This made me laugh.......

Ouch!

A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom."

The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither."

The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either of those things."

A little brown paper bag goes to the doctors.

"I'm not well" he says.

The doc tears off a little bit of paper to send away for tests.

A week later, the little brown paper bag comes back for the results.

'I'm very sorry, but I am afraid you have Aids' says the doctor.

'But that is impossible - I am just a little brown bag!'

'Well, perhaps your mother was a carrier'.
"
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the
> woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun
> flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the
> golfer's ball beside him.
> Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart
> and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
>
> 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
>
> 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the
> golfer says.
>
> 'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get
> three wishes, so whaddya want?'
>
> 'Thank 0 A God, you're all right!' the golfer
> answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm
> just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the
> golfer walks off.
>
> 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
> 'I have to do something for him. I'll give him the
> three things I would want... a great golf game, all the
> money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
>
> A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he
> again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is
> there waiting for him. 'Twas me that made ye hit the
> ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask
> ye, how's yer golf game?'
>
> 'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
> I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds,

> 'By the way, it's good to see you're all
> right.'
>
> 'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
> golf game, you know And tell me, how's yer money
> situation?'
>
> 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
> 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull
> out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
>
> 'I did that fer ye also. 'And tell me, how's
> yer sex life?'
>
> The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
> and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
>
> C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
> 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many
> times a week?'
>
> Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
> 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
>
> 'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
> 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
>
> 'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's
> not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"

The son says "At school dad." The robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friend's house!

"What dvd?"
"Toy story." The robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
The robot slaps the dad!

Mum laughs "Ha Ha! He's certainly your son." The robot slaps the Mum

Job Interview:

Can you tell us a little about yourself?

I'm a cheating lying b@stard with the morals of a heroine addicted whore. I would sell my own mother for slavery.
I steal at every opportunity and evade every tax going.
I don't give a flying f#@k about society; they're all there to feed my insatiable appetite for money and my aim is to get a knighthood and sh@g female newsreaders.

Right. Question 2.
"Do any of your family already work for Barclays Bank?

_____________

No such thing as gravity - the earth just sucks

---------------------------------------------------------------

Wettest June since records began.

I blame 50 Shades Of Grey.

---------------------------------------------------------------

More extracts from my new book 50 shades of Chav. "Even though he only had one tattoo I yearned for him to fill those lonely hours between Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women"

50 shades of Chav. "As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A LANCASHIRE GIRL!!

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home ...to see a tidy house and dishes washed and put away.

... The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Lancashire . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

Carry on the good work, Greatnan!

On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair addressed a major gathering of Native Americans.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a CarbonTrading Tax for the UK and Europe

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque
inscribed with his new Native American name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..

A news reporter later asked one of the Native Americans how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair

He explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh!t that it can no longer fly.

...and, during my absence, the fun continued. Well done, Greatnan I love the one about the Lancashire lass

Just received from the US:

I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old fogies ..

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"F--kin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

He said to me......................................

He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him. . .. A widow.

when So true.

Very funny, when!

Alie

BRILL EEEE ENT

Wife at the cooker; husband at the table reading the paper.
Wife: "I want you to make mad passionate love to me right now."
Husband slowly looks up from paper: "Why?" says he.
Wife: "Because I want to time an egg!"

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some knobhead wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked.

The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex."

"No sh!t!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"

Priceless! [Grin]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and Flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said “No.”

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said, 'I want the b*****d who pushed me in.'

I am sitting here laughing so much on a horrible wet morning. Thank you all for wonderful belly laughs

Speaking as a Lancashire lass...... Wonderful!

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "you no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"

-------------------------------------------------------------

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied," and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.

I understand that you're in the sales profession, I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the barstool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied,

"I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.

----------------------------------------------------------

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?

"Because he's lying, he never did any of that stuff.
-----------------------------------------------------

A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole when a tall, stately, grey haired Gentleman approached and asked if he could join him, the first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The tall, stately gentleman said, ‘We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?’

The first fellow said he was a pretty good player and that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we’re pretty even so far, so why not?
The stately gentleman played ’straight & true’ golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The priest said, ‘You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.’ The pro said, ‘Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?’

The priest said, ‘Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.’


-------------------------------------------------------

A Sparky ('Electrician' Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky ('Electrician' Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Sparky the Royalty of all Trades"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.

"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The Sparky ('Electrician' Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets.
-------------------------------------------

FROZEN SKUNK

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

--------------------------------

Irish Boy's Confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, Dicky?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Mary Walsh?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Brown?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Margaret Doyle?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Anne O' Neil?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, "What'd you get

"4 Months holiday and five good leads"
-------------------------

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........

Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6 The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off

PS - If all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in a foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

-----------------------

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address or postcode. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment Next Sunday is my birthday, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope..
Please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
A few days later, another letter came addressed to God and in the same hand. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those b*****ds at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna

---------------------------------

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental." was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and
Gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

Who f*****d up your hair

------------------------------



At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago,
Stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and eEstablish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'f**k him'.

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad".

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em".

And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ...........Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

...oooOooo...

Brilliant!

Today DD connected up the hard drive from my old computer, allowing me to access 3,4,5 yo documents. Didn't find what I was looking for but did come across some half forgotten gems e. g.

Tax his land,
Tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his tie,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.

Tax his booze,
Tax his beers,
If he cries,
Tax his tears.

Tax his bills,
Tax his gas,
Tax his notes,
Tax his cash.

Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers,
Tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.

Tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"

And when he's gone,
We won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!

Too true!