Mum 86 still driving

We had to persuade my late FiL to stop driving in his late 80s, although I do think he was coming to the conclusion himself that the time had come to stop. It's not an easy conversation to have, but often a very necessary one.
I will never forget covering a court case in which a man in his 80s had pulled out of a side road onto a very busy main road and struck a motorbike, killing the rider. The sheriff hearing the case ordered the man to take an eye test, although the man insisted he was fine to drive - and it turned out that his eyesight was so bad that he could be legally registered as blind.

4allweknow

I undertook a driving assessment 5 months ago. With the constant barage of criticism of older drivers in the media I wanted to know if I was a risk to not just myself but others too.
Contacted 3 driving schools and asked if they would do such a thing.Two said yes. My assessment was one and a half hours. Drove into
other counties on motorways, dual carriageways, into and about towns I hadn't visited for decades. Was asked the meaning of some road signs, taken to an industrial site and had to parallel and reverse park. I passed with one advisory ie approach roundabouts a bit slower rather than driving right up to and two very well dones -my overtaking and forward viewing. Worth every penny.

That's a very pragmatic approach to take - and absolutely sure of an objective opinion at the end of it. To be recommended for everyone I'd say come about that time of life.

I only wish I could get that sort of idea through into the heads of various White Van Men in my current area - some of whom are very bad drivers and couldnt give a ** (ie it ain't just older people that can cause problems to other people).

Having a "professional" evaluate would be such a good idea.

The bad driving that's more frequent in some areas is down to insufficient professional input about it. You know you live in a countryish area when men here tell you how many official proper driving lessons with an instructor they've had - and your mouth drops open when they say things like "Two", "Five" and other very low numbers of professional lessons and you are obviously looking at them in astonishment and horror - and then they add "Well I learnt to drive as a child - driving a tractor around a farm" !!!!!!. Cue for me looking up how many professional driving lessons people have to have in this country before they can book a driving test - and Chat GPT says "None - in Britain" !!!!! No wonder 3 "Mr White van Men" have nearly belted me one with a van since moving here.....

It is one heck of a responsibility to be behind the wheel of a vehicle.

I undertook a driving assessment 5 months ago. With the constant barage of criticism of older drivers in the media I wanted to know if I was a risk to not just myself but others too.
Contacted 3 driving schools and asked if they would do such a thing.Two said yes. My assessment was one and a half hours. Drove into
other counties on motorways, dual carriageways, into and about towns I hadn't visited for decades. Was asked the meaning of some road signs, taken to an industrial site and had to parallel and reverse park. I passed with one advisory ie approach roundabouts a bit slower rather than driving right up to and two very well dones -my overtaking and forward viewing. Worth every penny.

She has osteoathritis in both hips, can only shuffle nor walk normally and has difficulty in lifting her feet. My concern (amongst other things) is she has memory blackouts and her difficulty in moving her feet across the pedals.

She doesn’t sound like a safe driver, tbh. I’d be much more worried about her causing an accident and harming or killing somebody than I would about facing her anger if you stopped her driving, however you do it.

An older driver ended up with his car hanging over the wall of a local school’s Reception playground, showering stones from it onto the area below where the children had been playing a few minutes earlier. When he got out of his car, he could only shuffle, not helped by the fact that he was wearing carpet slippers.

I can only hope it was public transport and taxis for him from then on.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It doesn’t sound as if there is a medical reason why your mother can’t drive as the doctor has effectively said she can. As she has her full mental faculties I don’t think you can actually stop her although I do understand your concerns. How far and how often does she drive? Have you been in the car with her? Does she seem like a safe driver? If not I think you have to nag, and get your siblings onside.

BlueBelle

They may be safe drivers monica but no one of 80 or 90 has the same quick reactions, the same strength, the same eyesight, the same cognitive speed of thought as a younger person
Of course none of the posters on here who are 80 or coming up to it and still driving will be agreeing with me, because we never really see our own decline but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening

When I reached 80, I asked my adult grandson to assess my driving. I was confident that I was fine, especially as I had been driving for 62 years with no accidents, but was worried I was fooling myself.
He did a really good job, we covered town, village, country and motorway driving, including an emergency stop, and at the end of it, he reassured me that I had ‘passed’!
It was good to know that I’m not a danger to others, and I hope it will stay that way!
He did point out that he was pleased to see that, whilst I kept to the speed limits, I wasn’t one of those people on motorways who tuck themselves into the left lane, never overtake, and crawl along at 40 or 50.
I enjoy driving, and I wonder if the fact that I have driven almost daily since passing my test has helped. A friend only drives every fortnight when she visits her consultant, and she is getting more and more apprehensive as each trip approaches. That in itself can cause accidents.

UTIs can cause tremendous problems of delirium, but once treated those problems do resolve. Not sure what you mean by memory blackouts, is that forgetfulness or actual blackouts.

If your mum was over 90 maybe I would have a talk but at 86 if her eyesight etc is ok it’s perhaps a little early to force her to stop driving.

I know many capable drivers around that age and my dh isn’t that far off, and they are safer than the youngsters who are the majority of drivers who have accidents.

It’s difficult to give up the independence of driving, does your mum live near regular public transport ?

They may be safe drivers monica but no one of 80 or 90 has the same quick reactions, the same strength, the same eyesight, the same cognitive speed of thought as a younger person
Of course none of the posters on here who are 80 or coming up to it and still driving will be agreeing with me, because we never really see our own decline but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening

BlueBelle

I feel that you should report her to DVLA she sounds incredibly unsafe however good a driver she is or has been
She has memory black outs and you are still wondering?? it’s really really hard but you owe it for her safety and the safety of others She need never know it was you Her doctor has copped out he should have sent a letter to DVLA
There should be an upper age limit for stopping just as there is for starting

I really do disagree that there should be a stopping age for driving. There are many older drivers, 80s and more who are still safe drivers.

What I would like to see are compulsory eye tests before renewal from 70 and cognitive tests from 75.

Read any accident report involving someone over 75 and 95% of the time they have either eyesight or cognitive problems.

I had the unenviable task of persuading my stepfather to give up driving. He was in his mid eighties, had arthritis in his neck which made it difficult to move his head, and he had nodded off at the wheel several times. It made my life more difficult but I couldn’t have lived with myself if he had caused an accident. He ended up being quite gracious about it. I should also say he was of an age that didn’t require him to take a driving test, and I was never comfortable being in a car with him.

When I was in my 50s I had a problem with my sight. Very fortunately it was dealt with by surgery. As I wasn’t sure of the outcome I started to make plans in case I could no longer drive. I planned to sell my car and set up a taxi fund which would also include savings from petrol, insurance and servicing. I also thought about changing to a closer GP surgery and dentist.
It’s important to realise that life isn’t over if you can’t drive and you must adapt.

I feel that you should report her to DVLA she sounds incredibly unsafe however good a driver she is or has been
She has memory black outs and you are still wondering?? it’s really really hard but you owe it for her safety and the safety of others She need never know it was you Her doctor has copped out he should have sent a letter to DVLA
There should be an upper age limit for stopping just as there is for starting

Charleygirl5

I am 82 and decided to surrender my licence in July this year, before my insurance was renewed. I was only driving locally, but the time had come.

I wanted to make the decision and not have it made for me. It has been hard, I don't deny it, especially as so much has been pedestrianised recently.

Being Scottish, I still don't want to pay for taxis!

I could never get my mother into the idea of getting taxis - even though she certainly had the money to pay for them. I'd tell her till I was blue in the face to "Just get a taxi if you want one" and couldnt ever persuade her (yep....there's Scottish heritage a few generations back there).

I can't say I'm keen on spending money on taxifares personally - but there is a taxi firm here that has a fixed fare for anywhere in the town to anywhere else in the town and it's actually very cheap. So I will use it if I need to. They are dearer than another firm if I want a long-distance journey - but it's not that often and so I stick with them for those too.

Look at it that owning a car means a 4-figure amount of money going out on fixed costs alone each year - what with tax, insurance, MOTs, etc and that's before one puts any petrol in it to drive it somewhere. Put like that and I think I'm still "quids in" and saving money on the cost of a car - even though I do take a few long-distance trips a year. Public transport is absolutely appalling where I live now and I remind myself firmly that I'm used to getting darn nearly everything I require within walking distance of my last house - and so I feel entitled to take a long distance taxi even if need be - as it will still be a lot more inconvenient than a quick walk.

Goodness knows - my emergency plan in case of major illness (now that I don't live walking distance from a decent-quality 24/7 A & E any longer - as I live in West Wales now) is that I am appalled by the 2 out of the 3 local NHS hospitals I've been in here and I'll be taking a taxi back to my own (old area's) hospital if ever I need to. It'll still be a sight quicker than waiting umpteen hours in a horrible, grotty more local hospital. A friend of mine had to take an aged parent into an A & E here recently and asked me how many people I thought would be there too at 2 a.m. and I replied "Over 100?" and he said "Not far wrong - there was 75 other people waiting" !!!!!!

So there's no point all round in saving money by deciding not to pay for a taxi if I want one....when the alternatives are "Miss a bus and you'll be waiting an hour/maybe more for the next one" or "Head to A & E and have a hugely long wait in appalling conditions if you need medical care". Add worse weather as well (which I expect you've got too?) and taxis it is and me lecturing myself that "I've got the money - so darn well spend it..."

I am 82 and decided to surrender my licence in July this year, before my insurance was renewed. I was only driving locally, but the time had come.

I wanted to make the decision and not have it made for me. It has been hard, I don't deny it, especially as so much has been pedestrianised recently.

Being Scottish, I still don't want to pay for taxis!

the Institute of Advanced Motorist offer assessment drives fr older drivers. I think most driving schools would be willing to do something similar and then advise.
www.iamroadsmart.com/about-us/guidance-for-older-drivers/

My elderly next door neighbour (complete with some level of dementia) kept driving for longer than she should have - ie very worrying for someone living as close to her as I am!

I do - very occasionally - see her car parked outside her house but I suspect she doesn't use it anymore and it's in the hands of the adult child of hers that I mentioned "I know she has dementia" to and told him an incident that proved it. I think what he's probably done is to "borrow" her car from her and then goes on from there with excuses not to "return" it to her. I think he clicked that if he didnt do something and she did cause damage (not for the first time!) to my property I'd report her.

So I know she's also told him the tale she told me that proves she has dementia (as he said he'd already heard it when I told him) and my suspicion is that that is why her car is nowhere near her house 95% of the time any longer and I don't see her driving it - ie with the way I suspect he's "borrowed" it from her.

Luckily - I think he's figured out that I am reasonably au fait with householder law - and that puts his mother at a lot greater risk that I'll report her if he doesnt deal with it. So I'm guessing that's why he's doing things this way. That - and the fact that I'm not the only one that's noticed she is very "stubborn" and has a tendency to think she's right - just because it is her and to get fixated on having what she personally wants.

You can report to the DVLA anonymously.

I do understand your concerns. Whilst I understand your mum values her independence, it’s no longer just that that is the issue as you say. My concerns would be the same as yours - her ability or not to deal with an unexpected issue whilst driving, which could endanger not just herself but other road users and pedestrian, possibly leading to someone’s serious injury or death.
I think you need to have this discussion with her, perhaps even show her the responses here. Good luck, as it’s a difficult situation for you to deal with.

I assume her friend gets lifts from her so has an ulterior motive. I think the GP was offering her an easy out to retire gracefully, if she won’t take that then in your shoes I’d step in if she doesn’t heed your advice. It is hard, I had to do the same with my Mum, good luck.

I had to contact the DVLA twice re my Dad. He never forgave me really.

Contact the dvla. I had to do this with my brother. He had an assessment and was banned from driving.
He didn't even know what speed traps were.
His assessor was pale afterwards. My DB had driven through a red light and stopped on a duel carriage way.
He thought he'd done quite well.
You need to do this.

What about a reassessment of Mums driving.
These are provided by Driving Mobility Centres or maybe a few lessons with a local driving instructor?

Difficult however, if she has an accident of her own making and injured others or worse how would you feel?

We persuaded my stepfather to give up
driving when he began to struggle with traffic and parking.

It was difficult but it was the correct thing to do.