Lil's Bar

Hey,Pete,
Here a minute.
While I was in the coal hole, looking for part used sawdust for the Bar, I tripped over and bashed me 'ead on the wall.Then there were a grinding sound, bit different to the usual grinding noises around 'ere - know what I mean mate?

A small door, hidden in the corner opened, so I had to 'ave a gander, didn't I ?
You'll never guess? Sshh, I'll whisper in your lug'ole! -well--shshshh, and then -well, hee hee, sshhshhhspanhsshh. Then the secret door closed. I jest got me nose aht in time! I couldn't find the right spot ag'in!

Got to go now , 'cos I'm on a promise - I think, an'
I'm a bit late! She was going to wear some sort of moggy get-up, but every body's gottem. Even some of the gels!!

Seeya!

Pete How long have you been loitering in the snug? I was told that the smelly woofter had the place to himself. And what did you do with Lil's honesty box that was chained to the beer pump? In fact, what have you done with the beer pump? the bar is in a real mess. Sawdust appears to be turning to a thick mush. Lil has gone to the pound shop for a new whip. Best hide if you want to keep your dignity.

Are we not using the 'garden produce'...thought we could make it into a cake and share it out in the snug.....

Ana

She is a restless soulana when she is described as a free spirit members of the bar have assumed she meant drink wise
Madam whiplash has nothing on Lil,she has smacked more bums than a midwife.

I think the regulars are getting wind of the changes in the air, nellie! They've heard talk of Lil selling up and want to know whether she'll be taking her Ample Bosoms with her - that's why they're making free with what's on offer while they can!
I think Lil should be honest (!) and upfront about things and let them know where they stand (or slump). Some of them had high hopes of the market garden project becoming a free source of weed a success, but now it seems Lil's been seduced by the trappings of power on offer in Westminster (although of course she is well placed, having spanked many of the incumbents during her time as a House Dominatrix).

Was wondering who the smelly Woofter was...
It won't last soop mother used to say she ideas above her station....all red hat and no drawers...
Our Lil always like a smooth ride with a man in uniform....she loves blowing their horn,Lil has always been built for comfort and not speed
Don't think the RSPCA man would float her boat,he wouldn't like all her animal print...mind you nor do I it looks much better on the animal...she thinks she is a cougar now.....

Who's responsible? The honesty box and beer pump have done a runner. No sign of Gramps and Pete. Only living creature in the bar is the smelly woofter. The dog didn't do it...he's still curled up in the log basket. Lil will not be amused. I'm scarpering before she gets back from playing at being a low-life celeb. She's getting ideas well above her station. Been told that she has a personal chauffeur...or was it the RSPCA man wearing a different uniform? Wot-eva!

Lil will be back to empty the box later,and keep an eye on you lot,I will pass on how neglected you all feel.
She is laying down with a couple of cold tea bags and a couple of slices of cucumber on her eyes and a friend is rubbing her bunions As we speak.
Fumbling was a great success .....

Gracious! The queue of shifty-looking individuals trying to barge past armed security in the pound shop is almost as long as the queue outside Lil's pub. Lil appears to have left the regulars to help themselves - providing they pop a few coins in the empty, grubby honesty box that is chained to the beer pump. Anyway, I'm standing on a dustbin just outside the pound shop it's the only way I'll catch a glimpse of celeb Lil...cameras are flashing, sneaky looking individuals are pressing her for her autograph. She looks like the dog's dinner...the one it ate ten days ago! The pong of her cut-price perfume is making the male members drop before her feet. The females appear to be in short supply. Her beauty is somewhat intimidating....

Thanks pete enjoy my oats in the morning...keep taking the penicillin

Lil is out and about today doing a meet and greet with the Residents of fumble proper upper fumble and never fumble .
Dressed in her designer label A SAVAGE. Of leopard skin print,and turquoise aceesories she will be in the pound shop promoting their range of perfumes,signing autographs ,and in best cougar tradition,encouraging and making suggestions to the under manager who is eager to be fast tracked to the top of the tree,he will be instead of kissing babies ..as LIl is allergic to them...

Enjoy the large brandy...and as a bit of advice...steer clear of dogs, cats, zoos and safari parks on your way back to the pub....

Sorry Pete, it was my round too!
I tripped over that bloody dawg again and landed on the moggy, who then bit my bum while trying to escape from beneath me!
It'slaws penetrated my summer shorts, causing substantial damage to my nether regions! I managed to limp to the car, to find the key still in the ignition, and the door locked, Got indoors again, picked up wrong key! Decided I'd had enough, so slumped on settee with a large brandy,

Went to sleep. What was the show like?

green a Full English for me, please, ....small portions for ana (Petite Lady) and a Kipper for soop (also petite)..... I'm not going into 'oats' for nell ... toast and a small scotch for gramps (no not soop!) ..

gramps Team GB on telly in games room....bring Beer n Crisps...Cheers

Stop yer moanin' Gramps

It's time that ruddy pooch was taken to the PE(S)t's parlour, and the return slip conveniently lost !'ve had that beard since it were a cotton bud!
NO respect for someone of my advanced years!! The tasty meals i've supped through it. Cuuried pickled frogs spawn in the local Chinese Chippy. eat as much as you like. three for the price of one. Takeaway on sale or return. mostly returned!
My last little treat was green tomatoe stew with slug and stalk salad to follow. A bit squelchy, but slid down well. I bribed the Chef for the recipe for LlL!

I was passing and caught a glimpse of Gramps and Pete propping up each other the bar. Had to pop in to say how good it is to see you enjoying Lil's Ample Bosom. Nice to see the usual mob in the snug. Before I sit down I must use the air freshener. Some dog asleep in the inglenook fireplace could do with a bath. Anyone know it's name? And why is it still wearing that tatty beard that it grabbed from Gramps

Littlenellie You are a very witty woman. And great fun.

Hiya Pete,
Hearing from you made our lives complete,
It's a real treat that you're back on your feet,
Now you can "bike" and get something to eat -
That's a day to compete. Don't admit defeat, Pete!
But be discrete re. the feat or you may feel the heat,
In your "sit upon" seat. All reet?

A beer, I hear, ice cool and clear - from Lil, she's a dear ,but "bends" the ear,
To tell of the fear she gets in her rear - poor dear! (She needs a smear!!)

littlenellie I look forward to the time of my life....so long as its not a Poet's Nite or such like.. Thanks for the bike gramps can't keep it in the pub as there are already a collection of bikes in there Nell as a paid up member of your constituency please mark me down as Willing and Able (thanks to the 'clinic')

Lil has been inspecting members ....in her constituency
There are many upright members in Fumble proper and in the smallers areas of of UpperFumble and NeverFumble .
The local demographics after Lils survey comprise of three parts.
Willing,Able,and dead....she hasn't got round to interviewing the women yet...

pete would this be a special clinic...
Poor old Pete
Has been off his feet
Suffering from something contagious
It was an ill
Donated by Lil
For doing something outrageous
They'd crept in the snug
And while having a hug,they fell over Huey in the corner
Good ole Lil said
While rubbing his head
You've had too much of my bosom
I did warn yer
Now you can ride your old bike
And come when you like
I will sneak in you in through the back
We'll have the time of our life
And won't tell your wife
I've heard her right arm
Fetches a good whack.....

Hi Jeni,
Got it from a sailor in Portsmouth,who's sailing tomorrow - Says she's never let mim down. Could do with some TLC and a good rub down with an oily rag.
Needs lubrication, and pumping up a bit
Has had several careful owners!
Saddle wants a new screw and padding,

I've had to attend a 'clinic' and they put me on tablets It's cleared up a treat so get em in gramps ...... er I need to visit the snug and have a quite word with someone.....

Is this the office bike?