This made me laugh.......

What is the smallest calibre you trust to protect yourself?
The Beretta Jetfire:
My personal favourite defence gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave without it in my pocket.
Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". This means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend, companion, or family member because if something happens there is someone to go to get help.
I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta and out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today.
Just one shot to my girlfriend's knee cap was all it took.....the bear
got her and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection...

Sorry - greatnan!

I needed a laugh - and I've certainly had one!

Hey that's good

Man Killed on Golf Course . . .

The Price of Honesty!

A foursome of men is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f * * * ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
Hurt!!!!!!

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

...................................
............. .............

Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!

Dating in the 60s

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she

welcomed Fred in.

"Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said.

Mum brought in the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,

maybe take a walk on the beach."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mum informed him.

"Really?" Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.

"Oh yes," the mother continued, "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!

Screw, again and again!!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulously...

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip!'", Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink

blouse and a hooped skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the

front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mum!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

"The bloody dance is called the Twist!!!"

Some naughty jokes are very very funny. Trouble is, on some forums people seem to vie with each other to get naughtier and naughtier until they are just crude and cease to be funny.

What you really mean, Greatnan is that we shouldn't read them!

I don't seek out naughty jokes - it is just that often they are the only ones I can find on my ex-pat forums! You should read some of the ones I reject!

This is not a naughty one. Sorry.

The librarian noticed a hen and a frog muttering together beside the bookshelves. The hen would take down a volume and hand it to the frog, who threw it over his shoulder onto a growing pile of rejects. This went on for some time, so she went closer to listen.

As the hen reached for another and handed it over she said "buk!."
"Reddi!" replied the frog and discarded it.

"Buk!"
"Reddit!"
"Buk!"
"Reddit!"
"Buk!"
"Reddit"!

Greatnan...Wicked!

A woman was complaining about lower body pains, and after a few weeks her old man got fed up with her moaning, so told her to get round to the doctors, there she was given 42 tablets to be taken twice a day one in the morning and the other at night, after a fortnight, the pain had stopped so she didn't bother taking the rest of the tablets, about six months later her husband woke up with terrible lower body pains, he was tossing and turning so much that neither could sleep, so in desperation she said to her husband look I've still got a few of those tablets left how about you having one, he said give me two so I can get some rest, in the morning he woke up with a terrific swollen neck, it looked like he had mumps only a lot worse, so he panics and goes to see the doctor, the doctor examines him and asks if he had taken any medicine, he says , doctor I had such terrible pains like the wife had a few months ago last night so I took a couple of the tablets you gave to her which she had over

The doctor said, GOOD GOD Man, I was treating your wife for a prolapsed womb !!!!!!!!!

HOW THE HELL am I going to get your balls down from around your throat

Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old,
But they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married,
So Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.

Billy bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love
And I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Billy, you're only 12..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Billy replies,
"In Lucy's room.
It's bigger than mine
And we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Lucy."

Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money,
Lucy gets five pounds a week
And I get 8 pounds' that's about 52 pounds a month
So that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Billy has put so much thought into this.

"Well Billy, It seems like you have everything worked out.
I just have one more question.

What will you do if the two of you should have
Little children of your own?"
Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable

Notso - nice one!

There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

Notso...laughing and spluttering.
Welcome back Greatnan get cracking with those chores and back to us asap. xx

Never mind all that Greatnan - it's good to have you back. You've been missed. xx

Welcome back G we missed you. Here and on more serious threads.

He said.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

N.B. Normal service (daily joke) will be resumed as soon as possible - i.e. after I get home from juragran's, unpack, read my mail, do a big food shop, laundry, etc..........

like it!

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing of every problem they ever had in the years
they had been married.

On and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs
she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to
stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband
watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I fish."

Anagram

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened aNew Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.