This made me laugh.......

oh dear. those are quite unpleasant. please feel free to exercise editorial control. greatnan

Various quotations to do with drinking.. feel free to add more!
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
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"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but
food and water."
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"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
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After a heavy night on the drink you wake up and discover your waterbed broke. And then you realize you don't have a waterbed..
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"Your glass is empty, Hennessey. Will you be having another one?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied Hennessey.

Don't blame the messenger...................

Aussie stockman checking the cattle miles away from the farm, calls up his boss on the 2 way radio;
"Hey boss, I need some advice",
Boss: "What's wrong?"
Stockman: "I just run over a pig!",
Boss: "So, what's the problem?"
Stockman: "Well boss, it aint dead and it's making some awful noises!"
Boss: "Behind the seat in the pickup theres a .303 and ammo. Put a round through it's head and put it out of its misery."
Stockman: "You sure boss, it sounds mighty cruel!"
Boss: "No boy, it's the kindest solution. The pig won't feel a thing. Let me know when you've done it."
After around 5 minutes, the stockman gets back on the radio;
"Hey boss, I've got another problem."
Boss: "What, have you not killed the pig yet?"
Stockman: "No boss, the pigs dead - it's the pickup!"
Boss: "Did you damage it when you hit the pig?"
Stockman: "Don't think so boss. It's just the blue flashing light on the pig's motor cycle is jammed hard under the wheel arch!"
"Boss, boss, ...... you still there boss?"

Only in America!

He should have pleaded spontaneous combustion.....

Neat. Smart arse deserved it if true.

LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND
POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina

A lawyer purchased a box of very
rare and expensive cigars, then insured them
against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire
stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer
filed a claim against the insurance company

In his claim, the lawyer stated the
cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to
pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man
had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars

were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers
Award Contest.

flump, love the silent treatment one!

Groan!

hahaha! greatnan

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East
assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained
"When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I
would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem
I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through
three posters...

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.

Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.

Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.

And then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
'The hell it should had!? said the sales man,
I did not realize that Arabs read from right to left'

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper
by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

absentgrana

One for grannies everywhere.

Little Jake and his family are having Sunday lunch at grandma's. As soon as she has dished up plates of roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, carrots, peas and gravy, Jake seizes his knife and fork and starts to tuck in.
His shocked mother says, "Jake, what do you think you are doing? We always say grace before starting to eat when we're at home. We should do the same here."
Jake replies, "Oh yes, we always pray before eating at home, but we're at grandma's now – and she knows how to cook."

Greatnan ...my favourite to date.

Wonderful!!

One for our medics!

Changes to the NHS

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled; "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldnt hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.

remind me sometime to tell you about trying to rethread amainsail halyard down a mast.
Characters
Husband
Wife
30ft mast
A wall
80ft of rope
A pair of spencer wells forceps!

I'm for bed![crescent moon]

Greatnan

Husband: Oh, come on.

Wife: Leave me alone!

Husband: It won't take long.

Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Husband: I can't sleep without it.

Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Husband: Because I'm hot.

Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Husband: You don't love me anymore.

Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Husband: Please....go on.

Wife: All right, I'll do it.

Husband: What's the matter? You need a flashlight?

Wife: I can't find it in the dark.

Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Wife: There! Are you satisfied?

Husband: Oh, yes.

Wife: Is it up far enough?

Husband: Yeah! that's good.

Wife: Right! Now go to sleep.
And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself..

Now, what were you expecting?

Annika

Annika