Cheer us up with your best joke/funny story

Maths tutor states that two positives can never result in a negative. Scotsman at back of room says "Aye, right"

I don't often go the extra mile these days but when I do it's usually because I've missed my exit.

I bought a new wig, made out of bum hair.
Damn thing kept blowing off.

A prison bus and a cement mixer collide on the motorway. Police have advised people to keep an eye out for the hardened criminals.

I heard there’s a new medicine out for erectile disfunction….

It’s called mycoxaflopyn

Julie Andrews Turns 70

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan bsp;'s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favourite Things' from the legendary
movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
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(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things...

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
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(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please
share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humour with others who
would appreciate it)

1]A horse walks into a bar 'Why the long face' says the barman.
2] What's pink and wrinkled and hangs out Granddads pants
Grandad
3]With the permission of the Reverend Mother two nuns walk into town to get some shopping. On the way there two men leap out of some bushes and ravage and have their way with the two women. They decide to carry on with the shopping trip as it's so rare for them to get out. On the way back one nun says 'I do hope that doesn't happen again' the other replies 'Well it should as we're going back that way again' .

A dyslexic man walks into a bra..........

Wife to husband: Would you marry again if I died first?

Husband: Not straight away after some years perhaps

Wife. Would you sleep with her in this bed?

Husband; No of course not

Wife; Would you let her wear my jewellery?

Husband; No of course not

Wife; Would you give her my golf clubs then?

Husband; No, of course not she's left handed!

Or just plain daft

My DH must have been thinking about buying new boots for a while, then...!

My DS texted me this one:

Local police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 6 people up the backside in the last 48 hours. Police believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern.

Oh, ff! Was just going to call my H to tell him but realised in time it might be diplomatic not to!

The saga of Marge and Bert ...

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

Absent, that's brilliant!

A couple had been married for many years during which time they had had quite a few rows. One day, the husband said to his wife, "We'd have far less arguments if you weren't such a pedant".

"Fewer," she replied.

silverfox, that's not a joke, that's true.

There are two people in a marriage. One is always right and the other one is a husband.

Tim Vine, methinks!

bikerdave Have you been watching Mock the Week?

Crime in multi-storey car parks - it's wrong on so many levels.

Yesterday I ordered 400 bottles of Tippex - I realised it was a big mistake.

Russian dolls - they're so full of themselves!

Having just paid £30 for a dental check up and facing a bill of nearly £90 to have a single small filling - that post seems less of a joke and more of a commentary on dentist bills to me!

"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand on the drill." Johnny Carson

My daughter e-mailed this to me this morning.

An elderly couple went into a café and ordered a single hamburger, one portion of chips and a soft drink. They sat down at a table and the man put the glass in the middle and then proceeded to cut the plain hamburger in half. He put one half in front of his wife and the other in front of himself. He counted out the chips and put one stack in front of his wife and one in front of himself.

He took a bite of the hamburger and she took a sip of the drink, then he ate a chip and she took another sip of the drink.

The other customers were beginning to feel a little uncomfortable. A young man walked over to the couple's table and said, "I don't want to be intrusive, but would you let me buy another meal for you?"

The man replied, "Oh, no thank you very much. You see we've been married for 60 years and we share everything". He took another bite of the hamburger and she had another sip of the drink.

This went on until the young man couldn't stand it any longer and returned to the table. "Please let me buy you another meal. I really should like to," he said. This time the woman replied, "That's really very kind but you see we have been married for 60 years and we share everything". The young man watched her take another sip of the drink while her husband finished his last chip. Finally, he burst out, "But you haven't eaten a thing. What are you waiting for?"

"The teeth," she said.

Oh dear.

There you go jangly, a bit of humour!