How to persuade my elderly mother about going in to a care home

Grammaretto

If she hates the idea, is there no alternative?
If someone is unhappy they will go downhill very quickly.

We tried mum in a home for respite care as all 3 of us were on holiday at the same time, and she liked the idea.

When we visited after a couple of weeks, she didn't recognise us at first and seemed traumatised. They were short staffed and no-one was nearby to be company for her. Neither nurses nor residents.
She was very relieved to get home, surrounded by her own things. She had carers 2 or 3 times a day.
She begged us never to leave her in a home again. So we didn't.
She lived a few more years and didn't have to go to a home or hospital.

Yes I would say don’t do it. I wouldn’t want it done to me. Employ private CRB (now DBS) checked support for her in her home if needed.

Trick her into thinking she has mice? What an awful suggestion!

BlueBelle

Oh goodness I d rather fall down the stairs and die than be palmed off to an old people’s home so I m your mum in a few years time
It’s a real hard one for you I do understand but the sneakiness of putting rice down and saying it’s mice is horrible and so dishonest I find that really nasty
Care homes are incredibly expensive Thousands a week and sometimes the care isn’t as you would like only on the surface

I would encourage at least a cleaner and perhaps a day club once or twice a week to start with again they are expensive but the elderly seem to really enjoy the one near me and it has lots of entertainment and company

Don’t take her away from her precious house and even more precious garden that’s her life

I'm inclined to agree with Bluebelle.
Put a pillow over my head please.

Do see if you can persuade her to have a cleaner; I'm reluctant but I know the time has come when we've got to think about it as cleaning is a struggle now. We also have help with the garden now.

Mind you, years ago we had a neighbour whose son arranged a gardener and cleaner for her (he paid I think) but she gave them the sack 😁. It wasn't until she had a fall in the night that she agreed to go into a care home but I don't think she lived for much longer.

Taking her to visit her friend might help her realise that some care homes might be good, but don't make her think that she's got mice when she hasn't. That's unkind.

Anniebach is absolutely right care homes are not just for older people. Care and respite are often needed for people with long term and life threatening conditions regardless of age. A lot of good advice on here as always. Perhaps as has been said see initially what care can be offered at home before thinking about care homes especially if your Mother is happy living there. With some help it should be possible to maintain her in the home she knows and loves.

Hopefully you can give a choice , we all prefer a choice

You need to talk to her and persuade her that the alternative to accepting help will be a care home. Get someone in twice a week at first, then a gardener to do the heavy lifting outside. I'd keep her at home for as long as possible.

PeterBrown45

In no case, if a person is comfortable where they are, why somehow trick or force them to be evicted? Provide them with normal care and company and everything will be fine. She raised you and when it was difficult, why didn't she give you to an orphanage? It seems to me that in this situation it is a complete betrayal and an attempt to get rid of the person as a problem... I would NOT want to have such ungrateful children in my old age...

In most circumstances it's a case of keeping the person safe. The repercussions of not doing so don't bear thinking about. Obviously your charm is equal to your experience.

I advised my Mum , she was having a little holiday and a rest.
She hated being on her own and enjoyed the company.

Is your mum able to manage her personal cares safely? Is her shower set up with a safety rail and seat? Is her toilet close to her bedroom?
And is she able to cook herself healthy meals and drinks?

It does seem to depend on the manager. A nursing home near us was awful until a new manager came and transformed it.
It's right beside a high school and often pupils will perform music for the residents. Animals are brought in sometimes and at other times there's entertainment.

It's in the town, so staff are easier to find because you can easily walk or bus there.

Unfortunately I have heard that the manager has left so who knows what will happen. I used to occasionally visit a chap who had alzheimers.

PeterBrown you are way off being anywhere near right in ascribing self-interest. No one wants to see their parent at risk.

Good point NotSpaghetti
I'd echo that some care homes are excellent. The place I volunteer at is terrific. Kind friendly staff, good food and as much activity and engagement as people want. I just have a fly on the wall view. I'm not staff or a relative so I'm independent. I just hope it's still going when my time comes.
My uncle has just moved into a care home in his town and is a new man. It's great to hear from him.

I agree about a possible UTI. Definitely get that checked out and dealt with.

My DMiL was adamant she didn't want to go into a home, although her own mother ended her days in one.

Her DH of 76yrs died in hospital
during covid so her 2 remaining DC took turns to live with her until she died, quite suddenly, while my DS and DGS were cutting the grass. They came back into the house where she was sitting and couldn't wake her! She was 98.

I'd recommend a healt check- as someone said upthread, could it be a UTI?

Nasty, nasty, nasty

In no case, if a person is comfortable where they are, why somehow trick or force them to be evicted? Provide them with normal care and company and everything will be fine. She raised you and when it was difficult, why didn't she give you to an orphanage? It seems to me that in this situation it is a complete betrayal and an attempt to get rid of the person as a problem... I would NOT want to have such ungrateful children in my old age...

Tackle one thing at a time.
You say your mother is confused. Is she eating properly, as in is she able to cater for herself? This is often a cause of rapid deterioration in older people; once they are in a home and have good regular meals they recover their 'faculties' and immediately want to return home.
Try talking/persuading to your mother about accepting a cleaner, possibly to do a blitz every so often, not coming in every day, and perhaps some one to provide nutritious food. If she is a passionate gardener I expect she spends long hours gardening then can't be bothered to eat. There seem to be many pre-pared meals or food packs delivered to the home available; would she accept those?
Leave moving to an old people's home in abeyance; they are not the hive of social activities as shown in advertisements but generally full of people are not able to be very communicative. And your mother is wedded to her garden.
Not an easy situation, and parents get more stubborn the older they get.

I swim with someone whose job it is to assess care homes.
She said one care home near me is a beacon compared to all others. The residents laugh and are engaged, they have staff who just ignore her if a resident calls to them, they have assistants who sing and read to people.

She says it's not an attractive place and the brochure is poor. She says that it's not somewhere you'd choose superficially - without "knowing it" but it feels warm and "like your home."

I hope that if the time comes my family help me find somewhere like this.
Somewhere where the residents are happy.

That's good to hear, Anniebach. I have to say that the care my mother received in her home was also excellent - the staff were fantastic, especially in her final weeks. I couldn't praise them enough. I wish my inlaws could have gone into the same home, but unfortunately it no longer offers the level of nursing care which my MiL needed.

Hello Annie, good to see your post and hear it’s still going well for you
I’ve just had to stop weeding my garden. I was gently using a hoe and my left wrist became so painful I felt sick
I’ve had RA since my early twenties so have osteo arthritis and osteo pina. I’m lucky to afford a gardener to mow the lawns but so far managed the borders
Who knows what tomorrow brings
My mum in laws end of life in a nursing home was good

Mt61 you criticise nursing/care homes yet chose 3 for your
father , you thought them crap ?

I live in a private nursing home, staff are excellent, I chose to
move here , my elder daughter had died, my younger daughter lived a 10 hour train journeys to see me, she was so
worried, home carers were not as caring as the staff here.

Care homes are not only for old people !

I’ve never been a good home yet, especially the private homes and I have worked in them all, all my life. Some staff were useless to say the least! What care they offer sounds fantastic, but in reality it was total crap care he had. my dad, who had severe Alzheimer’s was left to fend for himself. Found to be dehydrated & malnourished. Mum & I brought him home after the third home & looked after him between the two of us, plus care in the morning & evening.
I cry when I think how he treated in those homes.
Don’t get me wrong the best carers are few & far between & aren’t on duty 24/7

Rereading the OP I’d be concerned about the recent confusion and increasingly difficult ability to converse, maybe a urinary infection tripsyG.
Might be worth seeing if you can get that checked by her GP, then address other concerns if conversation improves.
Good luck

Would she be amenable to one of the schemes where a young person lives with her in exchange for keeping an eye on her?

My husband's grandfather was fiercely independent, living alone and sea-swimming. He would accept no help and lived in a messy and pretty grubby house.

At 99 after 3 falls (one down the stairs) he was "persuaded" to move to a residential home by his 3 concerned daughters.

He moved in in the morning, ate a good lunch and died in the afternoon.

I'd say get someone in first to "help with the garden" - have them work alongside your mum who can maybe accept help with (say) weeding if she's doing some light pruning. I think she may enjoy little chats with this person. Once she has accepted and seen the benefits of one person I'd then look at maybe some help inside - alongside her.

I think the garden is Key.

Maybe a trip to the garden centre for something new could be planted by a gardener helper?
My mother-in-law saves up the digging and chopping and the lawn for her gardener and does the easy stuff.
She loves having him work alongside her.

She used to do her laundry whilst her cleaner did the house - now she strips the bed and the cleaner does the laundry too - and puts new sheets on etc.

My mother-in-law has always been very clean and (over) tidy but has accepted changes in increments of her choosing.

I think the memory issue is worrying but I'd still say baby steps.

It's still worth popping her over to visit her friend and keeping fingers crossed.
If there's a nice garden to enjoy for a stroll, even better.

Thinking of you.