Husband lack of mobility and dignity

Does he listen to anyone else? The doctor? A son or sister maybe?

Is it just you?

I would make him sit outside to smoke and tell him that it’s very unfair to inflict passive smoking on yourself. Make him understand if you get ill, he has nobody to help him. Tough love! 😉

I would think it is frustration that makes him behave that way. You will have to talk to him about his behaviour and the fact that you will be unable to care for him if he cannot help himself in some way,the thought of having carers in or going into a care home may change him or it could be that he has given up and is just waiting for the end.

I am sorry that you find yourself living like this , nobody thinks about what in sickness and in health actually means.

Please contact you local Social Services department and ask for a Carer's Assessment. If there are any problems with that, ask at the GP surgery for a contact so that your's and your DH's needs can be assessed. Even in the current climate, just being able to talk to someone about it can be a help.
It is also possible that he may beed a community Nurse assessment which can be arrnged through the GP.
I hope you get some help.

Thank you for your replies. He takes no notice of doctors or family advice. Good advice about getting an assessment.

All I can suggest is get more help for him ( and you) there are lots of charities that offer people to help have you thought of one day a week at a day centre does he have a social worker because they should be putting you in touch with other things

He’s probably very sad frustrated and given up

Needing to wee constantly is horrible too can they see about a catheter many people live very well with a catheter

I feel sorry for you but for him too, he must be living a bit of a hell not able to do much and I m not surprised he doesn’t want to give up smoking (and that’s coming from someone who hates smoking)

I think the only answer is seek whatever help you can muster so you can get a life outside the home family, friends, neighbours anyone who will offer you an hour or twos respite

But talk to your doctor or social worker about all these ‘downs’ there is help out there you just need to find it

Already some good advice although I am surprised that your GP hasn't suggested a Social Services assessment - maybe that isn't a thing in you area?
I would also be worried that the combination of him smoking and his poor mobility might cause a fire.

Thank you for all your replies. It is very difficult to live with someone that whose needs are many daily. He smokes in his bedroom and burnt the carpet, burns in the car. Luckily I have children who are sympathetic.

This sounds very exhausting for you Carenza. I would ask for an immediate assessment of both his and your needs from your GP,, and I would look on line and see if there are any charities offering respite care in your area so that you could have a break. I would also see if your children could house sit for him.. and I would certainly ask him to only smoke outdoors, though I think that may be difficult and I can understand why he wishes to continue smoking,, Perhaps your children could find some activities that he would enjoy...

Carenza123. Such a very difficult situation for you, and made more so because of your husband’s lack of understanding, which is due to his frustration and lack of mobility etc. Don’t hesitate in arranging for an assessment of both your needs. Some respite from the demands is crucial for you to continue caring for him. Make the phone call tomorrow. 💐

Primrose this was harsh from you. A couple develop balance of power over the years and if this hadn’t occurred by now then how on earth could she issue these orders when he is weak ill and and such a low ebb.

I agree with the others who advise an assessment. I would also see if you could get him back to the GP re the need to wee constantly, it could be infection/not emptying the bladder fully etc and there is medication available to help. Also the painful legs at night, there could be something to help.

As to the smoking, that is a difficult one, as he will be addicted to nicotine and also perhaps it is something he has retained control of and the more people try and persuade him to stop, the more adamant he becomes to continue :/ would he consider a vape? i'd buy one 'in case he runs out of cigarettes' ;)

Good luck xxx

Your GP should be sending him for further tests, Carenza
The shuffling and lack of control of his urine sound as if they need further investigation.

I'm sorry you are struggling but you need to be firm about getting him to see the GP, with you there too.

Good luck.

Carenza, I’m so sorry to hear that you are both going through this.

I agree with others that you need to approach the gp for assessment. The gp should be thinking about referrals for diagnosis as well as referrals for help for you.

I hope that you get the help that you need soon.