need a friend

nannym my mother, not generally noted for her wisdom in some areas, nevertheless came up with some useful advice in this regard. She has always said that in order to have friends you need to BE a friend. In other words, look for situations where you can befriend someone who is in difficult circumstances. A great majority of my current friends are people that I initially helped in some way and have gone on to form close relationships with. It looks as though you've retired now so perhaps you could check out who needs volunteers in your town. There are usually ample opportunities so you might find something that suits your skills and experience. Day/night adult education classes are another avenue to explore.
Whatever your choices are in the 'real world', here in the Gransnet universe we love getting to know newcomers and I've found a wealth of advice, support and wonderful friendliness here. I'm sure you will too. Welcome.

Gransnet get togethers maybe, as we grow. Suspect if we had full social lives we wouldn't' be using sites like this for social contact.

I'm the same as you, nannym. It's very hard to make friends at our age, as most women already have plenty. Since moving to a semi-rural location 12 years ago I could easily go for days on end without speaking to anyone else if it weren't for DH, and as I work in an office on my own I don't even have colleagues!
It's true, nuttynanna, you don't really notice that you're missing friendship when you're busy looking after family - it's when they leave or start school that you suddenly realise how empty your life is. I'm so glad I'm not the only one - perhaps we should form a Club!

nannym my experiences also with these organisations
for all of you who feel friendless [ flowers]..and

Me too. I have lived in MK for over a decade now and there are precisely 2 people who I would describe as friends. One who is sufficiently close that I could "drop round" if I felt blue. But she is younger than me and still has school age kids - it is more of an older sister relationship I have with her (she has no sisters, her mum died young and she is not close to her MIL). The other is more my age but I would not describe her as a close friend. But neither of these tend to initiate contact. I have a close male friend in sheffield - more like a brother. But very busy.
I have moved around a lot in my adult life - this does not help. I do feel like a fish out of water in MK and my husband does not have the kind of job or hobbies which lead to him making friends. I don't find the northern home counties very friendly..

I too lead a solitary existance despite looking after my GD during the week. She is in full time school now, so find time hangs quite heavily on my hands. DH plays golf at least four times a week and I cannot imagine anything worse than joining him in that! I am very bad at making friends, very shy (awful to admit at 62!) and I know that I can come across as being a bit 'stand offish' but it's really down to this crippling shyness. I have one really good friend who lives 90 miles away and works full time so meeting up doesn't happen that often. I have just sent for details of our local U3A to see what they offer, my foray into WI was brief - just one visit confirmed my worst fears - very cliquey with some fearsome ladies all trying to be top dog. I spent the hour and a half nursing my cup of coffee and had one conversation in that time with a lady who was intent on impressing on me her importance in the group. I am generally happy with my own company but it would be lovely to have someone I could meet for a coffee and chat occasionally.

I have never been one to have close friends, due to my shyness. nuttynana, are you fit enough to join a walking group? I find that conversation is not necessary and I can move around the group as we walk, sometimes joining in the chat, sometimes content to just listen or take in the surroundings. I have made one 'friend', with whom I walk locally if there is not a suitable organized gathering, on a Sunday morning. She is easy to chat to, and we have a bit in common, but she is rather a 'clingon' with other people and her family, so I do not suggest other outings as I feel she might constantly be on my doorstep, and I would hate that.
At least we hear a bit about the outside world when we log on to GN!

I think probably the best thing is not to set yourself unrealistic goals. It is always tempting to think that others have something that you do not, when the truth is that most people have lots of acquaintances but very few close friends. When you are trying hard to find a close friend it becomes difficult to value the acquaintances that you do have and their important role in your life. The search for a best friend blinds us to the value of what we do have. I have a wide circle of friends because I am involved with lots of things: singing, playing the flute, running the village library, helping at the school, being a school governor etc. I would not see any of them as being a very close friend and probably wouldn't drop in for a coffee and a chat - we meet each other when we are doing things together and I enjoy that.

I think that I too have "noone I could go out with for a coffee and a chat." But I do not feel deprived in any way, or regard myself as having a problem - I enjoy what I do have.

Do you have something to offer your local community? Could you look into being a school governor or helping at the Age Concern club or playgroup? Sometimes getting out there and supporting the local community can be really satisfying.

I really do think it is important to focus on what you do have and value that, rather than hoping for something that is in reality quite rare. Women's literature is full of close buddies going out for coffee, but that may not be what life is really like for the majority of women. Why not expand on what you already have a and keep us all posted on here? - we will all be rooting for you!

su siecb agree about the U3A lived in a small village where we had a hieracrchy and newcomers vetted re status and previous work life,as most of the activities where held in peoples homes you couldnt insist on joining them it was very much ' chosen few' .
Havent ventured to the WI not brave enough.I am registering to be a childminder,and will be doing the school runs again,the playground rules seem to carry on in older life also,just like a younger version of the U3A

I have always had trouble making friends and would love a best best friend. I have some 'friends' now that I play golf with a ladies at Slimming World but no-one really close. I hated U3A it was full of women boring for England and trying to be in charge likewise the WI. I dont feel any different apart from more tired than when I was 30, 40 or 50 so why is there only 60+ type things to do.

nuttynana just on my way to 60

nuttynana do you live in Norfolk? which would be good I would be your friend,I have been in Norfolk for 4years now [after a literal escape to the country for safety],had to leave a good friend and my coffee buddies behind,am slowly making friends...do you have a dog,or able to care for one,'doggy' people will speak and friendships can form that way,volunteering is also a way forward.

nutty. The transition from working full time to retirement can be quite a difficult time for some, and it does take readjustment in how one lives one's life.
Don't beat yourself up about not having friends. It sounds early days yet, so use this time to be gentle with yourself, and get to know yourself well without your 'work' hat on.
I don't have an over-abundance of friends, as I am fairly solitary, but the few I have are marvellous, but it takes time.
Take care, and enjoy GN!

I met my dear friend through an expat forum, when we discovered through our posts that we shared the same opinons on politics, religion, ethics, etc. She lives a three hour journey away from me, but we manage to get together every couple of months and are going on holiday together this year. She has a wonderful husband but he doesn't enjoy the same kind of holiday.
I have made another 'cyber' friend through Gransnet, and whilst it is unlikely we will ever meet, as we live in different countries, I enjoy keeping up with her life, both here and on Facebook.
Perhaps you could find someone on line who seems to share your interests/beliefs and get to know them through private messages?
If you are free to travel, you could meet up once you had got to know and trust each other.

I agree about U3A - it has had the same effect on me in my mid 60s as the YHA did when I was a young 'un. I get to meet like minded people and have a laugh.

I've found people want to see more of you when you take an interest in them. This is easy for me as I'm dead curious about people, and find everyone's life can be a fascinating story.

Anyway Nutty - you've simply been working too hard, and I suspect doing too much for others to worry about your own life. You'll find that friendships will come when you least expect it.

oh nuttynana; welcome to the 'billy no mates' club. I can chat to someone at a bus stop, on a train or even at work as if I've known them all my life, but when it comes to having a girlfriend to go for a coffee with or have a chat on the phone with there is no one. As for social occasions, I just die a death. I said this to someone who was working at my house the other week, and they didn't believe me, because I was chatting away to them about 'life the universe and everything' [they'd travelled a lot and we'd both stayed in the same part of Paris etc etc]. Internet chums are great, mainly, I feel, because you can chat when you both have time; if you phone someone or visit them I always think I'm taking up their time. Were you an only child? I always put the blame on that because I crave solitude but then feel lonely. I have a partner now who I see at weekends but, prior to that I found that, after my marriage broke up I was going from Friday night to Monday morning without seeing or speaking to a soul. I even phoned the Samaritans one Saturday night and said 'can I just talk to you?'. Phoned my phone with my mobile to see if it was working [it was] then later dialed 1471, realised there had been a call that I'd missed, got all excited and realised it was my mobile number . Think there's something about turning 60 as well. I sort of tried to re appraise my life when I did [life's for living and all that] and that's when my boiler blew up and various things started to eat away at my savings so the money for all the exciting things I was going to do disappeared. Do want to join u3a but can't find the time while I'm still having to work. Perhaps will have another re appraisal at 61 .....

Do try your local U3A. there are the big group meetings and smaller meetings that meet in each others houses and talk , discuss, learn about a whole range of subjects. The sessions are run by the members,maybe you would have something to offer in the way of an ''interest''. I think you can look for groups in your area on the internet. Good luck!

nutty I find it hard to make friends with people. I put it down to moving all over the world with my family as Dad was in the RAF so never in the same place for very long.
I think sometimes you can try too hard, and if you relax a little people tend to find it easier to approach you. Maybe try to join a club or evening class and friendships can come from there.
I dont think there is anything that you do that puts people off, you just have to welcome contact.
But you have lots of friend on here, I know we cant come for a cup of coffee, but there is always someone here ready for a chat... so dont be lonely. [sunshine}