This made me laugh.......

Elegran I am going to bed laughing. Merci beaucoup.

phoenix More giggling going to bed. Thank you.

Love that last one!

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great . . . that's just great . . . Some arsehole's got my pen......

A mummy pigeon was flying along with her baby pigeon at her side. The little one was finding it hard to keep up. Mummy pigeon said "Hold on to this piece of string and I will pull you along". Baby pigeon howled "NOOOOOOO!!!! I don't wanna be pigeon towed!!!!!""

You may have heard this before as I put it on the last one of these threads that we had.

(lifted it from Sagazone)

A woman was setting up her husband's computer for him. When she had finished, she explained that he needed a password and that he should choose something that was special to him so that he would remember it easily. He thought for a moment and then winked at her. However, she was less than delighted when she saw him key in the word penis.

The next minute she was helpless with laughter as a message had come up on the screen.

Too short. Access denied.

Thank you!

absentgrana Brilliant.

absent,

Woman goes into greengrocers and asks for some broccoli.
"Sorry ma'am, we don't have any, but we have some nice spring greens."
"I want some broccoli" says she.
"Sorry ma'am, we don't have any, but we have some nice purple sprouting"
"I want some broccoli" says she.
"You any good at spelling?" he asks
"Yes" says she.
"Can you spell rot as in carrot?"
"Yes" says she.
"Can you spell grace as in graceful?"
"Yes" says she.
"Can you spell f**k as in broccoli?"
"There's no f**k in broccoli" says she.

"Exactly" says the greengrocer.

Man loses vital organ in nasty workplace accident, and surgeon breaks the bad news that it is gone for good. But - the good news is that it can be replaced with a all-singing, all-dancing prosthesis, but not on the NHS. Replacement is charged at £1000 per inch, so he needs to choose to go for a modest £4,000 job, or perhaps push the boat out and have the £12,000 one. Surgeon suggests patient should discuss with his wife and they will talk again.
Next day the surgeon returns and asks if he has managed to discuss with wife and what the decision is.
Man looks a bit sheepish and says "We're having a new kitchen."

Two rabbits and a hedgehog were standing by the side of a busy road. The hedgehog turns to the rabbits and says ''how do you guys manage to cross the road without getting squished ?'' The rabbits said ''When you see a car approaching just position yourself between the headlights and you should be perfectly safe'' The hedgehog sets off , a car comes along ,Hedgehog positions himself between the headlights and-squish! The rabbits look at each other and say''Well I never, how many times do we see a Robin Reliant along this road!''

A Tyneside girl goes into the hairdressers and says "Why aye, can I have a perm, please?"

The salon manager replies, "Of course y'can, pet, "I wandered lonely as a cloud.........."

A lady went into a bakers in Glasgow (or it might have been Edinburgh?) and asked "Is that a sponge cake or a meringue?"

The baker replied " No, you're right hen, it's a sponge cake."

Do you get it? Do you, do you?!!!!

Yes I do, I do, I doooo!!!!

Yea! After some thought.
Reminds ne of the black country couple going roun a building site. The wench turns to 'er bloke and asks"they bay bay windows baint 'um?"

_________________________________________________________________________
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.
'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
She better not crap in the vegetable garden again!'

The cabby turned round and said “You Sir are my hero!”

Where would you be…

if you had all the money you could possible want
if you had no worries
if you came home to the finest of fine meals
if you came home and your bath had been run and filled with sweet-smelling unguents
if you had perfect children
if you had prize-winning pets
if your partner was awaiting you with open arms and kisses?

Hello! You'd be in the wrong damn house.

greatnan I am just wiping the tears away.

Telephone in the White House rang. "Hello Mr. Bush," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Santa down in Ludhiana, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Santa ," Bush replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Santa after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my friend Banta , my next door neighbour Gurinder and the entire Kabbadi team from the Village. That makes 8!"
Bush sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word"
"OK," says Santa . "I`ll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Santa calls back."Right Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Santa ?" Bush asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Gill`s tractor from the farm"
Once more Bush sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 minelayers, 10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"
"I`ll be dogged!" says Santa . "I`ll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Santa calls again the next day."Right Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We`ve gotten out old Govind`s crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the Hockey team has joined us as well!"
Once more Bush sighs and says "I must tell you Santa that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes and my military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oh cripes," says Santa . "I`ll have to ring you back"
Santa calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Bush, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"
"I`m very happy to hear that," says Bush. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Santa , "We`ve all had a chat and found that there`s no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war"

Carol

The Black Bra. (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress; and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. . .
Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me in a black leather bodice, tall stilettoes and a mask. When he saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat. Under it only the black bra, heels and the mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettoes, and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Zorro?'

Greatnan I love that one, it's exactly what my first husband would have said! Shortly before I hit him with a pan!

And it's exactly what CH would say now!

DH of course!

John, a student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel just before the car hit the curve. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

Look!....there's that &*%$ idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

lovely.