Bereavement counselling

It was offered by the hospice at home team when DH died. I did go along several times and found talking about things I couldn't talk to family about helped me. If you are struggling then no harm in giving a try.

HelterSkelter1, I’m sorry for your loss. Those words might not bring much comfort, especially when they’re from someone you don’t know, but there are no words that really bring comfort at this time.
My husband died 18 months ago after a long illness. We’d been together for 55 years.
My GP asked me if I’d like to see the Talking Therapist who was based at my surgery. I did visit this person and he really did help me to put things into perspective. I saw him over a number of weeks until I decided I might not need to keep seeing him. He said that I could go back any time if I felt the need to.
It’s such early days for you, but it might just help you if you could speak to someone. 💐

So sorry HelterSkelter1 really... only 12 weeks since losing your DH.

It's well over 12 months for me, but sometimes the grief is as raw as it was in the beginning.

Do you need counselling? Go by how you feel I think. If you feel you really want to - must talk to someone then that's the time.

I thought about it, but decided ultimately that what I really wanted to do - was talk about him, and I did, with people who knew him.

It's still very early days for you .

Can't advise who to contact - but, maybe try online counselling within a group to start with, to see how that feels and if it offers any comfort?

The hospice contact/nurse said she would refer me for counselling at I think 12 weeks. So she could well contact me soon. But I expect I will have to make the first move.

The GP have offered nothing. I expect I would have to request it from the surgery.
I am just wondering which agency GNs found helpful.
Telephone or face to face? Individual or part of a group?
I am reluctant to be part of the group I see in the local library as I feel that is advertising you are on your own and maybe vulnerable.

I have my first session this week. It’s one-to-one in person at the place where Dh died.

They did indeed contact me at around 12 weeks after, but the waiting list for 1-2-1 was long so it’s taken another three months for me to get to the top of the list.

I am sorry your husband has died.
I had some counselling from CRUSE. It was over the phone as it was during covid.
I did find it helpful to offload all the years of challenges onto an outside person as my DDs had their own grieving to do and did not need to hear about all I had been dealing with.
It is such early days for you and many of us know how hard this is. You will learn to live alongside this loss as time goes by. Take care.

Never offered it, but wouldn’t want it.
It’s just not for me, but we’re all different.

Thank you for your replies

I have been seeing a private thesis for the part two years. It’s someone to talk/yell at and get the frustration and injustice out.
Gp/nhs talking therapies just offers a ten minute tick box exercise for six weeks in my experience and medication. - not helpful in my experience, patronising at best. St Giles and macmillan bereavement therapy said I was “too grief stricken” to be allowed to attend either of their groups.
Guess who do not get my charity.

The MacMillan nurse rang me a few days after Himself died suggesting I might wish to try some counselling sessions ‘in view of the last awful ten months’. I said I’d think about it.

A few weeks on, after I’d dealt with the ‘sadmin’ I thought why not? Give it a go and if I don’t find it helping just say thank you for your time and move on.

Long story short I attended for eight 1-1 sessions. One hour. I cried so much those first 3 but I felt lighter afterwards. My chest had felt so heavy, as though full of wet sand.

I shared so much with my counsellor. He listened, passed me tissues, helped me to explore my fears, memories and feelings.

Whatever you decide OP I’m sorry for your loss. It’s beyond devastating isn’t it? Until it happened to me I had no real idea. My best wishes to you going forward.

DH died during COVID so nobody to see face to face. I tried Cruse but I am sorry to say it wasn't for me. A crackling phoneline. I couldn't hear her and when I did it seemed she was in a worse state than I was. It's widows supporting eachother.

My friends, family and Gransnet have been my best support.

So sorry for you. It's hard.

I do not think that CRUSE is widows supporting each other. There are trained counsellors and that came through loud and clear with the man I was speaking to.

Thank you everyone. I agree FGT until it happens you have no idea how devastating it is. A rollercoaster of emotions.

At the moment it is the emptiness of the house which is so difficult. Not the quietness as I have radios on upstairs and down. Coming back indoors after I have been out is just awful. But I know I will have to get used to it.

This afternoon I have been reading the Sue Ryder website information. So helpful. And time after time it was exactly how I am feeling. I will carry on and see what actual support they offer.
I also put my contact details on the Cruse website.
I hope the hospice contacts me soon. If not I will contact them.

I also have a membership with Benenden Health so I will see what they offer as well.

I am not going to rush as it is still early days. I will choose what sounds the best for me and probably will have a wait.

HelterSkelter1, I also found the Sue Ryder website very helpful.

I had bereavement counselling from my local hospice. I was offered a choice of phone or face to face counselling. My son was not being treated by them, but I found the details after searching for bereavement counselling. I am currently attending a bereavement group. It has all been very helpful.
They also have "drop in points" with informal get togethers for the bereaved. I think most hospices offer counselling.

Cruse and Sue Ryder offer counselling. The Compassionate Friends help those who have lost a child. Sue Ryder has an online forum.

Your local church or synagogue might have a bereavement group. Also, look up Grief Cafes.

I am glad to hear that about Cruse Lucky girl. I can only speak from my own experience and perhaps that was the dreadful COVID effect.
Cruse began in the 1950s and I know my mother went to them for support . Activities were arranged for us DC while our mothers were given space to share their experiences.

There was a monthly newsletter with lots of household tips for feeding the family cheaply.

I’m sorry for your loss HelterSkelter. I agree with FGTs statement “beyond devastating”. Like many of us here, I’d become a carer along with being a loving wife. I had experienced bereavement but nothing prepared me for the reality.
My GP offered sessions with their mental health worker. I decided to see a therapist privately. I found the sessions helped me to process some grief and trauma. To have a safe space to weep and talk about it, without feeling the need to support others.

We respond individually to this loss. My experience is that gradually, the grief has become less overwhelming. I don’t weep every time I talk about him. I’m grateful for the life and love we shared. I miss him, especially miss laughing together, long walks, pub lunches, the ordinary happy things in life. I do know I’ve been lucky
Look after yourself HelterSkelter, grief can lower our resilience x

Good Morning HelterSkelter1 .

What a thoughtful post Iam64. I too agree with FGT, and you - the grief can be beyond devastating.

We - all posting here - have lost the person we anchored our lives around, so we've lost part of ourselves too.

* the person we anchored our lives around*

That resonates with me. I felt at sea, lost riding the waves without knowing where I was going. I didn’t feel able to say that to our adult children who were grieving whilst supporting our grief stricken grandchildren.
Gransnet can be such a good place to reflect and support each other

It’s being part of a group isn’t it that no one wants to join and it’s all so incredibly sorrowful. Some days (hours only at the beginning) are easier than others - then BAM! - the awful reality just slams into you that he really is just GONE.

That’s why I described it as beyond devastating.

And yet as individuals we are all so different. Some of us cope better than others at this unwelcome stage in life. Some of us need more support and TLC. There’s no right or ‘wrong’ way to deal with grief.

Take my sister in Spain for example. She’s a strong cookie. Her husband died only 5 weeks ago after a leg amputation this summer. He was older than her at 82. She will be 70 in January.

When Himself died 8 months ago she was very surprised I was going to counselling sessions. “Just get on with it sis” she said “you don’t need a professional counsellor!”.

I explained my thought processes were that it could do no harm to sit and cry for an hour, oversharing with a stranger, as if I dint feel it was helping I could stop any time (or even request a different counsellor - they don’t take it personally apparently if the fit isn’t there!). “Fair enough” was her reply.

And so far she’s pretty much doing absolutely fine. She has no children, so no grandchildren, but a dog to take out for walks in the fresh air along the beach who relies on her. She’s coping. She has one or two neighbours who care but she’s more of a self contained person, likes her solitude, doesn’t feel the need to socialise (we are so different!) and accepts her grief as something she herself will work through and ‘come to terms with, just like mum had to at 45y sis. There was no such thing as counselling back then.’

All I’m saying in my less than succinct way, is that we acknowledge our own strengths and weaknesses and do what is right for US.

It’s very early days for you HelterSkelter and I feel for you. Time really does heal. These sayings become cliches because they’ve stood the test of time. Hang on in there. One day your grief will smooth (a little) and tgat way you will, with baby steps, discover acceptance. That’s your turning point.

Someone who I have considered wise gave me something to think about crying, so if I wanted to that’s what I did. I didn’t think I needed counselling. I did read a lot of things about grief for a while until one day I felt it was making me feel worse.
Things slowly got better and it’s now not far off eleven years. Late summer early autumn two years ago I found myself plunged into fresh grief at my loss. I had no idea where it came from. I got over it and although I’ve always known he is gone forever it’s only this year following that I’ve been spending money to have things done that we would have done together I really know he is never coming back. He won’t see what I have had done and I that is how it will be and that he would be proud of me for getting on with stuff.

Helterskelter said At the moment it is the emptiness of the house which is so difficult. Not the quietness as I have radios on upstairs and down. Coming back indoors after I have been out is just awful. But I know I will have to get used to it.

I hear you, Helterskelter, you sum it up exactly. I do have two cats who are company but it’s the emptiness. I’ve come to understand that so much of the life I had was about wanting to do things for others. For example was never my favourite task but I wanted to do it for my Dh. Not in a subservient 1950’s way but because I wanted him be happy, the same as he did things to make me happy. Now, I’d happily live on food pills if there was such a thing. I can’t see the point in cooking for myself.

I liked to do the garden so we could share the rewards together, plan holidays that we both enjoyed, create a Christmas that was memorable etc. I feel like I’m living in a vacuum now, I suppose. It’s not that we were never apart, his job meant we spent weeks and sometimes months apart, but then, I always had a child or two at home. It’s a bit If a tree falls in a forest I guess.

A friend who was widowed 7 years ago (she’s my age now 72). said “we weren’t joined at the hip but at the heart.” Sweet.