been a different story

sodapop

Saggi

My husband is in a home with same things…vascular dementia AND Alzheimers…I often have to go quieten him at night ….i live alone now and no car and cannot afford taxis ….so I walk the 2 miles there and back ( sometimes In dark) ….my question is why would you NOT include your husband at this horrible time. Not a criticism …just a question.

That is wrong on so many levels Saggi not least the danger to you walking alone at night. The Care Home is taking the easy way out in putting the onus on you instead of training their staff to deal with these situations. If anything were to happen to you who would then speak up for your husband and ensure he had the care he needed. I understand you love your husband and do not want him to be distressed etc but maybe you should take a more long term view. Please don't put yourself in danger like this.

This 100% 👍

Saggi I’m sorry you’re in this awful position with your poor husband. But as sodapop said you have to look after yourself too. I’m sure your husband wouldn’t want you walking about during the night.
I explained above why I didn’t ask my DH to take me to the care home. I know he would have, he’s helped out 100s of times over the last 40 years.

Saggi

My husband is in a home with same things…vascular dementia AND Alzheimers…I often have to go quieten him at night ….i live alone now and no car and cannot afford taxis ….so I walk the 2 miles there and back ( sometimes In dark) ….my question is why would you NOT include your husband at this horrible time. Not a criticism …just a question.

That is wrong on so many levels Saggi not least the danger to you walking alone at night. The Care Home is taking the easy way out in putting the onus on you instead of training their staff to deal with these situations. If anything were to happen to you who would then speak up for your husband and ensure he had the care he needed. I understand you love your husband and do not want him to be distressed etc but maybe you should take a more long term view. Please don't put yourself in danger like this.