This made me laugh.......

Chromosomes Explained... In Biblical Terms:

XX is Eve

XY is Adam

and

YYY Delilah

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.

"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."

glass that's wicked!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in
heaven:Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they
try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter
chains them together and says, your punishment for stepping on a duck
is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on
..... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman
says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of
eternity?'





The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a Duck.

Glad you enjoyed them.

Still tittering, flump...I may need to print and carry around with me...

Only just read these - I have tears running down my cheeks (oh, dear, will have to re-do mascara!). They are so funny - thanks all of you. I especially liked flumps offering!

Flump Thanks for sharing. All very amusing. I love ...'Miss Charlene Mason...'

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow...
------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones..
------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon..
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours..

We are missing, you GreatNan honestly!x

greatyes we are!

I see you are not missing me - keep up the good work. I haven't time to read them all as I have only one hour on the library computer, but I will be having a good chuckle next week!

Glass, I have just choked on my tea

Glass Very funny...thanks

WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?
Golden Quotations from footballers

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. "
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well,
he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best
manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of
bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win
the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week,
but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on
the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at
Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he
was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I
live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush

" Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals
out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry

Bags My fave...'You can lead a horse to water...' Dorothy Parker said...'You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think...'

I liked 'happy is the bride that gets all the presents', but I particularly liked 'a miss is as good as a Mr' - I'm glad that message got through!!

I love ' when the blind lead the blind..... get out of the way'

Bags some really did make me smile, others a wry grin as they definitely showed the way modern young minds work!

Does no-one else think these are funny? I thought some of them were hilarious.

Proverbs revisited by American schoolkids:

Don't change horses…….. until they stop running.
Strike while the…………… bug is close.
It's always darkest before……… Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of………. termites.
You can lead a horse to water but…….. How?
Don't bite the hand that………… looks dirty.
No news is……. impossible.
A miss is as good as a………Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new………. Math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll………… stink in the morning.
Love all, trust…….. Me.
The pen is mightier than the……….. pigs.
An idle mind is………. the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's………. pollution.
Happy the bride who………. gets all the presents.
A penny saved is……….. not much.
Two's company, three's………. the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what………… you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs will you; cry and……….. you'll have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as………. Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not……….. spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed…………. get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you…….. see in the picture on the box.
When the blind lead the blind……… get out of the way.
A bird in the hand……… is going to poop on you.
Better late than…….. pregnant.

Very cheeky!

Wonderful!

glass that is brilliant, I've just sent it to everyone I could think of!
Greatnan will be proud of you!!

Just received this email

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.

"I have outlived my pecker."

The Penis Poem--by Willie Nelson
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the f***in' thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!