I'm Not a Carer But Feel I'm Being Turned Into One.

I believe that this is one of the hardest most difficult things to do as we get older and are asked to do things that we really shouldn’t be doing. Don’t want to do aren’t capable of. I remember my own mother was put upon by relatives to take care of her sister or have the sister visit far too often the sister had dementia and Mama just could not bring herself to tell our relatives no so I wrote to them and let them know that Mama was not a carer that they as children needed to step up and not my mother. If you are truly unable to say no reach out for some help I hope you can say no I know how difficult this is to do. It goes against the grain of being kind and human but too much is too much and I believe from what I’ve read that this is too much for you good luck

I agree with all the comments except that I wouldn’t say it’s for my health reasons, that’s none of their business just say no you don’t feel it’s appropriate or safe and caring is best left to professional carers. I would agree to take their phone number in case you see an emergency but other than that no way, I might pop in for a quick chat and cuppa if and when I had a spare ten minutes but I wouldn’t even make that a firm arrangement

Are you insured to provide social care?

From experience I can say that the more you do the more will be expected of you - and it won't be the fault of the poor lady who needs care. Please don't get sucked into this situation - once you start doing things for her it is very hard to withdraw from doing them, as it will seem hurtful and neglectful, and you might well then start to feel guilty which you most definitely shouldn't. She has a family - and she is their resposibility, not yours.

Nice and kind as you are -you havecyo say no .
People are fantastically cheeky .
One of my friends,who is disabled did shopping and arranging repairs for an elderly lady who lived nearby .
Her nieces didn't want to know .
On the other end of the scale I offered to help out with an elderly lady who lives a few doors away from me .
She needs help with bathing and her hair stinks to the extent that it makes me nauseated.
I've known her for years and I do visit and take flowers .
I also arrange Communion if she wants it .
Sometimes her daughter who doesn't spend enough time with her acts as though I'm after the inheritance.

During an interview recently on the radio it was suggested that a person says ‘don't’ not ‘can’t’ , it gives a stronger tone, if not a bit rude. Eg I can’t lift people … or I don’t lift people because of my health situation.

You must say any kind of physical care. To keep an eye on is a bit different to keep an eye out for a neighbour. I have no disabilities, live alone abd I know my neighbours do keep an eye out for me in that if I didn't open blinds in the morning, someone would be at the door to check if all okay. You have to tell the family you are not in a position to do anything other than keep an eye out for their parent.

V3ra

windmill1 I'm so sorry you're being put upon by this neighbour's daughter.
Like everyone else says do not get coerced into becoming a free carer for this poor lady. It's not safe or fair for either you or her.

If she's been discharged from hospital recently and needs care she should be getting that free for six weeks, that would have been arranged before she came home.
After that yes she'll have to pay, but the lady herself will have a financial assessment as to how much.

If she is a friend of yours then the most you should be expected to do is to visit and have a cup of tea and a chat with her, but only if that suits you.

I agree with this. Aftercare would have been arranged prior to her discharge. Just make sure that the relies haven't put you forward as her carer

My DD and SiL were in that situation. Their elderly neighbour just told social services that his neighbours were looking after him. SS didn't ask DD and SiL.
They only got out of the situation when SiL went on sabbatical and they went abroad for a year, during which time the neighbour died.

Don’t get drawn into anything - as you say you are disabled and need to look after yourself. Just because you are not working doesn’t mean you don’t have a life

I have a care alarm for £30 a month. I didn't want to involve anyone, I have no relatives, and that was not a problem.

I paid extra for a tracker system, so if I collapse in the middle of Sainsbury's, the call centre will know which one!

I agree with everything that has been said. What a cheek!

Very difficult for you and very cheeky of them, it’s a difficult problem trying to be a good neighbour and being taken advantage of, I’m afraid you are going to have to be blunt with them, no mean feat I’m sure as they sound bloody rude, tell them you cannot be available and she needs a social worker and a carer.

Alternatively, the answer could be, "Yes, my hourly rate is £30 per hour." They have a blooming cheek. It is an onerous duty to look after loved ones let alone the rest of the world. My Mum's next-door neighbour offered to help but I thought it was too much to ask so declined their kind offer.

“Sorry but I’m not insured” 😉

You know what you have to say but you’re probably dreading the moment. Be strong, and good luck.

I would contact your local Adult Safeguarding Services and put in an anonymous referral. They can then assess her and contact her family. You can phone or do it online if you prefer.

I did this a few years ago as many of us in our cul de sac were concerned about the welfare of an elderly couple. She had health problems and he clearly couldn't cope but didn't reach out to anyone. Social Services became involved and now community nurses and their family also come round regularly to help out. No-one has ever found out that it was me who reported them and I'm glad they got the help they needed.

I am aware of two situations where the problem was with the elderly people themselves, who were very resistant to having carers come in; and kept saying that their friends, neighbours etc were always ‘very happy to help’.

Their children could see very clearly that the demands being made on other people were unrealistic and unfair, but in one case, the older person actually refused to let carers into the house, when the children did arrange visits. Both individuals had an unrealistic sense of how well they were able to cope independently, and the children did not live nearby.

It would actually have helped the children if the friends and neighbours had been firm, and clear and said consistently they were not able to help. I can imagine how hard it would be, and of course none of us would see someone struggling in a real emergency, but it is the only way.

You must say no! Disgraceful that the family even asked you.

I agree with everyone else you must not agree yo this and certainly mustnt move her whatbif she'd broken something? Therea all kind of technology these days they can set up with echo cameras trip alarms and mats etc theres no need for you to be put upon in this way . Yes theyll have to cough up some money but im sure she'll get carers allowances etc . Age concern and the local council will help and advise them with all of this . It is not your problem!

Please say "no".

You might get sucked in and then not have a life of your own as more issues creep up. She is the family's responsibility, and it isn't your problem that they say they can't afford the care. They need get off their backsides and come up with a plan. But again that isn't your problem. Walk away while you can.

All the best!

Tell them they need to pay for an alarm call service but that due to your own health needs you cannot be listed as a contact for that. Once you start it will never stop and although being neighbourly is lovely when it becomes something that is expected and a responsibility it can just pull you down

You must tell them NO firmly. The situation is fraught with danger at the moment- you hurting yourself and her- it will only get worse as time goes by.
I expect you have got to know this lady well but it’s for the best that you are not held responsible for what her family should be doing. Good luck.

Good advice from GNs here. I'll only add my full agreement about saying NO! You certainly shouldn't move her if she falls and you need to tell the family thst you aren't getting involved in "caring" any way. Good luck!

I have an elderly Mother in law of sound mind who will not acknowledge that she needs any care. I spoke to a lovely person at Age Concern who told me that anyone can make an anonymous call to social services if they are concerned about someone's welfare. I absolutely agree with everything else people have said about you not taking in any form of caring responsibility. But if your neighbour and the family don't put something in place and you think your neighbour is being neglected, you can let social services know anonymously. A financial assessment will be made and care needs decided.

Tell her family to stick it where the sun don't shine.