This made me laugh.......

Brilliant - had me running for the Tenas!

A couple are running short of cash - neither have jobs and the rent is due. The man said to his wife 'Sorry but we need the rent you'll have to go on the streets for the night and see how you do' 'Ok love' said his non-too-bright wife. The following morning in she walks and plonks £400 and 50p on the kitchen table. 'Great' said the man 'But who gave you the 50p?' 'They all did' was the reply. HarHar

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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

(Sorry I can't be bothered to reverse the genders!)

I don't think the joke would work if you reversed the genders because it depends on the idea that blonde WOMEN are dumb (not men though).

You must read these in a Yorkshire accent (I'm from Lancashire!)

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
........................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

.....................................................................................................
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've left the blood y "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

.....................................................................................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto

Now I can go to bed laughing!

Love the "Yorkshire " ones, I originated there.

Greatnan! Fabulous!

Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

He goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady leave me alone, I'm married.

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.

"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bl***y starving."

Greatnan STOP IT! Where do you get them all from? I knew I should have done more pelvic floor exercises after I had the kids! Too late now I fear (crossing legs while running for the loo)

I just pinch them from my expat forums! Not all are suitable to reproduce here though!

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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his freaking widow'.

greatnan

Zen Wisdom

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

4. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

5. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

6. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

7. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

8. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

9. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

10. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Greatnan

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing sex ever....which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

Naughty, but very funny!

I have been catching up with these pages over the last couple of days, and having a good laugh, couldn't resist posting this one

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she
and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her
new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night
together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens
and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as
one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go
to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's
Roger. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny
consents to more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his
bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back
again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more
'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have heard of guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.
You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been in
here already?'

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old; Alzheimer's has its
advantages!

And this one

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and
stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry. It's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for 25 years!"

10 years ago Bob HOPE died.
5 years ago Johnny CASH died
A couple of months ago Steve JOBS died
A few weeks ago Jimmy SAVILLE died

Now we have no HOPE, no CASH, no JOBS and nobody left to FIX IT.

Lets hope nothing happens to ED BALLS

Greatnan loved your post made lol

After an examination the doctor asks a mature married woman if she has any medical concerns. "Yes",she replied,"After sex with my husband I am usually cold and chilly,and after the second time I am hot and sweaty".
Later, after examining her husband,the doctor asks if he has any medical concerns and he replies "No".
The doctor then says,"Your wife has an unusual problem,she says that after having sex with you for the first time she is cold and chilly,and then hot and sweaty after the second time."
"Oh,thats easy".replied the man,"The first time is usually in January and the second time is in August".

Greatnan

Beware of ordering goods on eBay [joke]. A man sent away for a penis enlarger. By return of post he received a magnifying glass with the instruction - Do not use in direct sunlight.