Competitive Grandmother

Here we go again, diagnosing people we have never even met.

In this situation the best thing would be to keep out of the problems which exist between dil and her mother.

However, I know from my own experience in a very similar situation that it is rather seductive being seen as the good one of the two.

I was not necessarily agreeing with Larkin, just saying the woman in question has more than a few deep seated problems! Which the OP cannot solve.
I don't think he was implying that all the problems that people have are down to parenting.
I don't think there are many people who would subscribe to this , given what we now know about brain chemistry and genetics causing a range of mental illnesses. Not to mention things like being bullied in school etc etc

However when people are difficult in the way described, probably does go back to early experience.

I think my own mother was lovely, very warm and nurturing, if not so good on the domestic front! I adored her. My father was a different kettle of fish - cold fish! He was in the RAF during my first five years (I was born in 1940) but when he came out he was cold and uninterested in his children. I don't think he ever wanted any, and certainly not me, the fifth in ten years, but my mother was a superstitious catholic and would not use contraception. My sister and I both agree that our very negative attitude to men was probably a result of his neglect - it only changed when she had sons and I had grandsons.
Unfortunately, my own husband was not much better (he would have liked boys and was great with my nephews) and I think I may have passed on some of my own disillusion with men to my daughters. They both had some disastrous relationships and one will probably remain single now. The other is married to a really good man who is a great father and step-father.

And their genetic makeup greatnan - don't be too quick to blame yourself. All my daughters' have very different personalities which in their turn impinge on how you respond to them.

Thank you Phillip Larkin for making us all feel suitably guilty about our parenting skills!! - great poem though!

I think the poem also says that mum and dad were f*cked up in their turn by their own parents. So none of us are to blame.

I know the poem , Jess, and I can't help feeling that most of my daughter's problems can be attributed to something I did or didn't do. Her sister is one of the most well-balanced people I know and I thought I had treated them the same, but it is a child's perceptions that matter, not the actual facts.

Your DIL's mother... Larkined up I would say. (before you ask wota... he wrote a famous poem, Phillip Larkin did, about what your mum and dad do to you)

It is a very difficult situation but at least your DIL knows she has your support and that you love the children.
I was the only grandparent for my first eight GC because of divorce on both sides of my two daughter's families. I was so happy when one of them married a lovely young man and his parents accepted her four children as their GC. The children regarded them as grandparents - especially when they bought the house next door to my daughter. I thought it was wonderful that they never differentiated between their step GC and their 'blood' GC. Unfortunately, my daughter's MIL now has quite advanced dementia but I still regard her as a friend.
In contrast, my daughter in England is very jealous of her daughter's in-laws and encourages her to think they are spending more on their other grandchildren because they are their daughter's children. In fact, they have been very generous with my grand-daughter and obviously love her little girls very much. Before my daughter broke off contact with me, I tried to persuade her not to turn her daughter against her in-laws, but she has a need to be the most loved person in any relationship. When I was living with her and we went to visit her daughter, I had to make sure she went in first and got the hugs, because she was even jealous of my bonding with my great-grand-daughters.
I wonder if your DIL's mother has that same need to be number one in your GC lives?

I feel for you dorset she is obviously making you feel uncomfortable. Why do some Grans have a problem with sharing ? My DIL's parents live at the other end of the country and only see the GC a few times a year whereas I see them at least once a week. When the other Grans visit, DH and I stay away and let them have their precious time.

dorset - Might just do her a bit of good. Keep positive and bin the negative.

Thanks for the flowers - lovely. I love this web site as everyone is so supportive. Mind you I'm glad she isn't a bit computer savvy or she'd see all this - might not be a bad thing

Dear dorset If I were in your shoes, I would do as bagitha advised. Whatever you contribute to the lives of your beloved grandchildrens, is unique. Quite right that do not need to compete. Don't need to know what happens in the other camp. What for? Who cares? Keep your own council and enjoy with confidence your special brand of grannyhood.

Sounds as if you have two problems on your hands, dorset – needing to support your daughter-in-law (which I'm sure you will ) and needing to grit your teeth about the silly besom Other Grandma ! Oh well, if it helps to sound off on here, then please do. Such a horrid thing to have to deal with, but your DiL is lucky to have someone so understanding to offload her upsets onto.

dorset she sounds like a mean-spirited woman and you can afford to be indifferent to her but supportive to the family in having to manage with such insensitivity. They are generous enough to keep her involved, and we all know that some would just cut those difficult grandparents out of the children's lives, which won't solve anything unless it is someone who is committing crimes/being abusive towards the children - this is low level on that particular scale, but none the less difficult to put up with. Perhaps they might be able to challenge the things she has been doing and ask her to moderate her behaviour? Even if she doesn't, at least it is in the open and they can explain that they don't like it.

You have the higher moral ground and can carry on being you - they must be so relieved you don't play these 'games.'

Thanks all for your sound advice. Also, in a perverse way, good hear I'm not on my own. bagitha I did actually ask not to be stuck in the middle as far as the toxic issue is concerned. But when my DIL arrives here in floods of tears after visiting her mother it is difficult. This woman has a sister who has four grandchildren. Two of whom are her son's and his Vietnamese wife - lovely couple lovely children. For some reason the other granny seems to be 'madly in love' with the girl and her kids. Constantly extholling her virtues,comparing her with her daughter [sorry but my DIL is wonderful] it was almost a joke with us. However, Easter Sunday she actually said to the family how she wished they were her grandchildren. Realising what she said then said 'oh I love our little girls too' but very much as an after thought. The damage was done and the look of horror on my DIL's face and fury on my son's was really sad.

My grandson(age 12). has 3 sets of grandparents!!!
Paternal grandparents denied access for more than a year
Maternal grandparents are both profoundly deaf -I don't think they have much contact.
Step-father's adoptive parents have since my son's divorce been given far more contact than any of the natural parents.
My grandson must have a rather confused notion of what a 'grandparent' is.

Oh gosh - grannywars! It is a difficult one as we are only human and sometimes if you hear what a great time GC have had with the "other" granny it is hard not to wonder whether you are shaping up in the granny department.

I find that, as the two families are very different in outlook (us being a bit arty/music oriented and the others more outdoor types), GC get a good balance and mix of experiences.

It is I think very important not to rise to the bait and allow it to become competitive, even when the other party is going down that route. You can only give what you can give in terms of time and material things - but the most important thing you an give is love and warmth - and fun!

No bad thing that your DD saw how upset you were gracesmum - you have a lot on your plate and sometimes mums and dads need reminding that grans have feelings too. dorset you have my sympathies. All you can do is rise above and ignore. This is something your DIL has to deal with that is difficult for her. Also your DS. They needs you to be an adult and not get emotionally involved in the other grandmother issue.

I also tend to think that the other granny must feel insecure if she has to compete as a granny. Poor woman! Who'd be like that by choice? Just let her do her thing, dorset, and you carry on being you. If you find out about the competitiveness via your son and daughter-in-law, perhaps you could gently ask them not to tell you. You don't actually need to know these things, after all.

Oh dear "Granny wars" eh? I agree you mustn't let yourself be dragged into these - that way madness, or at least sadness, lies.
Recently when DD and SGC were down, DD made some comment about how the other granny has much more "equipment" for the boys,in this case beakers, and I just felt the tears well up and said "Please don't start Granny wars that is just unfair" and she realised that what she had meant in jest, had actually been hurtful, so I can admit to over-sensitivity in the Granny-comparison area! I know that the other Grandparents are much more able to look after both babies as her DH is fit and well and very good with tinies, whereas DH is, as you know, in poor health and I suppose I am sensitive in that respect.Maybe the other Granny is aware of her own insecurities and it's actually not really to do with the DGC?

Hi dorset - just don't get into her 'games' and carry on as you always would - if they confide in you, just nod sympathetically and be as non-committal as you can without looking like you don't want to support them. Then go rushing off to your best friend and confidante and tell them (or us!)what a swine this woman is, knowing it will go no further!!

Your son obviously knows what's going on and will not think that you do less than her - in fact they will see you as sanctuary if this is how she behaves. Your son and DIL must deal with her toxic behaviour in whatever way they can. Good luck!