Feeling guilty and incredibly sad about the situation my dad is in

mabon1

Well, in a way you have abandoned him. He considered his home was with you in France,you have deposited him with strangers. You will need to find somewhere that specialises in care for people with dementia. Why can't he be in France?

The OP said that her dad didnt speak French, so I presume that is why a French care home might not be suitable for him.

Add in his dementia, and I would have thought that being in a 100% English-speaking care home would outweigh the need to be close to family who can no longer give the care that he needs

Thank you. It is so nice that it worked out for you. This is very interesting to hear that it can work. My father doesn't speak French and rejected any suggestion of going to a French care home which is why we never considered it seriously. I also assumed it would be the worst thing we could do to him because he has quite a challenging behaviour (he can be quite aggressive and unreasonable).

Thank you for your kind words!

He is funding his care privately. In France he would similarly be funded privately, where we are this would be €5-€6k per month which we would have to fund once his money ran out.

Thank you so much for all your messages. I really appreciate all of the advice and will consider everything in my decision. It is such a big help also to read about people that have gone through similar situations with their parents in a foreign country. But also the kind words of support because it really is such a difficult and unique situation. This is such a great forum. Thank you so much.

How is he funded in the UK Sachalso?

mabon1

Well, in a way you have abandoned him. He considered his home was with you in France,you have deposited him with strangers. You will need to find somewhere that specialises in care for people with dementia. Why can't he be in France?

The difference between England and France is that the children are expected to contribute for their parent’s care home, depending the children’s means. I have been told it could be 3000+ euros a month, in the Paris area. The children usually find a Care home in the countryside where it is cheaper. Moreover, the parent’s home is usually sold to help with the costs.

Maybe a visit to your local Care Home in France would help.
Talk to them .
I am not up to date with Home care costs but they quote now around 2000€ per month and at the time my Mother received a 400€ long term maladie benefit from the French Social Security but that was pre Brexit.
The language was really never a problem , she talked English
they talked French she seemed non the wiser.
One day I heard a carer practising her new english word
taught by Mother, Bugger Off, oh dear!

I know just how incredibly hard this is for you. I had to do this for my mum. I was working full time and had small children who needed me, that she would mistreat and blame for all sorts of things, even when they were not around.
The care home was lovely with attentive staff, in her home town. I visited very regularly.
She would shout at me about abandoning her and tell everyone how cruel I was, how I never visited, how selfish and heartless after she had given her life for me... It really upset me.
The staff explained that it was a very common occurrence and actually a part of the condition. They are really frightened and frustrated by their illness but it’s easier to blame someone else, especially someone who loves them deeply and they know will love them whatever they do. It’s a bit like a frustrated child misbehaving at home and being awful to mum having kept it all inside when at school 🤷🏻‍♀️

I definitely agree with others. Can you imagine how confusing this is for him with all the sudden changes. Please consider moving him to care home near you in France there will be ways round language like others have said English is often a second language in Europe. That way he can see your face on a regular basis which will comfort him so much. I’m a companion for dementia patients in their own homes it’s so confusing for them but they yearn/long to see familiar faces please re consider your choices. You’ve done marvellous by him so far don’t drop the ball at the end.

No doubt about it. The harsh reality is, despite many sympathetic posts here, you have abandoned him. He needs to be near those he spent most of his life with, particularly last few years. Just grit your teeth, put your big girls pants on and bring him back to France. There he’ll be able to see his family and perhaps even have an occasional outing with them. An added bonus will be that you will know you have done your duty.

mabon1

Well, in a way you have abandoned him. He considered his home was with you in France,you have deposited him with strangers. You will need to find somewhere that specialises in care for people with dementia. Why can't he be in France?

Totally

Your DF lived for 10 years in France. He did not have dementia so woukd have developed some interest in where he was living. If your DF had gone into care in France at least he would have his family for visits and interest in his care. Would he go back to France if you suggested such a move? He may not be able to speak French but he would, for as long as he has some comprehension, have contact with those he knows. You made a decision not knowing how your DF would react. Difficult to know if reaction is to being moved into care or progression of the terrible disease. You are trying to do the best for your DF and you should remind yourself of that.

We had to find a suitable care home for my ML who could not be left alone and we were both working full time and also had my mother who was wheel chair bound living with us. It was a hard journey and we saw some homes that frankly should have been closed however there are some really good ones out there that do care and have time for there residence. Have you tried contacting the local churches who quite often have people that will go once a week and spend time with a resident. Also Age concern have volunteers that will spend a hour with some one or read to them. Also they do a phone call volunteer although this may only be if they are in there own home. Having said all that I do understand why you brought him back to England but the comfort of being near you and your family would I am sure be better even if he does not speak the language. My ML did not speak English but she became really attached to her carers and they new what she needed Good luck hope what ever you decide he settles down

mabon1

Well, in a way you have abandoned him. He considered his home was with you in France,you have deposited him with strangers. You will need to find somewhere that specialises in care for people with dementia. Why can't he be in France?

OP doesn't mention if her dad speaks French, but it sounds as if his first language is English. Even if he speaks French well, in my eperience, people struggle dreadfully as they get dementia, with all but their first language.
Sometimes they have to be in Care Homes where people can't speak their language, but I understand the impulse to go where the language is familiar.
I remember the Polish Care Home that was so helpful for the WW2 veterans (is it still running, I wonder?) for exactly that reason.
It seems that OP has made the best decision she could - whether there is any point in reviewing that is to be considered, but it really is a difficult choice to make.

With my mum it was sherry - but I don't think she hit anyone with it.

She hated the home for the first few weeks until a new resident joined who was ABSOLUTELY VILE. Her language left nothing to the imagination and she was rude and sarcastic to everyone. She was all Scottish with a heavy accent (the care home was in Derbyshire). She became mum's best friend cos mum thought she was someone she had worked with as a teenager - and cos mum was deaf she never heard the vile words from the woman!

She also forgot my dad who had been a wonderful husband (and father) and said he was trying to get rid of her!

Oh it's a terrible illness but if we can keep our loved ones safe and reasonably content it is all we can do.

Please don't feel bad. Your Dad needs professional care now. He is doing what most deteriorating geriatrics do. It is absolutely no reflection on how much you care about him.

It was brandy that my mother felt she needed, rather than port! She'd had a heart attack some time before this, and had a bottle of brandy or sherry most days. She'd believed the brandy was good for what she called her 'dicky ticker'. My brother moved in with her to try and wean her off alcohol, this wasn't very successful but I think she was happy to be sharing the house with him.

Age UK are a good resource, they may have useful information. My sister lived in France when her children were small, and she said that families tended to keep members with mental or physical disabilities hidden away.

Oh believe me I know exactly how you are feeling. Mum was just the same over 6 years, to start with she used to sit by the bed everyday waiting with her suit case ready to come home. The Care Home Manageress was so good she even took Mum to her old home locally and the two of them sat outside in the car and Mum said to her, why are we here.

The Manageress said dont you recognise the house and Mum said No, this isnt where Mum and Dad live. So they went back to the Care Home. Mum who was an extremely frail lady got worse as time went on, they did not at any time say that she could not stay which was marvellous , although I will say she was self funding and as such she was paying twice as much as anyone else there that wasnt. We had several episodes , Mum went into the garden where previously a gazebo had been erected and the poles were lying on the grass, Mum picked up one of these poles and lobbed it through the lounge window of the Home. How she didnt kill anyone I dont know.
We also had an episode of throwing everything that wasnt nailed down out of the room she had. Everything went including the TV, she may have been frail but she could be as strong as an Ox.

She trailed one day round the Home swinging her handbag which unbeknown to anyone else there was a whole bottle of Port in it. She swung this bag at everyone injuring a few inmates as I called them. When the staff took the bag away they were shocked to find this bottle of port inside.

I tell you fun and game have just begun. Lunches were fun, Cook used to tell us that she and her staff were used to ducking as things would come flying back through the serving area to them. On one occasion Mum threw her plate of soup like a frizzbee into the kitchen.

One of the staff took her for a walk along the road one day and it became very overcast and it was obviously going to pour with rain so she said to Mum , we will have to go back. With that Mum started screaming at the top of her voice I have been kidnapped and the neighbours came out and wondered what was going on. Conveniently a police car came past and stopped and the staff member explained and the officer put Mum in the back of the car, (she got in the car and went like nothing had happened all innocent like) and they took her back to the Home.

Dont feel guilty. It is an illness, you are the one that will suffer more than your Dad, although it may be not feel like it. God bless you.

When my brothers and sister reached this stage with our mum, I was unable to do anything due to illness, so I just had to opt out. I had my brother telling me to organise for her to go into a home! I told him I didn't think that was going to happen. Eventually she did go into a residential home that social Services suggested. I think the happiest time of her life was living in the nurses' home when she trained as a nurse, so she enjoyed the communal situation as much as I'd dislike it!

Well, in a way you have abandoned him. He considered his home was with you in France,you have deposited him with strangers. You will need to find somewhere that specialises in care for people with dementia. Why can't he be in France?

My mother was in a brilliant care home. When she died the undertaker said this was one of the very few care homes he would put a relative in. I now say to people go and ask the local, most reputable undertaker. They are in and out of these places on an almost daily basis and get to see a lot.

The Social Worker should be helping you but maybe you would get some advice and support from someone like AgeUK or similar.
You have to think that sadly this is not your dad speaking if he has dementia it is that that is speaking
my fil had bad dementia you need to find a home that specialises in dementia they will cope with him

He must have been agreeable to the move 10 years ago; so it must have been the best decision for you all at the time. It sounds as if this decision is the best you could make now.
So, feel sad & upset at this, but don't waste time on guilt. You have some good advice on here, put your energy into making it work.
But also recognise, it may not - all bets are off when dementia hits - it can feel like nothing works - and that may well have applied if he'd spent the last few years in the UK.

I found this helpful: think of your dad as you knew him for most of your life - what would that person say to you now?

I don't know if he has any savings that you could use to help him by negotiating (say) half an hour in the care home garden mid afternoon?

Can the (new) care home facilitate this if you pay?
Or would they be OK with a specialist agency doing it?

I don't know your circumstances but feel for you.


Please don't punish yourself for choices made in good faith, with good intentions.

We only know what we know. None of us have a crystal ball.