what to do??

anagram ooops sorry typo

Morning Nina - You are such a lovely caring person who always puts herself last (I have the same problem and we end up suffering for it although we wouldn't be any different would we!)
I agree with what others have said - if in doubt do nowt - at least until they have settled. It may be that they will love it, but they may decide it's not for them and move on, which would leave you with the prospect of another house move.
I lost my dear Mum at the age of 87yrs about three years ago. Our situation was slightly different because although Mum had a certain amount of confusion it was not dementia. I have two brothers, neither of which did anything towards her care. An afternoon duty visit once a year sufficed for one; the other hadn''t seen her for three years prior to 'the call' when she deteriorated. They lived 3hrs away by car.
I am not saying for one moment that you wouldn't visit your Mum if you were 3hrs away - but I really treasure the memories of our regular 1,2 or 3 times a week visits to Mum in her final years.
My advice for what it's worth is much the same as the others ...........
Pause, wait and see how DD's situation pans out -
and can I thank you for the consideration you are giving to your brother. Mine gave me no consideration and left me to it - sad but true. I am sure your brother really appreciates you being there. God bless and to you and your Mum.

"If in doubt, do nowt" good old saying!

We are very much the sandwich generation aren't we? I can see both sides of this, but one thing stands out: if yor DD and SIL are having any doubts about living there (and you say job "prospects" - not a firm offer) let them give it at least 6 months, go and stay for a bit - nearby, if it is too much to ask to stay with them, and see whether you could be happy there. I agree there are lovely places in E. Yorks, or the surrounding area so you would be nearer them and in time, that would benefit you too as you grow older. you also need to talk it over with your brother if it a definite possibility and see what you could offer in the way of help, if you should move. your Mum may love on for years or she may not. Is residential care a likely next step for her? whatever, don't beat yourself up about anything yet. T here are several options and moving need not mean "dumping" all the responsibility on your brother. Good luck!

Sorry, nina, you said in your original post that DH had suggested you move - hadn't realised you meant DD!

Anagram She suggested it as beneficial to them and us. We'd be near for babysitting. Also we would see GC more frequently. We currently live 90mins away.(Which is bad enough) We would be 4hrs away if they went there.

Have just been texting DD, several people on forums she's a member of have told her NO don't go to Hull.
So maybe her and SIL will be having a rethink.
I wouldn't have rushed into this anyway. I always said to DH that we wouldn't move until mum was gone, and I think that's the right thing.

Thanks all for helping me think it through

I see, yes it sounds like a good starting point for them, but I wonder why your DH has suggested you move there. I think you have to weigh up all the pros and cons and not do anything until you're both absolutely certain. As jingl says, they may move on, and then where would you be?

Anagram SIL has been made redundant from the army. He has HGV abd PSV licences so can move anywhere in the country realy. It was the property prices that attracted them to Hull area. And the fact it's a port therefore work prospects for him.

I agree with speki, nina. Play for time. You can visit and see how the land lies oop north. Supporting your brother will be difficult from so far away.

True Anagram but unlikely, I would say.
Its a difficult decision, I do feel for you ninathenana.

That could be years, specki!

Wait until your Mum 'moves on', then decide whether you still want to go.

There are plenty of nice places in East Yorkshire. You wouldn't have to live in the city itself.

Why are they moving there, ninathenana? Is it work related?

Perhaps you'd better not mention it to DD though.

I asked DD that j04. She said she couldn't see that happening. Good point about Hull being one of the worst, I had forgotten I'd read that. Thanks

And what if they moved on in a year or two. Would you follow?

I would stay in Kent. Hull came top in the worst cities to live in the uk. There is always a reason why house prices are cheap.

Oh beleive me I would go in an instant kitty it's the guilt of leaving my brother to cope with mum that makes me think

There is a definite theme on these last few threads!

Can't help you with a decision nina but be sure to take what you want to do into the equation.

Your daughter might be glad of your child care now, but would you also be glad of her closeness as you get older?