This made me laugh.......

jeni, we probably didn't know you then. But the question is: what is sanity? Now there's a philosophical conundrum, not entirely compatible with the theme of this thread.

Received this from a friend and thought I'd already posted it but it seems to have disappeared. Groanworthy puns indeed:

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington .

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Greatnan

Welcome misunderstood

Behind the table sat 3 very important looking men who it turned out were members of M I 5....They were there to interview prospective spies and took their job very seriously...

Into the room came candidate no 1 after a few questions he was told to enter the room opposite and there he would find someone seated...he was given a gun and told to shoot them...On finding that the person was his wife he rushed back to the table and told the 3 people that he could not possibly do this and left..

several more young men came and went in the same manner and was told that this was the final test and that they had failed..

Eventually a young woman came in and was interviewed and given the gun..
after a few deep breaths she hurled herself into the room determined to do her best..3 loud bangs were heard and then the most awful thud...on returning to the table she was congratulated on being able to take orders thankfully the gun fires blanks...I realised that after the third shot she said so I picked up the chair and beat him to death..

------------------------------------------------------------------------

FAMOUS QUOTES:

1) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." (Sharon Stone)

2) Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
(Courtney Cox, Monica on "Friends")

3) "I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
(Jerry Garcia-Grateful Dead)

4) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
(Barbara Bush, Former US First Lady)

5) “ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. (Robin Williams)

6) Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. (Billy Crystal)

7) Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. (Rod Stewart)

"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
(Bruce Willis - on the difference between men and women)

9) "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." (George Burns)

10) "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." (Carmen Boyle - Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)

11) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
(Henry Kissenger)-(former US Secretary of State)

12) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." (the late Steve Jobs - Founder of Apple Computers)

13) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee – the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." (Dan Rather - news anchorman)

14) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" (Arnold Schwarzenegger)

15) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods)
16) "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
(Axel Rose - Guns'n'Roses)

17) "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." (Rev. Jesse Jackson)

1 "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
(Jack Nicholson)

19) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. (Roseanne)

20) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful.
(Robert De Niro)

21) In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra...Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
(Hugh Grant)

22) There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? (Dustin Hoffman)

23) When the sun comes up, I have morals again. (Elizabeth Taylor)

24) There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." (Jerry Seinfield)

25) AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS:

”See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” (Robin Williams)

Hugh Grant is funny isn't he. My DIL was beside herself - when she and DS went out on her birthday they were in the same restaurant as Hugh! Out in Oz publicising Pirate movie.

Isn't Arnold horrible?

I was in California when he was running for election. The anti posters were urging people not to vote for "conan"

Warning - do not read this joke if you do not like sexual innuendo! GN

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A golfer whose home overlooked the golf course, hired a hitman because he suspected his wife was playing around whilst he was playing a round.

Through his rifle's telescopic sight, the hitman could see into the guy's bedroom from the 1st tee.

"They're at it now" he tells the guy, "What do you want done, I charge 10,000 per person"

"I want her shot through the head and him shot in the balls" says the guy.

"No probs" says the hitman, who lines up his rifle and fires one shot.

"That'll be 20,000 please' says the hitman.

"But you only fired one shot" says guy.

"Yep, 20,000 please"

!



Subject: HUMAN BODY

Very informative!

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by
his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The
paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen
quickly responded,

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place......smack him again!"

Greatnan Brilliant! Especially the one about the thumbs!

Greatnan...Mr soop was caught out by that one.

...he's climbing the ladder into the loft and I can here him chortling away to himself.

Soop - I have to be careful which jokes I choose because not everybody is as broad-minded as you and Mr. Soop!

...and he's still chuckling. I love that joke!

For those of you with an OH....

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office in
West Geelong after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today

Dear Lions Bay School

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior
Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Geelong Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a
dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I
could tell her to f* off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna

I've only just read through some of this thread for the first time and have been weeping with laughter greatnan where do you get them all, absolute classics! Keeping me going until "The Bridge" starts at 9p.m.

Thanks, Moomin - I just cut and paste them from some of my expat forums!
I have copied so many now that I will probably repeat some because it takes too long to go back over all my posts!

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Why we love children..


Anglophone-Direct.com Forum Index -> Jokes, word games etc
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Marguerite & Steve
Rank 5

Joined: 21 Dec 2005
Posts: 3419
Location: Charente ex PO
Posted: Tue 24 Aug 2010 14:38 Post subject: Why we love children..

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why We Love Children !!!!!!! (or not!!!)

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.......'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad..'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my maths homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in maths?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

Oops - I forgot to delete the intro to my last post! Never mind, I asked him if I could pinch his jokes and he was quite flattered.