This made me laugh.......

I don"t think this is quite the right thread but anyway here goes , THIS IS NOT A JOKE ! really oh has just said that he has been sent a email by an x colleague to send over 2.000 euros as he is stranded on the continent. Gave it some thought and realised it was a scam , so laughed a lot but then said this NOT funny , say he had fallen for it , bit scary eh and also how do these people get on to sights . You always think it will never happen to you but it does [bit shocked]

Annika - and so topical!

The President of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the upcoming London Olympic Games.
He told us, 'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.'

At the Olympic Games, Rhoda meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick.
'Excuse me,' says Rhoda to the man. 'Are you a pole vaulter?'
'No,"' says the man, 'I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?'

Apparently the maid I hired to clean my house while I was watching the London Olympics was only second best.
She just walked off with the silver.

Why isn't "sun tanning" an Olympic sport at London 2012? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

Pete Jones turned up for the Olympics with some barbed wire under his arm, and came third in the fencing

Greatnan love number 8 on the list.

Excuse Me, Your Fly Is Unzipped
1. "The cucumber has left the salad."

2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."

3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."

4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."

5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"

6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."

8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."

9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"

10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis."

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear,

and would be the best- dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new,

young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,

and I'm wearing it,'' she replied .

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said ,

''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress.

After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did

find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,

''Aren't you going to return the other dress?

You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied ,

''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night
before the wedding.''

Greatnan he most certainly did. Asked me to say how right you are!

I knew you would take it in good part, soop - I hope your son did!

Greatnan... "Box of frogs..." That expression made me laugh.

Pearly Gates

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done
anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one
thing," the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out
in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young
woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't
listen!

So, I approached the largest and most
heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike
over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the
ground.! Then, I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the ####
out of all of you!"

St. Peter was
impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...

Reposted from 'We need more jokes please 'thread!

Sent to me by a Kiwi!!!

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep
and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his
two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was Julia Gillard.
That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in
and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she
could do for him.

He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk!

The Golden Years!
SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyse myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop..
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze..

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

Excellent!

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

Love it Amber!

Little Sam asked his daddy for a bike for his birthday, his dad said sorry son, but your mum has lost her job and with an 80 grand mortgage I cant afford it, the next day Sam was walking out the door with his suitcase packed, where are you going son? asked his dad, Sam said I walked past your room last night and heard you saying to mum that you were pulling out,then she said no wait cos I'm coming too. I'm not staying here on my own with an 80 grand mortgage and no F**** bike!!

Repeating a post I sent to "More jokes needed" on here so as to get the numbers up - A radio request programme played a tune for someone in "Bee-arse-den" normally known as Bearsden.

Not up to Greatnan's standards, sorry.

A man is in the grocery store when a pretty woman smiles at him and says hello. He's rather aback and can't place her.

"Do I know you?" he asks".
"I think you're the father of one of my kids," she says.

He racks his brain to think of how that could be. Then he remembers the only time he has been unfaithful to his wife.

"Wow," he sats. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party, who tied me down on the pool table, and did it with me, with all my buddies cheering, while your friend sprayed whipped cream on my butt? Boy, that was insane.:

"No," she says. "I think I'm your son's maths teacher."

A few one liners to get us nearer to 1,000 Greatnan....

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Men have two emotions, Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black male organs, but the one in the middle had a pink organ.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink organ also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,

'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch…

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the ar*e, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom

May I say that I am allowed to post 'Irish' jokes because my mother was Irish! Otherwise, I think I might get away with the odd Ozzie or Deep South USA stereotypes!

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them,

“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him,

"You gonna try again