This made me laugh.......

I like that!

jeni ...I thought you might.

An elderly couple had retired to bed when the woman felt the man touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

Very funny. I couldn't guess what was coming at the end. Also ... a bit sad!!

Subject: Irish sex therapist

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the
door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off
first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move
lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips
over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his
tea-stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his
flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the heck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me", says an
obviously embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some
trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested
I do something sexy to a tractor”

Loved the jokes today, DH and I have had a good laugh

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi Keith."

Greatnan that made me laugh out loud!

nightowl

I love this thread

nightowl that was ace

So funny Nightowl

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night,"Did you smell that food,it smelt incredible?" she said. Being the nice guy I am I thought "sod it I will treat her"

So we walked past it again.

I Owe My Mother
**********************************
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry a bout."

7. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

9. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

10. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

12. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

13.. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

14. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until your Father gets home."

16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

18. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

19. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

21. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father.."

22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

23. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

24. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste..

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Its the first day back at school for the reception class. "Now boys and girls" says the teacher, " I'd like to hear what you did in the holidays, and I don't want to hear any baby talk".

Jack puts his had up. "Yes, Jack?" says the teacher.
"Miss, I went to the seaside with my Grandpa in his mo-mo!"
Teacher shakes her finger, "No, Jack, don't say mo-mo when you mean motor car!"

Lewis puts his hand up. "Please Miss, I went for a ride on a gee gee"
"Now Lewis, what did I say? No baby talk - you mean you went for a ride on a horse".

Now Katy puts her hand up. "Miss, my Granny took me to Waterstones and bought me my favourite book".
"Oh really Katy? and what is your favourite book?"
"Winnie the Shit, Miss" says Katy.

A duck walks into a bar.. The barman smiles kindly at him and the duck says, "you got any fish?" The barman trying to be polite, replies "sorry we don't sell fish" "Ok" says the duck.
The next day the same duck walks into the same bar. "You got any fish?" he asks the barman. "Look sir, I think I explained to you yesterday, this is a bar - we sell alcohol, we don't sell fish". "Oh ok" says the duck.
Next day dawns and in walks the duck again. "You got any fish?" he asks the barman. The barman by now is fed up with the duck, so he says, "Look you stupid critter, this is a bar, we sell whiskey, we sell gin, we sell beer we don't sell f**** fish and whats more if you come into my bar again and ask me if I sell fish, I'm going to nail your f*****g web feet to the counter!!!".
"Ok" says the duck.
Its the next day and sure enough, into the bar walks the duck.
"You got any nails?" he asks the barman.

A frog goes into a bank and
approaches the teller. He
can see from her nameplate
that her name is Patricia
Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get
a £30,000 loan to take a
holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in
disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is
Kermit Jagger, his dad is
Mick Jagger, and that it's
okay, he knows the bank
manager.

Patty explains that he will
need to secure the loan with
some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have
this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an
inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains
that she'll have to consult
with the bank manager and
disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and
says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who
claims to know you and wants
to borrow £30,000, and he
wants to use this as
collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink
elephant. "I mean, what in
the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back
at her and says.

"It's a knickknack, Patty
Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling
Stone."

[grin[ glass!

Oh, we really do need that 'groan' emoticon!

Global Facts About Sex
At Any Given Moment:

FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:
1 person is reading this post.

You hang in there, Sunshine ........

glass...you're a hoot

Of course I love you darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So your bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell you, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle you
I can get my arms around there

No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave into gravity
But I know you did your best

I'm tellin' you the truth now
I never tell you lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on your thighs

I swear on my nana's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you were as good as I
Was ever gonna get

No matter what you look like
I'll always love you dear
Now shut up while the football's on
And get me another beer!

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first
of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward four men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: “Please allow
me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain
if you’d just allow me!” she told him earnestly.

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,”
he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted,and he finally allowed
her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage
she asked him, “How does that feel?”

To which he replied: “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!”