Cheer us up with your best joke/funny story

What did the elf use to get bigger?

Elf-raising flour.

What do you call a ghost's mother and father?

Transparents!

Why are pirates called pirates?

because they aaaaarrrrrgh!

Curtesy of & year old grandson Adaam

My 6 year old DGD loves trying to make up jokes which are usually a bit rubbish but she came up with quite an amusing one (if not a little naughty!!) for a child of her age. Her Mummy had just given her some Edam cheese and she said to her Mummy. " Mummy I have a joke for you. What do you say if you drop some Edam cheese on the floor?"
Answer - Eeee damn!!

Man in restaurant, peering at soup plate: "Waiter, what is this?"
Waiter: "It's bean soup, sir".
Man: "I can see it's been soup - what is it now!"

Okay, I'll do better next time (if I can think of any clean ones!)

My grandson just came up with this:
Police report: A cartoon artist has been killed in his apartments.....details so far are sketchy...

Lovely - I've worked up to a smile. Keep them coming folks.

One time, I was going up the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Most of mine come from servicemen or undertakers so are not suitable for this site!!!!!

Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat?".

Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.

"What?! You shouldn't have told the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me he was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get him down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny.

Bobby apologized and went about his day.

About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny?".

There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."

What do dogs call parking meters?

Pay toilets.

What's brown and sticky? - A stick.

I wonder if The Queen ever pulls the covers up to her chin and says "Philip look! I'm a stamp!"

christineH

Very silly but it made me laugh!

Oh, gotta tell that one to the grandkids Christine!

Q - What's brown and steams out of cows backwards?
A - The Isle of Wight Ferry
(Sorry I had to spell Cowes wrong for that one. It's a verbal joke)

Then of course there is

Q - What's yellow and dangerous?
A - Shark-infested custard.

and that sequence that starts
Q - How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
A - Two in the front, two in the back.

and goes on
Q - How do you get four giraffes into a Mini?
A - First you take out the elephants ........

christineH Funniest yet - made me laugh out loud!

Q - What do you call a girl with a sausage on her head?

A - Barbie

My favourites...

Q - what's brown and sits on a piano stool?

A - Beethoven's last movement

Q - what's brown and half the size & sits on a piano stool?

A - Schubert's unfinished

Q - What do you call a girl halfway up a tennis court?

A - Annette

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea!

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea!

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and is on fire?

Still no flaming idea!

A gang of thieves broke into a blood bank last night and stole a hundred pints of blood. Police are still hunting for the clots.

Whats yellow and black and goes "zzub zzub zzub"

A bee flying backwards.

From DGs aged 8

You're travelling through the US and terrible storms arise. As you fight your way through high winds and impending floods, you see a figure precariously gripping the branch of a tree directly over a surging river. You look closer, as the branch begins to crack, and realise it's George W. Bush. You have seconds to make up your mind as he sinks closer and closer to the raging torrent below. What do you do?

You whisk out your camera but do you photograph him in black and white or in colour?