Son addicted to cocaine

I hope Buttonjugs has resolved the situation. Only an addict can change things, you are enabling him, which isn't helping. An addict would sell anything and anyone to feed their addiction. That's a hard truth.

Instead of telling him that if he doesn’t pay you on Thursday he will have to move out, you could say that if he doesn't want to pay you on Thursday, then you will assume he doesn't want to rent the room anymore and you will rent it to someone else to help make ends meet.

Thanks for all the replies. He has been fobbing me off, saying the money is coming etc I know this isn’t true, he said he was going to pay me today and he hasn’t come home from work so he is probably with his girlfriend avoiding me. I am going to tell him that if he doesn’t pay me on Thursday (he gets paid weekly on a Thursday) he will have to move out. I am so disappointed in him because he had so much but doesn’t appreciate it. He has somehow held down two jobs throughout all this. That’s good because his older brother used to be in a job and leave when he was in the throes of addiction. He hasn’t come home tonight son I will speak to him tomorrow.

BlueBelle

The last time you posted, your son who you had at 15 without knowing who his father was, was addicted to heroin has he changed his drug preference ?

No, sadly that was my eldest son. Which makes me feel even worse. I keep asking myself what I did wrong. I have made mistakes but always been supportive.

Tell him that he will need to take a blood test to prove he isn't using drugs. Get that scheduled. If he doesn't do it, pack his bags and report his eviction to the council. If he is clean (by blood test results), he needs to pay you on time without you asking. If he doesn't pay on time HE is choosing to move out.

as you've posted before and your problems are still very much there I think you need to find some support from another place.

I feel sorry for you because You know that if anyone else told you a story such as yours you would tell them exactly what to do!.
.Very different when in it yourself ! I know this because have had an adult grandchild with me for a time and it wasn't easy. moved on now thankfully1

If he is still using then you are enabling it by not insisting he pays rent, tell him to pay or leave.

Think of your other son, I am sure he doesn’t need this in his life.

BlueBelle

The last time you posted, your son who you had at 15 without knowing who his father was, was addicted to heroin has he changed his drug preference ?

I had no idea your problems were so extensive. It seems you have a 43 year old son who is a heroin addict, a 37 year old son who is a cocaine addict, and a third son who is autistic.

I'm not sure it's a good idea to post such extensive and personal family details on a public site. You have posted before with lots of detailed information about your family problems. You could easily be identified from all the things you have written, and this could affect your other family members.

I have experience with alcohol addiction through a close family member who brought financial and emotional ruin on those closest to him. I can absolutely assure you that no amount of pleading, nagging, shouting, crying or begging will help your son. He has to hit rock bottom before he has the slightest inclination to change.

This may sound harsh but you are effectively enabling him to continue with his drug habit and feckless lifestyle. What incentive is there for him to reform? None.

Your first priority is you because your disabled son relies on your care and the roof over his head. Your addict son will care only for his own inconvenience if your home and health are lost. He will not share the crippling guilt you have carried around for years.

Tell him to make preparations to leave (and mean it) and please do not be swayed by empty promises or lies.

Please take stock, you cannot be everything to everyone.

Sit your son down and tell him he needs to attend rehab, pay you your money or leave.

Concentrate on yourself and your grandchildren.

I'm so sorry to hear your story but first and foremost you are not responsible for your son's addiction. You have done the best you can and he needs to decide to change his life. Addiction is difficult to deal with and almost certainly the son you see now is not the same as he would be in recovery. Sadly he may not have hit rock bottom and to some extent you are enabling him to continue using.

Does he have a mental health problem? Drugs and alcohol are often used to self medicate. Tbh I would ask him to leave, make it clear that you cannot support his drug taking and you cannot have him in the house with his children whilst he is using as it's not safe for them. Look up your local drug and alcohol services and tell him to start using them and when he's clean you will restart your relationship with him.

Sometimes but not always addicts need a strong push to take responsibility for their addiction. Also get support for yourself it's really tough dealing with addiction in the family and there is help for you available, your GP should be able to point you in the right direction. Good luck I hope he is able to turn his life around but please look after yourself and your son . This is not your fault.

I don’t think she has a 15 year old Allsorts ?

What a mess, which version is the truth? I feel sorry for the son who is Autistic. You can’t reason with an addict, your elder son, has to want to change, whatever story is right, however wrong you were in the past, you can’t make it alter it now, the priority has to be the well being of the fifteen year old or you will be looking back at why he is messed up too because you let him down.

The last time you posted, your son who you had at 15 without knowing who his father was, was addicted to heroin has he changed his drug preference ?

Buttonjugs you have asked about this before I remember your story
I don’t think you will get any different advice as to that you were given before you had a lot of advice and help

Oh Buttonjugs my heart goes out to you what a horrid situation. Firstly please stop feeling guilty you have done everything you possibly could to make up for those lost years. He is an adult now and is abusing your kindness. You must give him notice to leave and let the local authorities re home him or he can find a private rent. You need to focus on your needs and your other son’s needs. He may not like the idea of moving on but letting him stay is no good for anyone as it enables him to continue the life he is leading and adding stress and money worries to your life. You have done the best you could and are being taken advantage of . Stop the guilt and send him packing.

If you evict him he becomes the responsibility of the Local Authority who will put him in a B&B if he is lucky. Remind him of this. If he still does not pay up kick him out. Otherwise you will never be rid of him. You are enabling his inability to stand on his own feet and be an adult.

he needs to growup.millions of people have dealt with broken families most deal fine.

Your son is 37 and is a father to two children, he is taking advantage of you by playing on the fact you feel guilty for what his father did over twenty years ago.

Goodness me, your son really has taken huge advantage of your kind nature. I think you have described your situation very clearly, it must have taken ages to put all that together, but it does give a clear picture of your setup.

What comes across very clearly is the high level of guilt you are carrying like a huge heavy fur coat, but this really needs to be taken off. It was many years ago and you have done more than enough to help your son since then. If you can't bring yourself to shed this load then you need to see a counsellor for help in doing this. It's very clear you have nothing to feel guilty about now. Your son is a grown man and should take responsibility for his own actions, but he cannot do this while you are wrapping him in cotton wool and protecting him from the consequences of his mistakes.

You definitely need to get him out of your house. Your concern for your own health can be used to your advantage Play the guilt card on him and tell him that the situation is making you feel ill. Tell him you can't cope with this any longer and how would he feel if you pegged out as a result of his behaviour? Don't feel guilty, just do what needs to be done to save yourself. It's time he sorted his own life out and let you have a life of your own.

Oh Buttonjugs - what an awful situation for you. Don’t feel guilty. Easy for me to say, because I too feel guilty about a lot of things. After my divorce, I started to charge my 2 AC who were living with me. I was not working and had no income, until the Courts ordered my ex-husband to pay me alimony. So I felt no guilt at asking for payment.
Your situation is so much worse. You cannot just let him get away with it. I don’t how you can change the situation except by being tough on him..I have no idea how the system works. You say you have an autistic child. Does he have a social worker? Can you speak to him/her? I really do feel for you. I hope someone will come along with more practical answers. Good luck !,