Lil's Bar

I always like to give the cracks and crevices a jolly good tickle with my outsize feather duster. I have one golden rule: I only ever check out the housekeeping in the absence of certain "types"...Pete and Gramps know what I mean. To do so whilst either is in residence is asking for trouble big time. I would need to demand danger money. Knowing those two rascals they'd try to palm me off with IOU's. Tough! I'm not that daft...

pete Lil is worried and having lurid thoughts of your new housekeeper on all fours Attending to your laminate floor with a duster attached to her knees and in her hands does she by chance own a little short maid uniform,with a feather duster....and speak French......when she ask for "zee flash" please clarify what she is requesting....we don't want you making a bleach of the peace do we..
As soop has such high standards of housekeeping perhaps we should send her for a visit to inspect all your cracks and crevices to make sure they and any interesting corners have been attended to.
I hope you are paying your "oh wotapair" in a coin of the realm ,payment in kind is unnaceptable,and the exchange rate is not soissant neuf euros to the pound...perhaps matron needs to be in attendance in case of any industrial injury incurred whilst scuttling round the laminate.....

ana

My liquid assets consist of several cases of wine (my new housekeepers favorite tipple) and lots of ample bosom for me gramps and never you mind about her position....a gentleman never tells

You lucky guy Pete,
Bu what what position does she take when NOT part time cleaner dities keep he gainfully employed?
Is Pete's riverside retreat known as "Pete's Punt" or "Runny Bank"? How are your liquid assets mate?

I bet she is!

The outstanding candidate for barmaid proved much too good for Lils and I have offered her a far better position as a 'Part time house cleaner' at my riverside retreat....so, happy days!
Lil is fully updated with my credentials Nell...

HA HA! I'm impressed with the latest comings and goings at Lil's dive place. Now that dear Nellie is feeling up to having a nice quiet drink with we laydees in the snug, I'll just lock the games room door. The lads are being awfully frisky today. Keep hearing yelps and hoots of surprise from behind the well-battered door. Come on Ella and Ana I've polished our table and have thrown the dirty glasses out of the window. It's impossible to get good staff these days.

nell love it! The ankles!

False alarm...ana or should I say pregnant pause
Lil says she now feels able carry out her duties she has been suffering from stress induced summer insanity,not helped by her foray into politics,and the superstar status she received from her appearance in poundland.
Nellie is the sensible one ana she is a good girl,she wouldn't get herself into trouble,it is our Lil who has always been the feisty one,I am quite happy being a matron and in my own choice of career....and being Lils mouthpiece.
Lil says she is quite happy for pete to take over as bar manager but she needs to check his credentials first and do a CRB (crafty,randy,bugger) and if he passes and is all of these things she is happy to have him behind the bar.....ella and ana Lil is awe of your sporting prowess with the ping pong and tennis,and gramps with his pocket billiards, so she has started a healthy regime with horizontal jogging,and tonsil hockey being her sports of choice....she is now looking for a coach and mentor in these activities.......Nellie is going to sit in the snug with soop and admire our nice ankles and drink pimms like ladees.....
Lil is looking for something to put behind her ears to attract the men.......her ankles are not an option.......

Soop's legs are ok;I'll keep an eye on them for her! I;ve always admired good legs!
I had to select perfect legs for one Company that I worked for. Legs were then selected for conformity, and when past inspection,were carefully packed and released to "LEGO"!

Fingers in the till more like!
Pete can go and whistle, I've had it with men! Hmm that didn't come out right

I only go in the bar to pick soop up off the floor, she's always legless!

Don't be so mean, Ella! I only had your interests at heart.
If you recall, I resigned from the barmaid job because it was beneath me it was interfering with my social life. But if you and Pete are now an item, what better way of combining business with pleasure?

No chance, my head's already on backwards

Anyway it would take a lot more than a chippy tea! I'm getting fed up with that bloomin Anagram always sniping at me!

Why don't you give it a whirl Ana, you seem to be at a loose end! loose end of a rope if she's not careful

I hope it's not Ella....her head is so easily turned!

In fact several applicants....and one outstanding candidate We're going for dinner this evening (Chippy Tea as its Friday)....and an offer may be put to the 'laydee' concerned

They've had no applicants yet, soop! Goodness knows what they're up to in there....

Laydees...Beware of wolves in sheeps clothing! Enter yonder games room at your peril.

gramps Where is the 'Barmaid Wanted' sign.....as Lil Nel et al are awol at the mo, the chaps and my goodself will conduct interviews in the games room...

I'll meet you in the snug Ana...I came in at the crack of dawn. Worked my fingers to the bone polishing, vacuuming, plumping up the velvet cushions. It's the only decent place for we laydees to unwind. Managed to fix a bolt on the door. When we're in residence, the chaps are barred. Anyway, they're not in the least bit interested in sitting quietly and having a decent, intelligent conversation. Much too tame for those scalliwags!!!

soop, that is why I'm hanging up my apron - Mr A says Lil's bar has been a bad influence on me and he doesn't know where I've learned such coarse language! He's also not keen on the whiff of tripe and onions and stale beer that surrounds me after a stint behind the bar!
I think I need some Remedial Laydee Lessons....

Ana and nellie you are both gifted with an engaging way with words...

Donald ate them..which is why he has been running around in a toxic miasma all day long... His breath smells so bad,we look forward to his farts....

Well, I'd like to know who is in charge then - is it Lil or nellie who's on maternity leave? Anyway, I'm abandoning my post now so it's everyone for themselves - mine's a pint of Drambuie and bugger never mind the consequences!

I bet Pete had them, he'll eat anything after a few pints!