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This made me laugh.......

(1001 Posts)
Greatnan Mon 13-Feb-12 12:05:36

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled - normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."
"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"
"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Anne58 Mon 12-Mar-12 20:38:51

Crime in multi storey car parks.

It's wrong on so many levels.

Greatnan Mon 12-Mar-12 21:00:30

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really copulate , I'll have nothing left to live for.'

Jams Mon 12-Mar-12 23:15:00

Can I steal that joke lol
(I mean the ops)

Annobel Mon 12-Mar-12 23:27:00

While visiting the United Kingdom, Winnie Mandela was invited to a cocktail party which was also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher.

When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room, she barged past everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests on the way.

Winnie elbowed her way to Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and declared,

"I hear they call you the Iron Lady!"

"I have been referred to by that name, yes," replied Maggie, peering down her nose at this impudent upstart.

"And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honour of addressing?" asked Maggie icily.

"I am the iron lady of South Africa!" bragged Winnie, waving her fist in the air.
marg
"Oh, yes," replied Maggie dryly. "And for whom do you iron?"

(I really hope that's true)

Notsogrand Mon 12-Mar-12 23:43:24

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely
evening and, after she'd gone, my Dad leaned over and said, "Son, I
think this one's a keeper.""Awww Dad, what makes you say that?" "She
smells of elephant poo."

Greatnan Tue 13-Mar-12 15:09:26

A girl was driving down the motorway with her blonde boyfriend and he piped up

'I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales'.
'Why's that ?' she said.

Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says

"stit ruoy su wohs

Annobel Tue 13-Mar-12 15:46:38

Let me guess, Greatnan - you have reversed the genders this time!

Greatnan Tue 13-Mar-12 15:49:39

Anything to keep gransnetters happy!

supernana Tue 13-Mar-12 16:02:52

Greatnan Very funny grin

nightowl Thu 15-Mar-12 18:15:15

The following was sent to me by email today. Apologies for the length of it but it had me crying with laughter:

Here are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow (Note: Apologies to gransnetters from Glasgow)

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

For the sake of your health - stay away from hospital

Annobel Thu 15-Mar-12 18:35:18

I really should go to the loo before reading this kind of post....

nanachrissy Thu 15-Mar-12 18:41:30

Oh dear, me too Annobel. That made me cry shock

jeni Thu 15-Mar-12 18:47:38

That was fantastic. It has to be a really good medical joke to make me smile.
But this!
Had me laughing out loudsunshine

Greatnan Thu 15-Mar-12 18:47:51

Wonderful!

Carol Thu 15-Mar-12 19:14:47

Nightowl that was priceless - it took some effort to read it all as I couldn't see for laughing/crying - what a tonic! grin

Butternut Thu 15-Mar-12 19:18:50

Howling with laughter! Priceless. Thanks nightowl. sunshine

Butternut Thu 15-Mar-12 19:19:35

By far the best on this thread yet.

em Thu 15-Mar-12 19:35:54

Well done Nightowl - after a fraught day because of the invaders you really have made me laugh. Thank you!

nightowl Thu 15-Mar-12 19:47:37

I'm so glad you all enjoyed it. I too had had a fraught day with the invaders and with lots of horrible things going on at work, and this really cheered me up so I am glad to have spread the joy. I will tell the friend who emailed it how much it was appreciated (but not where - I don't want her to track me down on here). And now I must avoid even looking at it again or it will set me off all over again.

JessM Thu 15-Mar-12 19:48:13

Brilliant. Long may harassed doctors continue to mumble into dictaphones that will then be turned into notes by audiotypists of variable literacy and hearing ability.
I particularly enjoyed number 17...

jeni Thu 15-Mar-12 19:54:29

That was my favourite! We had a consultant where I worked who did higher and higher biopsies pr! We reckoned he was aiming to perform a tonsillectomie via the rectum.!

Butternut Thu 15-Mar-12 20:12:08

No. 9 is my favourite!grin

Annobel Thu 15-Mar-12 20:14:38

No 21 - now who does that remind me of?

glassortwo Thu 15-Mar-12 20:19:04

This made me laugh

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/429898_274169982657601_128716273869640_607083_1964773569_n.jpg

Annobel Thu 15-Mar-12 20:20:33

glass grin

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