Should we be resentful about becoming a carer?

*AnotherBirdlady’, the case you quote, of a fall resulting in a hospital stay, is not what I meant by general caring duties. I meant the expectations of parents who won’t have outside help for normal, everyday things, either because they don’t want strangers coming in, or they don’t want to pay for it, or (often) both.

So instead they expect adult children - nearly always daughters, isn’t it? - to see to shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, transport to and from appointments, basically just about all daily practicalities.

Blossoming

My husband had dementia and I cared for him for seven years he was incapable of doing anything for himself.
I looked after him in ways I would not have thought possible but love really does win in the end.
I loved to read your posts and how the love your husband has for you shines through.

It’s the small simple things that matter and when you’re well enough your walks around your area with the occasional picture are just a joy to read.

My lovely man is now at rest but I miss him so very much.

Many a time I bundled us up in warm clothing and took a short walk outside our home inspired by your love of life and by your husbands care for you.

Thank you Usedtobeblonde you have really cheered me up saying that!

I read your posts with delight and some envy Blossoming I don’t think you should worry, your H obviously does what he does from love.
Continue to enjoy your daily walks round your local area and your occasional trips to Lytham.

This worries me a great deal. Although disabled from a young age and suffering from chronic illness I have always been fairly independent. After a horrendous last year with a new condition and not much help from the medical profession MrB has been forced into the rôle of carer. He insists he’s fine with it all but it wasn’t how I wanted our life together to be. I am afraid he may come to resent me as a burden.

I have come back to this thread and noted one thing which stood out.a poster said she cared for her H and he would have done the same for her.
I think I can say that my H would not have done the same for me.
We were married for 60 years, a good marriage but he would not have been able to take on the role of carer, I knew him well enough to know that.
He was old style and that explains it all.

No one has to care, we all have a choice and caring for someone with resentment is no good for either of you; The local council has a duty to care if you have less than 23500 unless your needs are health related then the NHS will pay but I realise it is difficult to achieve these days. If you have more than 23500 you are self funding and have to pay for all the care yourself. I agree with another poster that parents who only want their children to care for them are very selfish but often that is part of the illness like dementia where the ability to reason often goes out of the window. I have been a carer 3 times and never resented caring for a loved one, it is a rollercoaster and so hard on the body and soul but we do it out of love and I am definitely thankful I was in a position to do it, I could not do it now, due to my own ill health.

Pably and witzend I appreciate your responses, thankyou.
Witzend I understand about your Mum and the ice cream! People have said to me "use a calendar so A. knows what is happening. ' They mean well but have no idea, the calendar is in a prominent position , he cant remember to look at it and if he did he would immediately forget what he had read!
I cared for mum and had 3 children, the youngest only 11. I was so much younger I will now be 78 in a few weeks. I love my DH and this breaks my heart. We have wonderful children- thank goodness! Although I am very careful not to expect too much from them .
Felt very sorry for myself yesterday, today today feels better - the weather looks brighter so I think we will be taking a walk later.
Primrose you have much to contend with - its not easy !

Warbler I really feel for you. Not sure I could deal with that. My husband is, thank God, continent so all I have to do is empty urine bottles and disinfect them and make sure there are always toilet rolls to hand in bathroom.

I am finding it more difficult and tiring being a carer second time around. When I was caring for my Mum I was a lot younger and fitter. Now I am 72 and although I try and keep myself healthy, I get really tired and have some aches and pains. I am not sure how much longer I can keep on doing this.

Today I got up at 8 and washed etc. Made tea and toast for us. Got husband up and got all his water, toothpaste, towels in place in the bathroom. He then does what he needs to but it takes ages. I went up and did exercises and dressed. Came down and dressed him. He needed another toilet trip before we left so I loaded dishwasher and emptied bins. Put outdoor clothes on him and helped him into car which is a slow process. Finally set off at 10am.

We went shopping and I pushed him in his wheelchair all around town. He was very cold so we didn’t stay too long. Put wheelchair in car. He sat in car while I did weekly shop. Then he needed loo again So we found a disabled loo and sorted that. Came home and I put all groceries away. Made quick lunch, answered phone. Gave husband pills. Friend popped in for an hour which was lovely. Started prepping stuff for tea. Had that and loaded dishwasher. Bedtime will be undressing, more pills, making sure everything he needs is to hand. He dozes while watching TV so when I want to go to bed he is not tired and wants to watch TV. I never get to bed before 10.45.
It is a long day!

Warbler

When do you become a carer.......I'm sliding into it gently. After having to change the urine soaked bed for the second time this week and lug everything to the laundrette yet again, I am beginning to think.....am I the carer? We aren't married and really I wouldn't do any less for him, but it is a struggle.

That must be tiring changing urine soaked bed and lugging bedsheets to the laundrette a few times in a week.

As far as I know, Boots sells disposable bed pads.

Not forgetting someone who can be an advocate for you if needed - even without that coming over as a carer type thing - but it is sorta....

I have been absolutely horrified latterly at some of what I've seen and heard of going on in nearby hospitals - and can readily see how even people that didnt regard themselves as carers could land up really having to "fight the corner" of someone else that was ill.

Not everyone...in fact not many people at all can afford to do what I call "throwing money at it" to resolve health issues and I can well imagine having to chase/chase/chase again just to make sure that medical "basics" are sorted.

CariadAgain

Re Judy's friend - and, in those circumstances, that friend would have been very entitled to walk away - as those parents hadnt been "parents" at all in the way they acted by the sound of it.

There's all sorts of relationships between all sorts of people. Any child born before around the 1970s may or may not have been wanted - and I've been gobsmacked that there have been a lot of unwanted children still being born from the 1970s onwards (why?). Some of the unwanted ones born in order to serve as a "meal ticket" for Council housing/benefits etc rather than because they were genuinely wanted and planned for (despite the Pill and legal abortions - and there's always adoption). Some because there are people out there that take a very haphazard approach to contraceptive/abortion planning.

The other point too is that Society really does need a major dialogue about the fact that there are now many people (some of whom have lived long enough to get to retirement age) that decided never to have children and made sure accordingly that they never did have children. There are also people who would have liked children - all else being equal - but they couldnt find the right man and/or couldnt afford them and either way equalled they didnt have them then. In all that - the fertility rate is going down as our planet gets more and more poisoned - and I've certainly witnessed people badly wanting children/married etc and fighting a low fertility battle with their bodies to try and have one.

We have now gone into the era where - for one reason or another - there are simply going to be a LOT of people who don't have children that could be carers anyway. So the question arises as to "What happens then in those circumstances?" I see the occasional small group of female friends deciding then that they will all set themselves up living communally together just-in-case and will be each others back-ups if needed. But I think it takes a certain money level etc for those groups of friends to start up an arrangement like that. Otherwise there is those "retirement villages" - but many/most? people can't afford them either.

Society has given this zero thought - from what I can make out - and just makes the assumption that people who have always stayed single and childless (or are now divorced and childless) will simply not have health issues like that as they get older. A message comes over of "There is no way to cater for you - you won't be catered for - you're on your own. So you will have to stay fit regardless....whether you can or can't".

So there are people who would find themselves being carers at one end of that equation and no-one there at the other end of that equation if they needed it themselves. Talk about an issue that is shoved under the carpet - that has come from that outdated assumption "Of course everyone will have children" and it's ignored just how many of us havent done so. If things worked out that everyone who'd had children had planned and wanted them at one end of that - and then everyone went on to have children themselves = you have a neat circular path through life that goes "Out at this point - in at that point = evens out". But that "circle" literally doesnt exist for many - and it's going to be even more a case of many people do a "straight line through life - childless throughout".

CariadAgain you are so right. I am one of those who are "childless by circumstance" and am quite terrified of the future if my partner dies before me. I have had close experience of how things can play out, having cared for my mother until her death 2 years ago. People with children often say they do not want or expect their children to care for them, but they do not really think about what that implies. If you fall and are taken into hospital, who will visit you, bring you clean clothes and take away the dirty ones to wash? Who will help you return home, do you some shopping, make you a meal? Just a few small examples of the many ways children help their parents, for which you will be grateful when the time comes. God knows what will happen to me and all the other childless people. I will nurture the friendships I have and hope that we can be there for each other.

I’ve looked after a son who has Downs Syndrome for over fifty years, and still do. My late DH, had Parkinson’s and dementia, and when son and I visited DH when he was in hospital briefly, a doctor said, “ so you’re a carer for two people “. I didn’t know that I was a carer. You just look after your loved ones.

lixy

Judy54 “Yes being a Carer is hard work but the reason we do it is a four letter word called Love.”

I have a different four letter word - duty.

I do my best by my mum, and work very hard to ensure she is unaware that I resent it. But I do.
I also resent that my only sibling lives abroad and pays flying visits once, maybe twice, a year - and I have to make up the beds and do the ‘holiday’ laundry for those!!

However I can choose to look after her or to walk away. Thing is, the rest of the family would think very poorly of me if I did walk away, and I would mind that very much.
So it’s slap on a smile and grit the teeth.

Do I want my children to feel they have to look after me? Absolutely not, and they are very clear about that.

OP, I think you did a good job allowing someone to ‘let off steam’ when they needed to. Hope you had a good cup of tea after the phone call.

It's only a tiny point - but I know I'd feel better in your position if I just put that bedding there on the bed for the holidaying sibling and said "Make up your own - I've been too busy. BTW strip the bed and start the washing machine going for it when you're through". It's only one little tiny thing - but to even lessen the burden by that tiny bit is something...if not much at all. But "every little bit helps" I guess....

That friend turns up noticeably often on my doorstep and I get the kettle on straight away - though that's my habit anyway for everyone - of getting the kettle on and then asking them what drink they want. Make that usually a (very) strong mug of coffee in my case....

I've got a good friend of many years - albeit it's phonecalls now (as she's still back in my home city - but I'm not) and she told me the value of a "sounding board" for things and then out would come "Have you thought of this? Have you thought of that?" about whatever-it-was.

Shelflife, I’m so sorry you are going through this - it’s such a dreadful disease and so many people have absolutely no idea of daily practicalities. Re leaving messages on the whiteboard - that he won’t read or remember - we tried all sort of similar things with FiL but none was any use. Even if he read them he’d have forgotten only seconds later.

After my DM finally moved to a care home, I sometimes used to take her in the car to a local Royal Park, where I’d park and go to fetch her an ice cream from a kiosk no more than 25 yards away. I would leave on her lap an A4 sheet with GONE TO GET ICE CREAM in big letters, but she’d still be in a panic when I returned just a few minutes later.
‘I was so frightened - I didn’t know where you were!’
(No, I couldn’t take her with me, before anyone asks - by then it was a major operation getting her in and out of the car anyway.)

Eventually, though, she completely forgot how to get into a car at all - had forgotten what to do with her arms and legs, and would get in a panic if you tried to steer her in. 🙁

I didn't have to care for my widowed mother as I lived over 200 miles away. My brother, who lived locally did her admin, had power of atorney but didn't do any actual hands on care. She was able to afford carers for her needs but he used to moan about being asked to check on her if I wasn't getting an answer when I phoned and he said "It's alright for you!" He clearly resented what he did do. Meanwhile I had the worry as I couldn't check on her. She had an elderly couple working for her who did her cleaning, gardening, laundry and some shopping, and despite living further from her house than my brother, they said if I was worried about her I coud ring them and they would go round and check! Once she agreed to move into sheltered accomodation it was a relief to everyone and they continued to clean for her and do her laundry. There was a warden there who could check on her if I couldn't contact her.
I think if I'd lived nearby I'd have been happy to do more, and I hope I wouldn't have resented it as she had done so much for me over the years. However we all feel the stresses of caring, whether it's our elderly parents or our children when things are difficult. We are all entitled to vent from time to time but I would probably vent to a friend, not a business contact!

I cared for mum and dad and then dad from 100 miles away. It was very hard - he was very entitled and we had virtually nothing in common. I found it really hard and, since he died last October, I am still learning how to live my life without driving up and down the motorway every two weeks.
My three children know that whilst I’ll always be happy to see them and love them dearly, I will never ever expect them to care for me.

Judy54 “Yes being a Carer is hard work but the reason we do it is a four letter word called Love.”

I have a different four letter word - duty.

I do my best by my mum, and work very hard to ensure she is unaware that I resent it. But I do.
I also resent that my only sibling lives abroad and pays flying visits once, maybe twice, a year - and I have to make up the beds and do the ‘holiday’ laundry for those!!

However I can choose to look after her or to walk away. Thing is, the rest of the family would think very poorly of me if I did walk away, and I would mind that very much.
So it’s slap on a smile and grit the teeth.

Do I want my children to feel they have to look after me? Absolutely not, and they are very clear about that.

OP, I think you did a good job allowing someone to ‘let off steam’ when they needed to. Hope you had a good cup of tea after the phone call.

I cared for my mum for 2 years when she had dementia, until she had to go into a home, as she needed more care , now I have been caring for my O.H for 4 years as he has Alzheimers.,
There are some things he can do for himself, but for how long I don't know, I only know he will get worse.I do get fed up and I do cry a lot,I know that he would do the same for me, and I hope that I will always be here to care for him,
Shelflife...no you're not a bad person,,,you're doing a job that none of us wanted, losing our loved one bit by bit to this horrible disease

Warbler

When do you become a carer.......I'm sliding into it gently. After having to change the urine soaked bed for the second time this week and lug everything to the laundrette yet again, I am beginning to think.....am I the carer? We aren't married and really I wouldn't do any less for him, but it is a struggle.

I'd have thought most of the time - from what I can see as an outsider - it would be a "slippery gradual slope" for most carers?

Sometimes it could happen literally overnight - the person is fine one day and the next something drastic healthwise has happened out of the blue. From what I've seen as an onlooker though - it usually does seem to be "bit by tiny bit by tiny bit" and the person turns round at some point and thinks "Where and when did I sign on the dotted line to do this?" as the time went up gradually from "once in a blue moon" to "once a week" to "once daily".....but I doubt there was ever any sort of discussion about it....

Basgetti

JaneJudge

People are allowed to talk about how they feel if overwhelmed, whatever the issue

You just have to listen

Quite.
I shall care for my husband because I love him. I absolutely shall not be caring for elderly parents. My mother in particular was a terrible parent and I feel no obligation whatsoever. She has dementia and needs professional care, anyway. Stepdad hasn’t sought any because she’s been in denial since the beginning. His life is awful now but that’s up to him. He has money and choices, just won’t make them because of the ructions it will cause in the home.
I think we’re good parents, we have very close and loving relationships with our children and grandchild. No way on this green earth would we expect them to care for us. They have their own lives and we won’t burden them.
The idea that children, who had no choice in their creation, should be expected to care for elderly parents “in return” is beyond selfish.

An interesting post. I cared for my parents to the very best of my ability. They didn't want me in the same town as them when I got to 18, so the caring had a 3 hour drive attached to it.

When do you become a carer.......I'm sliding into it gently. After having to change the urine soaked bed for the second time this week and lug everything to the laundrette yet again, I am beginning to think.....am I the carer? We aren't married and really I wouldn't do any less for him, but it is a struggle.

anok, you hit the nail on the head ! I care for my DH who has Alzheimers Disease. Things are far from easy and I know it will get worse - not sure 1 will be strong enough to cope. After 51 years of marriage my lovely man is slowly slipping away from me . He develops strange ideas about certain people not liking him - just not true. Insisted I cancelled the window cleaner because we can't afford him - ridiculous!! Has no idea when his medical appointments are or why he is going! Has decided I shouldn't go out without him - I do . I tell him where I am going and leave a note on a whiteboard by the kettle. On my return he asks " where have you been?" When I explain he replies " I don't believe you" He has also made 2 financial errors that I had to sort out. I now keep a close eye on our accounts! I have registered the POA with the bank now and put our accounts online. My DH is unaware of this , he has been pressing to bank online - that would be disastrous!!!!😱 . I have told the bank that if he goes into the branch asking to register for online banking, they must distract him and basically fob him off. Thank goodness the POA allows me to do that. I have ensured we still receive paper statements so nothing has changed for my husband . I can now view our accounts easily .
The character changes are hard to accept, he is oblivious to his condition. He gets an idea in his head and nothing will make him reconsider. The man I relied on and trusted is slowly disappearing!
Do I resent my caring role, in a word
YES!!!!!! I don't resent my DH but I hate the way dementia is chipping away at our relationship. My life has shrunk , of course I am resentful - does that make me a bad person ? Apologies for my rant, today is a bad day. Tomorrow will be better 🙏 🤞 Thank you for reading.

I was caring for my late husband until his death a few weeks ago. It was a privilege to do so and although exhausting I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to do it.

I’ve told my daughter (only child) that if I need care to put me in a home. Hopefully it’s a few years off yet. I can quite understand how difficult emotions are to manage when caring for someone you love.