This made me laugh.......

My gran used to say this all the time! But I agree that elbow is a bit off beam!

What's your elbow got to do with it?

Do you not know your arse from your elbow?

I think this may be too rude, so I'll just post the first bit!

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Yes - although I thought at first it was a true story and that you must have had a sex-change, nanaej!

Love it, nanej!

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........!

Another good one besottedgran!

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming,so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orangeand grapefruit trees.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast..

marvellous!

That's a good one!

I love clever jokes like that one

On his 69th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he would be getting.

The old medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, said some words in his native language and handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'."

"When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?

The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4.' But when she does the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife became very excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that folks is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because you could end up with a dangling participle!

Oh, Annika !

capable ....... two things a bull fighter needs

Nice one Annika!!! .. I can relate to that .. eh?

The price of hearing aids has gone up?Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"

The burglar and the parrot joke

A burgler breaks into a house and starts collecting all the valuables. Suddenly he hears a very soft voice behind him saying “Jesus is watching you. Jesus is watching you.”

Thinking he is just hearing things he continues collecting up all the valuables.

Again the soft voice says “Jesus is watching you.” The burgler turns round to see a parrot behind him. He asks the parrot if it was him talking. The parrot says yes.

The burgler then says to the parrot “What's your name?”

The Parrot answers “Moses.”

“What kind of people name their parrot Moses?” asks the burgler.

“The same kind of people who name their pit bull Jesus,” says the parrot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The dead dog joke

A man runs into a vets with his limp dog in his arms asking to see a vet. The nurse ushers him into the examination room. The vet comes in and gives the dog an examination. He tells the man his dog is dead. The man is very upset and asks for a second opinion.

The vet goes out and returns with a cat. He puts the cat on the dog. The cat starts walking over the dog starting at its head, down its body, all the way to its tail. The cat turns to the vet and shakes its head.

The vet turns to the man and says, “I am very sorry but your dog is dead.”

The man is inconsolable and asks for another opinion.

The vet goes out and brings in a black labrador. He puts the labrador on the dead dog and it procedes to sniff the animal from head to tail. The labrador looks up at the Vet and shakes its head. Again the vet turns to the man and says, “I am very sorry but your dog is dead.”

The man is very sad and asks for his bill. They walk out into the reception area and he is handed the bill for a thousand pounds.

“What's this,” the man asks. “All this money just to tell me that my dog is dead?”

“Well,” said the Vet. “My initial examination would only have cost you ten pounds but you did ask for the CAT SCAN and the LAB TEST.”

Greatnan thank you! Sorry we won't have time to meet while you are in Kent, but I will raise a to you at an appropriate time!

Hope no-one takes offence at any of these but they are funny.

1. Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, its all tongue and groove...

2. A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say its definitely race related...

3 . Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...

4. Paddy got a letter from Screw-Fix Direct thanking him for his interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...

5. The lead actor in the local Pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped, by the gay genie on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his
Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives
when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was
how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results
when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives
in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,
"My bike."

I am off to England for two weeks for the first wedding amongst my ten grandchildren, and as my sister does not have internet I may not be able to post any jokes, so I will leave it to the rest of you to find some!

The scam about asking for emergency funds has been around for a long time - I am surprised they still think anyone will fall for it.