This made me laugh.......

JUST CAN'T GET ANYTHING RIGHT

Last week the Wife said I was boring and asked why I didn't do something useful rather than spending so much
time on the computer. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're 74 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes? You'll be
lucky you if you're not killed the first time you try it!"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute
Club!"

Now I'm really in trouble and don't know what to do! I'm signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon comes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the ass - and they are interchangeable'

Love it!

DH and I have laughed ourselves silly

Elephants never forget.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter lifted its front foot off the ground and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Wasn't the same elephant, I know they all look the same.

This line rang true for me: Knowing all the answers and nobody asks you the questions! Greatnan.

>
>Summary of Life
>
>GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

>1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
>2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
>3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
>person.
>4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
>5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
>6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
>7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
> You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
>9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
>10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
>
>
>
>GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

>1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
>2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
>3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
>4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
>5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
>6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy...
>
>GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
>
>1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
>2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
>3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
>4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
>you once got from a roller coaster.
>5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you
>the questions...
>6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
>7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
>
>THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
>
>1) You believe in Santa Claus.
>2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
>3) You are Santa Claus..
>4) You look like Santa Claus.
>
>
>SUCCESS:
>
>At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
>At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
>At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
>At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
>At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
>At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
>At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
>At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

MURDER AT TESCO

Tired of constantly Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend'
Put him in touch with a strange, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few
Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However,
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave
the premises.

Under intense
Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the
newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're
Going to hate me for this...)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco

Cardiologist's funeral
A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. a huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said " I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the (proctologist) fainted.
....................... (anus specialist)

greatnan

I've got a brilliant new guard dog. He won't let anybody in. He's a UK Border collie.

I had a very happy childhood. My Dad loved to put me in a tyre and roll me down hill. Those were the Goodyear's.

I love eBay. I've sold my homing pigeon eight times.

I told my travel agent that I wanted to go to Paris. He said "Eurostar?" "Well, I've been on TV a couple of times."

The Canadian government has set up a lottery but only for their indigenous people. You have to be Inuit to win it!

I phoned Seaworld the other day. A recorded message said "Your call may be recorded for training porpoises".

A huge treat to chuckle with Greatnan

Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.

'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'

'I'm God,' said the stranger.

'Pardon?'

'I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!'

Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.

'Your reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on me altar who claims he's God. What'll he do?'

Take no chances,' said the archbishop. 'Get back in the church and look busy!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:

'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'

'Hang on, Sisters,' spluttered Murphy. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?'

'Very well,' said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!'

'OK,' said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a cup?'

'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

I don't get that one...

I have just spent the last hour copying and pasteing a lot of these to send to my brother in Australia!!!

Anagram think the blonde [being blonde] found the husband having sex with the boss,and she didnt want to get caught going home from work early

(Light bulb comes on!)
Thanks, nellie! I'm not usually that slow!

Err are you blonde Anagram

nellie that's funnier than the joke!

Hmph!

Six Truths in Life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.

2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

3. And discover #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

Caught me out!

and me!

Me too!

And me, but made me laugh!