This made me laugh.......

Stop now! I'm choking!

Martian sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

don't understand it?

The Martian woman was trying to increase size of earthman's penis using the usual Martian method. So, Martian woman thought earthman's penis was too small.

At least that's what I thought.

Why? I thought size didn't matter?

In a perfect world jeni it doesnt

Oh good! I don't need to worry about my weight!

An elderly couple met at a singles club meeting and discovered over time that they

enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, George asked Maude out for

dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening.

They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,

Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each

was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights. '

Greatnan

Of course size matters jeni the problem is that most women have been led to believe that something that is only 6 inches long is really 9 inches so we get very confused!!

kittyi thought that was only when parking!

Just catching up Greatnan ...these both made me smile!!

SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyse myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop..
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze..

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

While attending a harmony for couples weekend, Dave and his Partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower ?"

Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it ?"

Thus began Dave's life of celibacy

greatnan, that made me laugh!

Oh, I actually thought that was quite sweet! Shame Ann didn't think so....

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco ...... every little helps

Pricelss Greatnan

Nearly fell off my chair!

This 'joke' was posted by an expat in France - I wonder how he gets on with his neighbours!
JFK's Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded: "Does that include those who are buried here?"

You could have heard a pin drop ---------------------------

There was a conference in France where many international engineers were taking part, including French and American.
During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:
'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply: -
Emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three
meals a day,They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.
We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop -------------------------
A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, Kiwis and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop ---------------------------

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE... Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.." The Englishman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. You English always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: ''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

You could have heard a pin drop -------------------------

Greatnan ...still can't stop laughing over your Tesco story!! . Absolutely priceless!!